The Partner After the Narcissist: How to Support a Woman Healing From Toxic Relationships (Without Triggering Her)
Episode Summary
If your partner is healing from narcissistic abuse and you want to support her without triggering past trauma, this episode gives you the essential steps to show up as the safe, steady partner she needs. Today, I’m breaking down what survivors carry into new relationships, the communication shifts that help her feel secure, and the practical ways to be a grounded, supportive partner — especially if her past involved narcissistic or toxic relationships.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
Why loving a survivor can feel different (and why it’s not your fault)
The nervous system patterns survivors often bring into new relationships
How the wrong type of “space” can trigger abandonment fears
The power of time-stamped reassurance (and how to use it)
Validation vs. problem-solving — and why survivors need both in the right order
What NOT to do when she shuts down, spirals, or becomes hypervigilant
How healthy, steady love rewires her sense of safety
Your Next Step in Healing
If this episode helped you understand your partner — or helped you feel seen in your own healing — and you want deeper support, I offer private 1:1 coaching to help women rebuild emotional safety, boundaries, peace, and self-trust after narcissistic abuse.
You’re not meant to navigate this alone.
You deserve support built for your nervous system and your season of healing.
Work With Christy
Monthly Coaching and Somatic Healing
A powerful month of private support to help you break patterns, rebuild self-trust, regulate your nervous system, and make real movement in your healing.
Includes: weekly 1:1 sessions, tailored tools, and coaching support between calls.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
Quarterly Coaching and Somatic Healing
Three months of deep transformation designed to help you rise, rebuild, and create lasting internal safety.
Includes: weekly 1:1 sessions + unlimited Voxer support between calls for ongoing guidance, integration, and nervous system co-regulation.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/
"Copy.Paste.Peace." Scripts
Get the exact boundary, communication, and nervous-system-safe scripts you need for co-parenting, texting, conflict, and more.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/
Free Resources
Boundaries Pocket Guide
Quick-reference boundary scripts, grounding tools, and communication lines you can use today.
https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Private Facebook Community
Connect with other women healing from narcissistic abuse in a safe, supportive space.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989
Listener Request
If you want a Part 2 specifically for partners — or an episode on how women can learn to receive healthy love after abuse — send me a message and let me know. I’d love to create exactly what you need.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello. This episode is for Queens and Kings, and if you are a regular listener, it could get some insight into you and what you need for you. But this was created specifically for partners of someone who has gone through narcissistic abuse or just toxic relationships in general, right? So thank you to the listener who wrote in, I don't know if he is a listener, but he knows of me somehow and wrote in asking for information on how to support his partner. That is someone who is recovering and healing from narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. So hats off just the fact he wrote in shows so much. So thank you for all the super supportive partners out there, right? So if you are that partner after the narcissist or a friend or someone who just wants to know how to help people who have gone through this abuse, you're the safe one, the steady one, the one that they can finally breathe around or maybe should be able to finally breathe around, right? This episode is for you loving a woman who's healing from toxic relationships. It is different. I don't want to go say it's, oh, it's so much harder, but it is different and there are specific ways to deal with it. Just like everything else. Everyone has their stuff, so I'd like to call it not harder, but different. And if you want to support her without triggering those old wounds, like I said, you're already a rare kind of person. So let's talk about how to show up for them the right way.
(01:50)
Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice and how to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.
(02:48)
Alright, Kings and queens, because this can be, if you are just a normal listener of mine, this could be beneficial to you to just understand yourself and what you need a little more too, and what you can relay to your partner. And then if you are a partner, then this is definitely for you. So thank you for taking the time to listen to this. If you are a partner, you get a super king or a queen crown on that lovely nugget of yours. Alright, so this person that wrote in said, how do I support my partner in her healing journey and stating that their ex was in other relationships that were toxic and struggling with triggers and open communication. So how do I support her? So yes, thank you for existing and we appreciate you, but here is the real truth. When you love a woman or a man, I'm going to put this kind of generally out there today because men and women will be listening to this who has survived narcissistic abuse.
(03:53)
You're not just dating her, you're dating her nervous system. She has developed a nervous system in survival mode. So it is going to be different. So today I'm going to give you a foundation, what she's carrying, what accidentally may trigger her, what helps and how to show up as that safe, steady partner that she probably has not had in her life. So this is not going to be a deep dive that deserves its own series. So let me know, please email me if you want this to go deeper, if there is a big need for it, I will do more bonus episodes on this, but this is the starting point. So first, why loving her is different. She doesn't walk into the relationship as a blank slate. I mean no one really does, but she really doesn't, right? She has got hypervigilance, a fear of getting in trouble.
(04:55)
So imagine living like that all the time. Chronic overexplaining herself, apologizing just for existing, basically fear of conflict, fear of disappointing you and fear that safety is temporary, right? Because she went through love bombing. She went through ups and downs of a narcissist. So even when it felt better, it never lasted. Okay? In her last past relationships, she learned love can turn on you. Affection is unpredictable. You're not always going to get it, and it will be actually kept from you as punishment. Being honest gets you punished. Just stating facts, even if you're not coming at someone in attacking way, will get you punished. And staying quiet is what keeps the peace. Spoiler alert, there's no peace with a narcissist. But at moments, if you stay quiet, that can keep them happy momentarily. There's only moments with narcissists, it's a roller coaster. So when she gets triggered in your relationship, she's not exactly reacting to you.
(06:16)
I don't want you to be holding this burden of that part of it. She's reacting to that ghost of a person who has trained her nervous system to be and react how it is. So first, you didn't cause the wound. I don't want you to have to have any guilt, any doubts about yourself, okay? Because your peace and your joy is just as important as hers. So you do need to remember that. And there should be no abuse going on to you just because she went through abuse. So if she's carrying abusive behaviors because she's angry because of what she went through, then that's something she needs to heal. And you should not accept that behavior. But your closeness means you stand where it does get activated. She can get triggered because you in your space and when you guys are having conversations or conflicts.
(07:13)
So what does she need most from you after the narcissist? And these are the core pieces that will help her rebuild that trust and safety over time, over time. This is not overnight. I know that's not fun. We want everything yesterday, especially in 2025, but that's just not going to happen here. So you do have to decide, do I have the patience for this? That is something you have to decide, right? This is a long-term thing, and if you're in it, beautiful, you're amazing. Thank you. And if you feel like you want it to be done in a week from now, you should probably evaluate the relationship. Alright? So number one, what she needs, consistency over hero moves. Okay? She doesn't need fixing, she needs predictable. So your calm, steady presence, being there for her when she needs you. And again, you're not sacrificing your whole life for this person and everything, all your interest and your friends.
(08:21)
You're not going to isolate yourself like a narcissist does to someone to accommodate. But reassuring goes so far, and we'll get to more of that, but your calm, steady presence heals more than big gestures ever could. Number two, clear and gentle communication. Okay? Ambiguity was used against her in her past relationships. So clarity is so important. You guys, she needs clarity that feels very calm and grounded. So, hey, I'm not upset, I just need to decompress. And by the way, in the next one we're going to talk about getting specific with that, but letting her know, being clear, I'm not upset, I'm not mad at you, I just need to decompress or whatever. Or I want to talk about this. I'm just not regulated right now. Or whatever word you want to use. I know I use therapy wording all the time, but you get me.
(09:23)
Okay? So clarity prevents spiraling, and I'm saying she, but obviously this is used for narcissistic abuse victims that can be male as well, or any of those pronouns out there, but I'm so used to saying she for my podcast. That's what I'm sticking to. Alright, number three, here we go. The timestamped reassurance. This is huge, huge for survivors. This is one of the most healing things a partner can offer. So survivors do not just need reassurance, they need certainty tied to a time. And I know that could be a shift for you, but that doesn't have to be a hard shift. I don't think that a sacrifice that that's a compromise. So because when you walk away or pause a conversation without a clear return point, her brain can go into old programming immediately. That can be a trigger too. Oh God, I'm in trouble.
(10:25)
Oh God, he's mad at me. Oh god, he's going to leave me. Oh God, I messed everything up. Not because of you or what you're doing, I don't know what accent that was, but because of what she survived, what she went through before, and the fix is pretty simple and very, very healing, it's definitely worth it. Okay? Trust me, instead of I need space, right? That can be a very normal thing. And to someone who doesn't carry this weight from their past, that might be like, okay, fine, I need space too. Whatever, but try this instead. Look, I'm not upset with you. I just need 20 minutes to reset. I'll come back and around four o'clock, okay? Or I'll give you a call at four if you're not together or whatever, right? No, just hanging up. No, not answering her call because you're annoyed, right?
(11:28)
They really, really need that reassurance. Even if you pick up and say, look, I really can't talk about this. And even if you are upset, maybe let's say she did do something that did annoy you, you are allowed to have your feelings. So if you are actually upset, you can say, look, I'm upset with this situation, but don't worry, we'll talk about it. I just need to reset. Use the word reset. I just need 20 minutes to reset. I will call you back. Or, alright, let's take a break and talk in an hour. I'm here. We're all right. Even saying we're okay, go so far, or I love you, right? Sticking that in there goes really far too. Look, I love you. I don't want to talk while I'm stressed out, so give me a half hour and then we can talk. But I just want to talk when I'm in a better head space.
(12:30)
And again, if you are upset, you can say, I care about us too much to talk from the state. I just don't want to say the wrong thing while I'm in this head space. Okay, let's reconnect it. Three. Okay? So it actually is a very easy fix to get specific, but a lot of people just don't know to do that. And some survivors don't know they do need that until it's shown to them. I have clients that I said, what would it feel like if next time he said, I don't want to talk about this. What if he said that he would call you at 10? She's like, oh, that would feel better. She didn't even know she needed that, right? So the timestamped reassurance gives her predictability, clear expectations, that emotional safety, and most importantly, I think in my opinion, and going through what I have, that connection still feeling connected.
(13:29)
When we lose that, when we feel or fear that we have lost connection, just emotional connection that we have, it really freaks us out. And I don't have this anymore. I have gone through the healing and I don't have that trigger anymore, but I definitely did, I'd say with a couple of relationships after my biggest narcissistic relationship, there was definitely that trigger, but that can calm her nervous system instantly because she's like, oh, they're not leaving, I'm not being punished. The conversation isn't just going to disappear and then resentment's going to build and he's going to, I'm out and the relationship is still intact. So this one tool prevents about 80% of survivor spirals. Okay? So alright onto the next, the fourth one, validate first and problem solve later. Okay? They do need validation. So she lived in relationships where her feelings were dismissed, minimized and mocked.
(14:40)
Okay? So validation is almost like a medicine, right? I hear you. That makes total sense. Thank you for telling me even if you don't agree with something, thank you for sharing that. Thank you for telling me. Validation doesn't have to mean you agree, it means you care about her experience and she should care about yours as well. Okay? The fifth one, patience with triggers. So I know this can be tough, I get it, but triggers are not, they're not personal. They're survival responses. So really not just knowing that and saying, oh yeah, I know that actually embodying that. You will have to embody that and really deeply accept it. Accepting this is a survival response and it's not personal. It's not personal. So a helpful question is what came up for you just now? Not, I'm not your ex. Why are you acting like I'm your ex? It's not helpful. Sorry guys. It's not helpful. What came up for you just now?
(15:59)
You both know it's not about you. And that will soften the conversation. Okay? Number six, space for autonomy. She lived under control, severe control, probably her and encouraging decision making power is very healing. She may be very, depending where she is in her journey, she could be very uncomfortable with making decisions still. So encouraging her and say, Hey, why don't you pick the movie tonight? I trust you. I trust your judgment. Try that. And you got to be patient. It's frustrating, okay? I mean, I love my husband to death. My husband in general is just so laid back. It can be indecisive where I'm like, oh, well, where do you want to go? He's like, oh, I don't really care. And I mean, sometimes he does, he'll be like, oh, I want tacos tonight. But sometimes I feel like I want to make sure he's getting what he wants all the time.
(17:03)
So I will say like, oh, what do you want? And he's like, I don't know, whatever. And he's so easygoing and accommodating, and his isn't from trauma past, but it's just his personality. But the same goes here where it's good to encourage anyone to have a voice and let them know that you trust, because some of it can come from insecurity. Someone might be like, I don't want to make the wrong decision, so I'm not going to make any decision. So I trust your judgment. We're going to have fun no matter whatever language, let her decide and be patient because they may sit there and stare at the wall for 10 minutes because they're that paralyzed and that's their trauma. But the more you do that, the more comfortable they get and the more self-trust they build, it's going to go way faster, easier, and it's a beautiful thing.
(18:02)
You definitely want it. So you want to have a partner that feels comfortable making decisions. So she may not say it out loud, but inside that sentence, you get to choose and I trust your judgment. Something like that, that is going to really rebuild her. I love it. I love it. So that's a big one. And number seven, slow trust. No pressure. You might, and I am guilty of this just in general with people of being like, oh my God, because you want them to be empowered so much. I have friends that have been in some past, previous past situations and in the earlier points of their healing journey, and sometimes I'm like, oh, don't worry about that. I'm such an empowerment queen, but I have to check myself because their pace isn't a problem. It's protection and healthy love, healthy trust. It doesn't rush.
(19:11)
It invites and waits. So we have to say even with friends, but whatever, whoever you're trying to encourage when they've gone through something like this, it is a slow burn. They can speed it up a little with Somatic Healing by Christie, Jade, ever heard of it? It's amazing. But counseling, therapy, coaching with me, somatic healing with me, any of that, you guys will help accelerate the journey, but we don't want to put pressure on these people who are already dealing with a lot. So here we go, what not to do, even if you mean, well, here we go. These are some mistakes supportive partners accidentally make even with good intention.
(20:04)
And you wouldn't say just get over it, but there's some people who will say, oh, you just have to move on. Even if you say it nicely. Trauma does not respond to logic. It doesn't respond to, oh, you just got to do X, Y, Z. It's done, right? It's a process. Taking her triggers personally, it's rarely about you. It's about her past trying to fix or rescue her, okay? You are her partner. It's not your job to fix her. There's therapy and me for that, okay? You can recommend a therapist, you can recommend my podcast, recommend working with me to help this along. But it's not your job and it shouldn't be your job for your sake. You need to keep your piece too. So yes, if you want to be a supportive partner, cool. You are not the person who needs to be her therapist and fixer, okay?
(20:56)
There's a difference. And then comparing yourself to her ex, it adds pressure and it fuels the shame she already has. So no mentioning of the Xs, okay? And then this one, ah, I just hate this. It has been a huge trigger for me in the past minimizing what happened, right? Just like, oh, don't worry about it. He is not here anymore. You're not with him. Just forget about it. That whole energy, even if you're trying to be helpful, she can't just forget it. That's not something you can just forget. Her body remembers, right? If you guys don't know, I do somatic healing. I heal the body through the body from the body, the body, body. Because the body remembers even when her mind wants to move on, or even when the mind has actually done some healing, the body still doesn't always catch up with the mind.
(21:55)
So you can't just forget. Just move on. It is not that simple. Okay? So your role is not to erase her past, it happened, but the beautiful thing you get to do is create a new experience of safety and stability and love and peace for her. And it's not your job. I want to add this. I'm not trying to put all of this stuff on you guys. She has to do her healing journey herself. It's not your responsibility, but if you want to support, these are tips, but you also cannot lose yourself or your peace at the expense of somebody that is very important. So if she's not doing the work or just like, this is just how I am, or there's any abuse going on, that's a different story. And you shouldn't be a part of a toxic situation like that. Okay? All right.
(22:55)
So what healthy love does for a survivor, okay? I haven't my husband, I did not know someone like him existed. I will be very honest. I in the beginning felt like I didn't even deserve him. Now I know I'm a great queen. No, but waited for the shoe to drop. I was like, there's no way. There's some person who's this good and this kind and this loving. What's the secret? So we'll talk about what that healthy love does do. So when you love a survivor in a healthy way and show it, you become her nervous systems first experience of peace. And maybe the first time she's really experienced peace, and that is beautiful and it's scary and uncomfortable. I'm thinking back to when I first was with my husband, I almost felt it was boring because those highs and lows were not there. I knew I liked him a lot, but I was like, is this enough for me?
(24:01)
It was amazing and steady rather than Eminem and Kim, crazy roller coaster, which now obviously I know that was not healthy, but it might be uncomfortable even for us in the beginning. But you're becoming that peaceful experience. You're teaching her that calm is real, not a trap. The shoe doesn't have to fall off the other foot. It's not love bombing. It's not a mask. You are showing her that love does not punish love doesn't punish. We as survivors have been punished for things we didn't even ever do. We've been punished in horrible ways and we associated that as a normal thing, right? So you're showing her that's not love. You're helping her unlearn fear. You become evidence that safety exists, right? Like I said about my husband, oh my goodness, he's a safe person. I don't have to worry about him flipping out or bashing my head into a wall or strangling me with a telephone wire.
(25:19)
That's nice. Is my Barlow okay? And then the last one for that, you help her rebuild a version of herself that the narcissist tried to destroy. This part's so important too. I feel like it deserves its own episode. You helping her, well, supporting her, I don't want to say helping her, you're supporting her. Create her new identity, which is really her oldest identity before the world or the narcissist muddled her all up. The true her, the person she deserves to be, right? You get to support her creation of that. So you don't need to be perfect, okay? You're not going to get all of these, especially at first, but the most important, you need to be a safe place for her to land consistent, safe patient. Okay? So for the women listening, I mean the women survivors, if you're healing from abuse and worry, your trauma makes you too much. Take a breath. Okay? You are not too much. You are not broken. If you're broken, I'm broken and this bitch ain't broke. Okay? Your triggers do not make you unlovable. Can you say that out loud? I need to hear you all the way in the back. Need to hear your triggers do No, you said repeat after me. Let's do it. My triggers don't make me unlovable.
(26:57)
Okay? You are learning safety again. And the right partner will not run from that. And I'm not saying if someone feels like they don't have the capacity because of their own stuff, that doesn't make them a bad person either. So I am not shaming anyone who feels like they just don't have the capacity to have someone who's been through a lifetime of abuse. That's okay. But the right person will come and they'll lean in gently with compassion and steadiness the listen to podcast. And you'll be gold, baby gold, just like your crown, right? So like I said, this was a foundation, the starting point. If you want me to do like a miniseries specifically for partners or anything, please give me feedback. Email me always. If you have things you want to hear on my podcast, even if you don't think it fits perfectly in what I normally do, let me know. I love doing this stuff. I love helping anyone.
(28:02)
So we can go deeper on this. And if you are a woman healing from a narcissistic relationship and want support, rebuilding that piece, your boundaries, that lovely nervous system that can be shaken back into the straight and narrow, my one-on-one coaching spaces are always linked in the show notes. So you guys, you are not alone. Whether you have been in a bad situation and you're recovering or you're someone supporting that person, you're not alone. And you should find support through therapists, counseling, support groups, listening to these podcasts. And you deserve the kind of love that feels like exhaling.
(28:51)
That's what it feels like. You hear that kind of creepy. Now I'm going to stop doing that. Okay? So always go to my show notes to see the ways to work with me. I have an Empowered Boundaries course that is epic amazing. Go check that out. And then there's a couple freebies in there, including my Facebook, which is, it is Women only for there that is a private Facebook page for survivors. So yes, I will see you in the next episode and maybe we'll be doing more of these bonus EPS in between. And as always, I love you and give you Smooches Chin up crown up.
Denmark