NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

In this episode, I read the letter I’ll never send — and share what it taught me about self-trust after narcissistic abuse. If you’ve ever felt paralyzed in conversations, questioned your own reactions, or normalized what your body knew wasn’t safe, this one is for you.Your Next Step in Healing

If this episode hit close to home, you may be in the stage where understanding isn’t the problem anymore — your nervous system just needs support integrating safety and clarity.

✨ Calm & Clarity Reset Call
A focused, private session designed to help you regulate, gain perspective, and leave with clear next steps when emotions feel overwhelming or confusing.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/calm-and-clarity-reset-call/

 

3-Month Deep-Dive Container
Focused support to break trauma bonds, rebuild self-trust, and create emotional stability after narcissistic abuse.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Queens of Peace Program
For women ready for deeper identity rebuilding, boundary mastery, and long-term nervous system healing.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Queens of Peace Mastery
High-level mentorship and integration for lasting transformation and full life reclamation.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

Free Boundaries Pocket Guide
https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts
https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Free Private Community
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Have you ever felt paralyzed in a conversation like no matter what you said, it was going to be wrong? Like your body was braced even when things were quote fine. Today's episode is different. I'm going to read something I've never read before. And if you've ever loved someone who slowly made you smaller, this is for you. Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen, this one's for you. Okay. So this episode is going to be a little different. I'm not teaching first, I'm going to read something and it's not about one specific person exactly. It's about a pattern. And if you see yourself in it, I want you to listen all the way through. All right? Here we go. Dear narcissist. I didn't see you at first and that's the part that still gets me.

(01:12)
I didn't see anything that felt overly dangerous. I saw intensity. I saw big emotions. I saw someone who reacted strongly and I told myself that just meant you cared deeply. You told me that meant you cared deeply. I thought the chaos meant passion. I thought the tension meant connection. I thought if I could just communicate better, it will calm down.

(01:48)
What I didn't see was how I was changing. I started feeling paralyzed in conversations and I mean any conversation, not just fights or conflicts. I would rehearse what I was going to say in my head before saying it out loud because somehow I already knew it would be wrong. No matter what I said, it would get twisted. And eventually I stopped trusting my own reactions. I started questioning whether I was even justified in feeling like you were overreacting. Maybe I was too sensitive, like you said. Maybe I did misunderstand like you said. Did I even provoke it?

(02:40)
All things you conditioned me to believe. So instead of holding my ground, I backed off or I overexplained. I took responsibility for things I did not do. I avoided topics that might set you off. Fixing it, fixing us became my role and keeping the peace became my job. And my body was keeping score the whole time. My tight chest, my tight jaw, the constant exhaustion, pure exhaustion, feeling drained all the time. This low grade brace in my nervous system that really never went away, even when I white knuckled through. Even when things were quote fine, especially when things were fine. And to the outside world, to people who maybe got glimpses, "I protected you. I joked about it. I minimized it for myself and for them.

(04:02)
I made it sound dramatic, but normal. I didn't want people to see what I wasn't fully admitting to myself, that this was not just conflict. It was dangerous unpredictability. And that unpredictability, that constant unpredictability does something not just to your mind, but your body. There were moments that did cross lines. Moments my body knew were not safe. And instead of leaving, I normalized them. That's the part that is sometimes hardest to say out loud, that the shame and the guilt, that's where those come from. I normalized what my nervous system was screaming about. And the moment I couldn't unsee it, it wasn't dramatic. It was clarity.

(05:12)
It was realizing that this was not just emotional intensity. It was escalation. That my health mattered, that my peace mattered, that my safety actually mattered. And that protecting you was costing me myself. I didn't cut you out because I hated you. I cut you out because I finally loved myself more than I feared the fallout. I couldn't do it anymore. And once I saw it clearly, I couldn't go back to pretending it was just complicated. You were turmoil. You were chaos, but I am not. And now I don't live braced anymore. I don't twist myself to survive conversations. I don't minimize volatility to keep anyone's peace. And I don't and will not protect people who harm me emotionally or physically.

(06:48)
You don't get to live inside my brain anymore. You don't get to control me. You don't get to control my thoughts. You don't get to control my actions. You have lost that control and I have gained it. And that is freedom. So let me step out of the letter for a minute because if you resonated with that, I want you to understand something. This isn't just my story. That's why I saved some of the specific details. It's a pattern I see in so many women healing from narcissistic abuse. And here's what I want you to hear. If you feel paralyzed in conversations, that is information. Healthy relationships don't make you rehearse basic sentences. If you feel like no matter what you say, it's going to be wrong. That isn't a communication issue. It's a power imbalance.

(08:00)
If you constantly question whether you're justified in your feelings, that's conditioning. And when your words get twisted enough times, you stop trusting your own perception. You start thinking, "Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe I am overreacting." That self-doubt did not appear out of nowhere. It was trained into you. And your body? Your body's not dramatic. It's a tool we have, right? It's a tool. You get the tight chest, you get the clenched jaw, the exhaustion that I talked about. After simple conversations, daily conversations, repeated daily, weekly conversations that are usually conflict. Your nervous system doesn't lie. So if your body feels unsafe, even if you can't logically prove why, that matters.

(09:05)
And protecting someone who harms you is not loyalty, it's survival. Many of us were taught to smooth things over, minimize, joke about it, protect the other person's image. But the day you stop protecting someone who is hurting you is the day you start protecting yourself. And that's where the healing actually begins. Clarity can feel like grief at first. Once you see it, you can't unsee it, right? But it is also freedom. And if you're in the stage right now where you're starting to see patterns clearly and you feel that mix of grief and strength, it can really be confusing. You don't have to navigate it alone. That is exactly the kind of work that we do inside my Calm and Clarity Reset call. This is my new offer I've been talking about last episode or two. It's just one focused hour to untangle what's happening, regulate your nervous system and get clear on your next step.

(10:27)
It's a soft place to start because you deserve peace that doesn't require survival skills. And it starts with regaining trust in yourself again, which can feel far right now. I get it. I've been there, right? But it is possible. I work with tons of women who start where you are and have amazing transformations. If you want to just jump feet first in, I have three, six, and 12 month programs as well. Or if you want to just take a little nibble and do that calm and clarity reset call, it's a great place to start. Okay? So I hope this helps in some way, maybe just a solidarity, maybe clarity in your own journey.

(11:32)
And maybe it's the push to say, "I want to get unstuck and I deserve more." So if you have any questions too, you can always email me my email and all the links to my programs or working with me one-on-one and a boundaries course. I have all sorts of goodies in my description notes. And the show notes of the podcast should be on the episode descriptions themselves and the main page. And don't forget to follow because this is a long game. It's not as long as you think. I will say that. It's hard to explain, but this healing journey can be quicker than you think, but it's not overnight. We have to be realistic here. We have to go through the process. But one-on-one, my clients will tell you we can have some tears, but we can have some laughs and some good times. And we get great sessions that are mind blowing, really mind-blowing work.

(12:38)
Somatic healing is amazing. If you don't know what it is, it is healing through the body. So we do coaching, narcissistic recovery coaching. Obviously we're doing that kind of talk therapy, et cetera. And then we do these beautiful methods of somatic healing, which is healing through the body because the body often is a little step behind of the brain. You might think something, but your body's still stuck. So we get unstuck in magical ways. Yes. I'm not talking fairy magical. Just to me, it's God magic. I'm a big man upstairs follower. So if you're on that journey too, that is helpful and we can always implement that into it as well. Sometimes we pray. If you are a God person, if you're not, we don't. If you are and we get on that topic, we can infuse a little bit of that Holy Spirit activation in there.

(13:38)
See, there you go. There's the magic. Holy Spirit magic. That'll be my next course. All right. Well, thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me share. I may share more details of my own experience on this podcast, but right now this moment is really for you and this is for just knowing that you're not alone and that there are these patterns and that you do deserve to feel better and to heal better. All right. Don't forget on Thursday, I have Thrive in Five, so we will do a little quicker episode, somatic healing episode or little quick TED Talk or something, whatever comes out of my body. And those are on Thursday. So again, don't forget to follow. And there is a Facebook group. Please join that with women, like- minded women like you. It's a private group, so you don't have to worry about bots and spammers in there, peeping on our stuff.

(14:42)
And yeah, I'm just so excited for you that you landed on my podcast. So welcome if you're new and if you are an oldie book Goodie, thank you for supporting and sticking around and hanging out. And always feel free again to email me with just a hello or any questions or if you want to suggest a topic. All right. Look for all the information in the show notes and I'll see you in the next episode. Bye.

Still Missing Them Today? Do This Instead (Thrive in 5)
You thought once you left, the missing would stop. But instead, certain moments still hit — a memory, a song, a quiet night — and suddenly you question yourself again.

In this Thrive in 5 episode, Christy Jade explains why missing a narcissistic partner does not mean you made the wrong decision. What you’re actually grieving isn’t the person — it’s the version of you that existed inside the trauma bond and the future you believed was coming.

You’ll learn how to reinterpret that feeling in real time and use it as a signal to reconnect with yourself instead of looking backward.

If you’ve been caught in obsessive thoughts, emotional pullbacks, or sudden waves of longing after leaving, this episode gives you a grounded, nervous-system-safe way to move through it.

Your Next Step in Healing

 

✨ Calm & Clarity Reset Call
A focused, private session designed to help you regulate, gain perspective, and leave with clear next steps when emotions feel overwhelming or confusing.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/calm-and-clarity-reset-call/

 

3-Month Deep-Dive Container
Focused support to break trauma bonds, rebuild self-trust, and create emotional stability after narcissistic abuse.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Queens of Peace Program
For women ready for deeper identity rebuilding, boundary mastery, and long-term nervous system healing.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Free Private Community
00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to Take a Breath Queen. This one's for you. Hello queens. If you caught yourself missing them again today or yesterday, hopefully not both. This episode is going to change how you interpret that feeling in the next five minutes. Alright, so quick reset moment. If you listen to my last episode from Tuesday, we talked about how you're not actually missing the narcissist, you're missing something a little deeper. So today I want to give you one powerful practice to use in the exact moment that missing feeling hits, because here is what happens. Your brain labels the feeling as I miss them, but your nervous system is actually saying, I miss familiarity. I miss certainty. I miss who I thought I was becoming. So instead of reaching for the memories, try this pause and ask yourself, what version of me feels far away right now? Not them you.

(01:30)
Maybe it's the hopeful person. Maybe it's the secure version. You remember the woman who felt chosen, the woman who believed life was about to open up there was more coming. That is who your system is grieving. I just had a conversation with a client yesterday about this. You're grieving and here's the reframe that changes everything. Okay? You didn't lose her. Okay? She's not gone. That queen is still in there. She just hasn't fully met the safer environment yet. So when the missing shows up today, don't interpret it as a sign to look backward. Interpret it as a signal to reconnect inward.

(02:35)
A lot of times we look back at these memories and the what ifs and why did I do that? This living in our head, spinning in circles, replaying, wondering, confused all the feelings and the thoughts are exploding in our minds at once. It's time to go inward right into the heart and then take one small action that supports your stability. You need stability right now. We're missing stability, right? So text somebody that you feel safe with, okay? Nobody that has any relation to this person that you don't feel safe with that connection there. Okay? So let's not text their sister today A safe friend. Maybe it's your sibling, maybe it's a coworker that you're very close with. You can go outside, right? Stability. Physically. You can get stability from grounding. There's grounding techniques you can do or just walking. There's something about grounding your body, right?

(03:59)
Regulate your body in some way. Exercise even. I mean, like I said, walking, but even just something simple. Dancing, right? Putting on some fun tunes, shaking a tail feather. Maybe two, do they have two? Tail feather? We're getting weird now. Let's keep going. But regulating your body in some way, moving your body very beneficial and reminding yourself, I'm not going back. I'm coming back to myself. The authentic self. I refer to this as that solid gold block we're all born with and no matter who we are, narcissistic abuse or not, a lot of shit kind of covers up that solid gold block. That's the authentic us. That's in a way our higher self, our highest self that we can be and not trying to be like, oh, let's achieve this. I'm not in that way. It is our unique golden, beautiful self that we desire to feel like that loves ourself, that feels confident, that feels secure, feels safe, all of those things.

(05:23)
And you're coming back to that. And healing isn't about forgetting them. It's not about them. I want to reiterate that it's not about forgetting them, it's about remembering you and who you truly are. And you may I get it. I can hear you from here. Some of you saying, I don't even know who that is. I don't remember who she is. That's where I come in. Or your therapist comes in. You can do work on your own. There's a lot of different methodologies that you can use. Somatic healing is amazing. If you didn't, here, I have a couple of spots open. Now I'm going to start opening these for two people every month I'm going to do one-off sessions. Usually I don't do one-off sessions really anymore unless someone pops up from an old episode where I did offer them, or now, right now I am offering some really special one-off sessions.

(06:42)
They're my clarity and calm sessions. If you need a nervous system, wind down, kind of feel like you even just need a next step. Maybe it's the next step in. How do I even try to figure out who I am? What does that even look like? If you find yourself saying, what does that look like? That's where we can work together and we have one session zoom call. We'll do a little coaching, maybe a little somatic healing in that body and get you ready for that next step and then that if you want to, you can continue with me into one of my programs that are three, six, or 12 months. And those are deep transformative programs. But even just that one session will give you some clarity and some calm. That's why I call it that because I'm a basic B, because I know some people, maybe you don't have it in you to commit. Maybe you don't have the finances to commit. That's okay. Just getting a little clarity can go a long way and help you feel better right now and know what direction to head in. So if you're interested in that at any of my programs, including the calm, clarity and calm call, say that five times fast. That is always in my show notes. Any of my offers are in there. I have a boundaries course. That's amazing. Really good.

(08:22)
Well, it drips every week and then you have it for the rest of your life. You can look at my face for the rest of your life. Yes, it's videos. So that's 10 videos. It's really good stuff. I'm very biased and I have a couple freebies too. I have a little boundaries pocket guide. It's adorable and fun and I don't know, I don't remember what's listed as far as the freebies. And there's the Facebook community, which is, it's getting more engagement in there. So join now while people are talking to each other because you guys leaning on each other. First of all, it makes me so happy to peep in there and be like, oh, they're talking to each other and encouraging each other and going like, girl, me too. I love that. We need that when we're in the situation. So look for that support.

(09:12)
It's a private group, so not going to have any creep opioids in there. Everyone, you got to answer questions too. So yes, you do have to answer questions and give me your email so I know you're a real human. And so it is a women's only Facebook group. It's private, and you get to chat with other women that have gone through or are going through what you are, right? It's always nice to have that support. So definitely look in the show notes for all the information. You can email me too if you have any questions about my programs. My email is in there as well. And yeah, that's about it. It's nine 15. Here it is, nine 15. You know what? I'm a tired little lady. I don't know why I love recording my podcasts at night. Sometimes I've time during the day and I'm like, Hmm, I'll do it tonight.

(10:09)
I'm very much a night owl. Do I have any night owls out there? Is that trauma? Do we have trauma night owl syndrome? No. That, I swear it runs in my family. My mom is a super night owl. She now naps during the day, but she's always been a night owl. I will say while she was single parenting us, sometimes she'd pass out on the couch though after dinner because that woman did a lot. Shout out to the single moms of the world. You are super, super people, super moms. And then my grandma was very much a night owl. I remember in my twenties, this is when I don't know how, I know my audience ranges in age. So this is going to age us older women here. But when the Kylie Jenners, not Kylie, what was the other one? What's the, oh my gosh, I can't even remember now.

(11:11)
Kylie is so big. I can't even, she's overshadowing her sister. But all the Kardashians, yes, whatever K word, Kardashian. The Kardashians show I think had just started or something. But I remember being up with my grandma. I live outside of DC and I would go up to New York to visit my grandma at Christmas time. I'd stay there a little extra. My mom would come home here and sometimes I'd stay. So I was staying with my grandma and she loved tea and s m's, coffee cake and rest in peace. My grandma passed in 2020. I just adored her. So we would sit up every night so late. I loved it. Let me have caffeinated tea in the middle of the night. Well, I was having an monds caffeinated tea. No wonder she was a night owl. And we would stay up till like three. I remember once it was four in the morning and I was like, my grandma's such a badass.

(12:15)
And we were watching this, I think it was the Kardashians, and I feel like Donna Versace was on it. She didn't know who the Kardashians are. She's like, what is this shit? And then she's like, is that Donatella? She knew her. I don't know. Crazy weird memories just popping through my head and I'm sharing it with you. I feel like I need to connect with you guys more on a more real level too. I'm always just so excited and I don't want to make my episodes too long, so I try to just keep it very focused, but I feel like I'm not very focused, and I want you to see that A, and also share a little bit about me so you can get a little more familiar with who I am. And then I would love to know more about you pop in. I have people say hi in my emails.

(13:05)
Say hello, introduce yourself. I get emails sometimes that make me so happy that are just people saying, Hey, I binged your podcast episodes and they've helped me so much, X, Y, Z, and tell me their stories. And I love that stuff, you guys. So if you just ever want to share, I appreciate it so much because it helps me know that I'm truly impacting and helping people, which is obviously my purpose here. And it's just so cool to get to know all of you. Sometimes we'll have a couple back and forth emails. So I read every single email. That might not be the case forever as I get more and more and my numbers grow, which is very exciting and I love that. But that does mean eventually I won't be able to keep up with the volume. But right now I can and I love it.

(14:02)
So yeah, I guess that's it. I'm really excited for spring to come. I am a warm weather person, so I'm really, really excited for that. DC has been way colder than usual. It's been a snowy ass cold winter, which I mean that should be, but I'm not here for it. So I'm so excited. It's going to be 60 whole degrees later this week, and you would think that means it's like 80. I'm like, oh my God, it's the best. So excited. I'm going to cry outside and just dance naked. That'd be weird. Neighbors might not like it. So I guess it, I'll end on that cutesy note, right? And you guys take these words today, right? Remember, first of all, everything's going to be okay. I know it. Don't feel that way. Can I just put that out there? Just hear me. Everything's going to be okay.

(14:57)
It might take time. You might need to do a little work, but you're a capable queen, so of course you're going to be able to do that, okay? And you're not going back. You're coming back to your self, that solid gold piece of hunk, of chunk of burning love gold inside your body. We're just dusting off all the crap that I think I forgot to finish the sentence back earlier, now that I think of it. When I was saying we have this solid gold block, I side tangent, but I always view it as society. Other people, no matter what abuse or not, we get all this stuff that just covers up and causes us insecurities, or especially with social media, there's so much and they become a little different version of ourselves. So we're trying to get back to that solid gold, authentic block of gorgeousness that deserves the world and deserves to feel confident and good about yourself and deserves love and to feel worthy. So I want you to say, repeat after me if you so dare. I am worthy.

(16:11)
I am loved. I'm a queen. Yeah, you are. You look good in that gold crown. Girl. You look so good. All right. I'm going to stop being creepy myself over here and don't forget to follow. So you get all my episodes. I mean, how much more fun is life with my podcast, huh? It's fun, right guys? I mean, not fun stuff we have to deal with, but I try to make it as fun as I can for you and I do. Honestly, joking aside, please reach out if you just want to share your story or have a question. Okay? I will see you in the next episode. Have a fabulous rest of your week. Bye.

If you’ve left a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship but still find yourself thinking about them, questioning your progress, or feeling pulled backward emotionally — this episode will bring powerful clarity.

You’re not actually missing the narcissist. In this episode, Christy explains why calm can feel uncomfortable after narcissistic abuse, how trauma bonding conditions the brain and body, and what’s really happening when memories or longing resurface.

This conversation will help you release shame, understand your healing process, and begin retraining your body to feel safe in peace again.

Your Next Step in Healing

If this episode hit close to home, you may be in the stage where understanding isn’t the problem anymore — your nervous system just needs support integrating safety and clarity.

✨ Calm & Clarity Reset Call
A focused, private session designed to help you regulate, gain perspective, and leave with clear next steps when emotions feel overwhelming or confusing.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/calm-and-clarity-reset-call/

 

3-Month Deep-Dive Container
Focused support to break trauma bonds, rebuild self-trust, and create emotional stability after narcissistic abuse.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Queens of Peace Program
For women ready for deeper identity rebuilding, boundary mastery, and long-term nervous system healing.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Free Private Community
00:00):

Hello Queens. Have you ever caught yourself thinking about them and then immediately getting mad at yourself afterwards? Why am I still thinking about this person I left? I know who they are, I know what they did. So why does part of me still feel pulled back today? I want to gently flip something upside down for you because you're not actually missing the narcissist, you're missing something else. And once you understand this, a lot of shame is going to go, we don't like shame in this room. No we don't. Welcome to your Thursday. Thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting and that text you knew better than to reply to Take a breath Queen. This one's for you.

(00:53)
Alright, so welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. I'm Christie, as many of you know, if not welcome, thanks for showing up. And if you're here today, I already know something about you. You're not where you used to be, right? You've learned, you've woken up, maybe you left. Maybe you're emotionally detaching, maybe and trying to stay grounded, but there's still this confusing moment that happens sometimes, right? You're doing better and out of nowhere a memory hits or you wonder what they're doing. Or your body feels heavy, chest tight, maybe you feel a little nostalgia, right? And then the second wave after that is guilt or shame around that. What is wrong with me? Why do I still miss them? This doesn't make sense. So what we're going to talk about today is what's actually happening because this moment right here is one of the most misunderstood parts of healing.

(02:00)
Alright? So here's the truth. Most people never explain. You're not missing the narcissist. I repeat. You are not missing the narcissist. Isn't that? That's like a relief, but you're not so sure yet are you are missing what your nervous system learned to expect while you were surviving them. They're two very, very different things. So when you were in that relationship, your brain and your body, that's the somatic healing we talk about. Adapted. In order to keep you safe, you learn to scan their moods. Remember that Not so fun. You learn to anticipate their reactions. You learned how to fix any fixers out there? Yeah, I see you, I see all of you. You learn to soften to manage them if you know and to do whatever you could to prevent the explosions before they happened. So your body was constantly on alert. So here's the part that surprises people.

(03:10)
That constant emotional intensity created chemistry. So high stress, that high, high, high chaos followed by relief. The conflict followed by moments of calm or reflection, maybe even got fake apologies or flowers or just calm. It could have just been calm where it wasn't chaos. And that's good enough for us, not really, or fear followed by reassurance. So that cycle releases powerful, neurochemicals, adrenaline, cortisol. You've probably heard all the things about cortisol, dopamine probably heard that. These are like buzzwords nowadays, right? But they're real. And that cycle releases them. It's like the storm before the calm. So even though it was painful, it became very familiar. I would almost call it comfortable because it was so familiar. And the nervous system loves familiarity more than it loves happiness. Do you know that? I'm going to repeat that one again. Your nervous system actually loves familiarity more than happiness.

(04:31)
Okay? Your nervous system chooses familiar before it chooses peace. We're going to break that cycle though. We're going to break it. We don't like that. We want peace. Who wants peace? Can I get an amen? Yes. Okay, good. So when you actually leave or when you detach emotionally, something strange happens. Life gets quieter and logically that's good. You're like, yeah, this is what's supposed to happen. But your body is going, wait, why is it so calm here? Are we actually safe? I don't feel safe because calm used to mean something bad was about to happen. Let that one sink in. Calm used to mean something bad was about to happen. Calm before the storm. Silence used to mean tension was building. You knew when it was silent. It's like when there's a toddler and it's way too quiet. And then you go in the room and it's like there's marker all over the wall and glue on the seat, right?

(05:39)
Silence with a arc. When the intention was building, there's a cycle. There is the abuse cycle. And during that cycle, what happens before it's the calm, before the storm there's love bombing or there's convincing you everything's fine. Maybe there's some quiet and then maybe boom. So peace to you feels unfamiliar. And unfamiliar can feel very unsafe in our bodies. So your brain tries to solve that discomfort. The only way it knows how, it brings your attention back to the person connected to that old pattern. And that's not because you want them and miss them in the way you're thinking. That's why you're missing is confusing because it's not how you actually miss maybe someone you have in your life that is a healthy connection. Your body is trying to return to what it recognizes. That's all what it's been conditioned, right? What confusingly felt familiar slash safe, but not safe in the sense of the word as we really know it and want it to be.

(06:51)
So this is where so many women judge themselves, they think missing thoughts mean they made the wrong decision. They think healing should feel like just instant freedom. But what's actually happening is it's a detox. You are detoxing from survival mode. You're teaching a nervous system that learned chaos, how to live in peace. It takes time. This is not a little switch flip, so let's reframe it a little bit. You're not craving the relationship in the way that a normal relationship would be craved or if you break up and there were lots of great qualities and this and that, and you miss the person. This is different. You're grieving the familiarity. You're releasing a role that you had to play for a long time. This was part of your identity, right? The fixer, the peacemaker, the emotional manager. You were busy girl, you were really busy and oh, I do want to say, and boy and man, I have found out I have more men followers than I thought I did.

(08:09)
So shout out to all of you too. And it sucks just as much for you guys and you can be my kings, okay? But when that role disappears, king or queen, there is space. A space can feel really uncomfortable before it feels freeing. Okay? And that doesn't mean you're going backward. I just had this conversation with one of my clients actually, it doesn't mean you're going backward, it means your healing is actually working. Okay? So that's the good news. That is the good news. That discomfort just means you're recalibrating. So here's something you can do the next time, a memory or longing hits. Instead of asking why do I miss them? Pause and ask, what does my body need right now? And then orient yourself. Do you guys know Orient yet? If you've been a long time follower, you probably do. If not, you are about to learn a little tool that elementary kids can learn. My daughter does it herself. It's a great, great way to calm your nervous system and it's easy and it's fast and it's fabulous. Okay, look around the room slowly. Name three things you can see. I love to do examples. So what's in my home? The gnome in the corner, of course I have a gnome, the basket with my dog's leash in it and my smart water to make me smart.

(09:46)
So you name three things. Feel your feet on the ground. If they're not on the ground, put 'em on the ground. Or I kindly ask you to place your feet on the ground if it's comfortable for you. Lexie, I'm being gentle. Alright? And then let your shoulders drop just a little. So we're looking around, we're grounding ourselves with our feet, letting our shoulders drop and just taking a nice inhale through the nose and out the mouth. My favorite halo breath, it's called, you're teaching your nervous system a new message. I am safe without chaos. And every time you do this, you weaken that old attachment. Not through force, but real safety, not the fake safety that it has with that narc. Okay, that was fake news, safety. So if this episode hit you today, I want you to know something very important. This stage, this confusing middle ground is where the real healing happens.

(10:55)
Not when you realize the truth, not when you first leave, which we would love it to be that way, believe me. But when your body starts learning, that peace is allowed. Now it's huge and it's also a stage we're where support can make a very, very big difference because understanding is powerful, but regulation is what creates that lasting change. So I actually am offering new one-off sessions. I'm only doing a couple this month. I'm going to do a couple every month just for those of you who need quick support are not looking for ongoing and really want to just get the next step and a somatic tool to go a little to go package. Let's talk about it that way. A little to go package something that we will have an hour long zoom call one-on-one with yours truly. And I will hear you out for a few minutes.

(12:00)
See what we're working with. We'll do a little somatic exercise depending on what it is, and a little coaching with a next step and knowing what you need to do next. So if ongoing support is not what you're looking for or can afford right now, this might be a good solution for you to just feel a little better, get a little settled. This my clarity and calm sessions, my resets. So that link along with my ongoing support will all be in the show notes. And if you want to email me, ask me any questions, my email is in there as well. And until next time, remember, you're not broken, you're not weak, okay? You're not missing them. No ma'am. You're learning how to feel safe before being yourself again, basically, until it all comes together. And it takes a minute. So don't forget to follow wherever you are on the podcast, whatever podcast platform.

(13:10)
Follow me. Say you don't miss my episodes. I have two a week. Tuesdays and Thursdays and Thursdays are my thrive in fives, I call 'em. And they are just a little somatic fun. Five to 10 minutes, little bits that you can save for moments where you're feeling a little want, want not at peace, which we all have. They're useful really to anybody. And what else? Oh, you can join my Facebook group for Queens just like you, just you going through what you're going through. So join that group and that is also in the show notes, the link to sign up for that. It's private. So don't worry about that. Don't worry about all the narcs coming in and spying on us, okay? They can't get in. It's a narc free zone. Alright, you guys have a great rest of your week until Thursday, because come back Thursday for some more goodies and yeah, love you. Bye.

Contact: [email protected]

You can understand narcissistic abuse intellectually and still feel your body react instantly when they reach out. That doesn’t mean you’re stuck — it means your nervous system hasn’t learned safety yet.

In this Thrive in 5, Christy shares a simple, powerful reset you can use in real time when you feel triggered, flooded, or pulled back into old emotional patterns. This short practice helps interrupt the automatic reaction cycle and teaches your body that you don’t have to perform, explain, or fix anything to stay safe.

If you’ve been looking for a small but powerful shift to help your healing actually stick, this episode gives you one you can start using today.

Your Next Step in Healing

If you’re ready to move beyond awareness and start creating real emotional freedom, deeper support can help you practice these shifts in real life — not just understand them.

Work With Me — Coaching Containers

3-Month Transformational Coaching (Deep Reset & Momentum)
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Queens of Peace Program (Deep Pattern Healing & Rebuild)
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Queens of Peace Program (Full Identity & Life Transformation)
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Get My Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts
Scripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/

Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!)
Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt.
https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Join the Facebook Community
Connect with other women healing from narcissistic abuse
https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text, you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen, this one's for you. Have you ever walked away from an interaction thinking, I stayed calm. I didn't take the bait. As Christie Jade always says, so why do I still feel shaken? Like your body's buzzing. Your mind won't stop replaying it, and somehow they're still in your head. Maybe hours later today I want to talk about why that happens, because it's not a lack of healing. So a lot of women think if I were really healed, I wouldn't react anymore. But healing from narcissistic abuse specifically doesn't start in your thoughts. It starts in your nervous system, all the fun. So your nervous system learned survival long before you learned boundaries, right? That's why you ended up having to learn about boundaries and hopefully setting some at this point, but maybe still not quite knowing how or knowing how to stick to them or handle backlash from them, all of that, right?

(01:25)
But here's what's really happening. So when you were in that dynamic with the narcissist, you body was trained to stay on alert. Unpredictability teaches your brain what? Stay ready, fix it fast, prevent the explosion. We know all about that escalation. So now, even when you may logically understand what they're doing, logically, I say that because, and let's be honest, even logically it doesn't always make sense, but logically, you can kind of explain it away. Your body still reads them as a threat. So that reaction you feel, it's not emotional weakness, it's conditioning. It's what you have been conditioned to feel by the entire situation. So this is why you can prepare the perfect response. Tell yourself, I'm not going to engage. And then one text comes in, and suddenly you have that sinking heart feeling, right? I know you know that feeling right? That heart drops, and it's not even exactly like, oh, you care what they think. Maybe anymore, maybe you used to. But even if you've stretched away from that feeling, it's because your body remembers what used to happen next.

(03:01)
Let that sink in. Your body remembers what used to happen next when you were closer with them, when you were living with them. And I know some of you may be listening that you're still in the situation. Most of my followers, most of my clients are away from the situation, or they may not live with the person if it's someone in their family, like a parent. But you could look at that. If it's a parent, right? When you live with them as a child, you're now still your body, still remembering what used to happen after you. Whatever way you weren't good enough or didn't do it right, or didn't do exactly what they wanted, how they wanted, even though it wasn't reasonable. Same thing if you were in a romantic situation with someone living with them. Same thing where your body is remembering what used to happen next.

(04:02)
So here's the shift. I would love you to try this week. Stop trying to win the interaction. We often can go to the other side of the pendulum. We feel like we've lost for so long that we just want to get these wins. What you need to do is start, which is a win, but it doesn't feel as satisfactory as a full win. But I'm going to tell you in the end what wins is peace. So start regulating yourself instead. You're not going to win as far as getting them to say what you want or do what you want, especially all the time, right? Occasionally, if they're desperate for something, they might give you a little carrot. But talking about for true healing, you have to stop trying to control them and trying to control the situation. Because really what you need to do is control yourself. Regulate yourself instead. So when you feel that surge, that heart, drop that spiraling out in the brain, any of that pause, and then put your feet on the ground. Take one slow breath. I love my halo breath. So in through the nose and out through the mouth. So you're inhaling. Two seconds, exhaling three to four seconds. Always exhaling a little more than you're inhaling. Please don't turn blue and pass out on me. Okay? If you need to just do two and two, that's fine.

(05:47)
We want this to be a calmer, not a passer outer. So you take in one exhale, one many seconds that looks to you, that's comfortable, and let your shoulders drop. Let your jaw loosen. So in those moments, and this takes a little training, you don't get it right the first time. That's fine. Look, we're all still growing. We're all still learning this. This is not an overnight shift, but the next time you catch yourself where you're able to do it, say, oh, yay, I get a gold coin to match my gold ground. Alright? So you're cheating your nervous something, nervous system, something new now, which is I don't have to react to stay safe anymore, right before to stay safe. What did that look like? That looked like, I mean, first of all, even I'm just picturing our body language, just like the hunch. You know what I'm talking about, that sinking into yourself, you feel that heart sink, your body collapses into itself. You're like maybe a dog between the tail, between its legs, this kind of, okay, oh no, I got to shrink because I don't want the explosion.

(07:10)
What else could that overexplaining ourselves? Right? So there's that. Oh, no, but I didn't mean to, no, that's not what I meant to do. That's not what I was saying, right? All of that, that urgency to fix, that urgency to make everything right, that weight on your shoulders, it is your responsibility to fix this because they have conditioned you that way. We actually are out of that situation. Now, if you are, I hope you are. If not, we got to get out of that. We got to get out of that situation. No one should let you feel like that, right? But I don't have to react to stay safe anymore, and that's where that detachment actually begins. And you could write that on a post-it note. Put it on your mirror, put it on your forehead, wherever you'll see it. I don't have to react to stay safe anymore. We've been conditioned to react in some way, whether that reaction could be very submissive, that reaction could be fighting for our lives.

(08:27)
So you're not behind in healing. I know a lot of you, so many of my clients are like, oh, no, it had an effect on me. It's a transition time. It's not overnight that it's not going to have an effect. This is the transition to I'm of, Hey, something has maybe triggered me or given me that visceral reaction, and you know what I'm going to do with that? I'm going to not sucked into it. I'm going to talk to myself and remind myself I don't have to react. I don't have to do what they want just because I'm conditioned to do what they want.

(09:11)
I don't have to react to stay safe anymore. I am safe. I am safe. I'm safe. I feel like screaming it on the mountaintop. Okay? So you are unwinding survival patterns that took years to build, right? So once you have this light bulb and it's like, oh, they're a narcissist. You kind of figure that out. You understand that more. Then you start to go, okay, well, I shouldn't react to this. I'm out of this situation, and why can't I just move on? Why can't I get unstuck? Why can't I look like him in his happy little bubble life? First of all, he's full of shit. He's not happy. Or whoever your narc is, they're not happy. That's a whole other episode. Actually, that's a good episode. I should dive into that. And I have this conversation with my clients a lot, right? Because it's almost like, not a jealousy, but a, how are they so fine?

(10:10)
Let's say if it's your ex, how are they doing so well? Why are they so happy? Why are they having no problem? Their whole life is a problem. Again, that's another episode I definitely will be doing because I love that topic now, but your job isn't to worry about them or compare yourself to realize you are human. And this took a long time, most likely for some longer than others, meaning you've been in it longer. It probably didn't take super long. I mean, they're good at what they do, so they get you in. Didn't take 'em super long to love bomb you and get you under their spell. But it did take a while, right? They slowly got into your head, manipulated, confused, you, deflected onto you, lied to you, maybe cheated on you, maybe abused you emotionally, mentally, financially. There's a lot here. So you're not going to look at your post-it and repeat it three times and be like, I'm healed, mama.

(11:24)
No, but it can be a quicker process than you think once you actually do that deeper healing. And of course, that's what I'm here to handhold you through. The one-on-one sessions that are so important, this work, this somatic healing. If you don't know what somatic is it, it's the body, right? So we do the coaching, right? Some clients want to understand narcissism more and how they got there and how to trust. Again, all of that stuff, all the mind stuff, the logical stuff, the situational stuff, the customized coaching on that level. And then there's the somatic healing, which I mean, it's all great to me. I love all this work. But the somatic healing, there is something truly magical about it where your body remembers everything. Your body holds onto this stuff. Your body's a little behind the brain and the mind and your nervous system is going, I'm still not feeling safe.

(12:30)
I'm stuck. So your mind may not be completely stuck, but your nervous system is. So that can then trigger the mind to feel stuck and start replaying because it's going, wait, but my body's saying I'm not safe, so something's wrong, so I'm going to start spiraling. So it's this awful cycle. So we need to help the body too. In parallel. The body is this important piece that a lot of people really don't give enough credit to in healing. So that's my job to help both of those pieces of you. And we have the spiritual part too. I am a God person. I will always ask permission, but we can bring God in. We can bring prayer in if you're a God person too. But the somatic healing is mind blowing work. And what does that look like? We go on, I call 'em Soul Cas, okay?

(13:26)
We go on little Soul Cas in our one-on-one sessions. We do these once a week, and I have three programs. Please go check them out in the show notes, and you can read more in depth about them. But this is mind blowing work that will change your life, right? It's transformational. All my clients who have done it have had improvement in their life, some who have been with me a year. It is unrecognizable in a good way. I mean, they're them, but even more confident, they finally trust themselves. They're dating again, people who came in saying, I will never date again. I have no idea how I would ever trust anyone are out there now dating, feeling freedom, feeling confident, having a whole new career. I can't tell you just the impact that all of this stuff, when someone conditions you in these ways and smacks you down how it affects your entire life.

(14:29)
So it is so cool for me to help people through that transformation. It's just mind blowing, all of it, all of it. So sorry, I get so excited about it. So if you're interested in working, this is for somebody, the people, the women who are ready, who are ready to say, yeah, I am ready to do this work. I don't want to feel this way. I want to get unstuck, and I would love to carve out an hour a week. This is for people who aren't great, also at the self-care, at the carving, the timeout that do everything for everybody else, or they're used to that. People pleasers moms who just, it's hard to get even an hour away this hour. There's so much built into this hour that it feels like you get hours work worth of work. I'll say that. That's a good way to put it in one hour, but we try and make it fun too.

(15:34)
I mean, I'm Christie, so it's also fun. It's a little bit fun. I mean, I think it's a lot bit fun. I hate that it's related to this stuff, obviously, that we have to heal from. But yes, I do, of course, try to make it also light. You're not going to go out of the session weeping. We are going to make sure I am trained with trauma informed, which means I have been certified and trained how to make sure we're not going to re-trigger you and send you into some black abyss. You're in good hands, and we're going to help you at the end of the session. You will feel better and delighter and have definitely done some healing. So I'm excited about you being able to start this new chapter in your life. So if you are on board, if you are ready, again, all the information is in the show notes.

(16:32)
You can email me. My email is in there. If you have any questions at all, it's fierce Mama C at Gmail. What else? We have a Facebook group. Yes, we do. Queens Little Queen Facebook group for women just like you. And there are questions you have to answer because I want to make sure you're not a bot and that it is a sacred, safe place for all of you. So please answer those, or I will not let you in. That's just one of the rules. So what else? I guess that's it. If you didn't hear my episode on Tuesday, there's a full rundown on this topic, so you can listen to that or watch it on YouTube. I'm going to post both of these probably tonight on YouTube. Sometimes I'm a little later posting on YouTube, so sometimes they'll go up on Thursdays. But yes, I have a little YouTube channel.

(17:23)
If you want to see my face today. I don't think I have a, Nope, not a stitch of makeup on. So it's naked baby face today, but maybe you've seen worse. Maybe not. I don't know. You'll have to look and see. But if you are just on audio, I love you. Let's end with some beautiful affirmations. All right. Repeat after me. Hands over your heart unless you're driving. Then please keep them on the wheel and just listen. Don't close your eyes. All right? But those of you who are in a safe space to do so, close your eyes, hands on heart. Let's take a nice inhale through the nose, that halo breath breathing out. All right, I am safe. I am ready because I'm a queen. That's right. Yes, you are queen. All right, I will see you in the next episode next Tuesday. Don't forget to follow also on whatever platform you are listening or watching this. Make sure to follow so you don't miss any episodes because there's tons of 'em. Alright, have a great one. Love you. Bye.

The 3 Reasons You Still React to a Narcissist (Even When You Know Better)

You’ve learned the patterns. You understand narcissistic behavior. And yet — you still find yourself reacting, explaining, defending, or feeling emotionally pulled back in. This episode breaks down why that happens and why it has nothing to do with weakness or lack of healing. Christy explains the nervous-system and psychological reasons survivors continue to react, and how awareness alone isn’t enough to change the pattern. If you’ve ever left an interaction thinking, “Why did that still affect me?” — this episode will bring clarity and relief.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Why trauma bonding keeps your brain hooked even after separation

How nervous system conditioning overrides logic in real time

The hidden emotional triggers narcissists activate — often without words

The shift that helps you move from reaction → regulation → response

Your Next Step in Healing
If you’re ready to stop overthinking interactions and start feeling calm, clear, and grounded again, deeper support can help you retrain both mindset and nervous system responses.

3-Month Transformational Coaching (Deep-Dive Support)
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/
Focused, high-support coaching to help you stabilize emotionally, implement boundaries, and break reactive patterns.

6-Month Queens of Peace Coaching Container
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/
For women ready to fully rebuild self-trust, confidence, and emotional safety.

12-Month Queens of Peace Coaching Container
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/
Long-term transformation and identity rebuilding after narcissistic abuse.

Additional Support & Resources
Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free): https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts: https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/
Empowered Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Contact: https://christyjade.podbean.com/e/ep-5-the-grey-rock-method-how-to-disconnect-from-narcissistic-abusers/

 

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1 (00:00):

So you understand narcissistic behavior now or at least way more than you used to. You see the manipulation, you see the patterns you promised yourself, you will not get pulled in again. And then one message shows up and suddenly your heart is racing. You're explaining yourself again, and afterward you're wondering, why am I still reacting like this? Today we're going to talk about why that happens and why it does not mean you are failing at healing. Okay? Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen. This one's for you.

(00:51)
Hello queen. Welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery with Christy Jade. Alright, so I want to start first with something that I hear constantly, and maybe you've said this to yourself too. I know what they're doing. So why does it still affect me? Because there's this strange phase in healing where your awareness wakes up, but your nervous system is still lagging. It's still not caught up, and this is very, very normal. So I want you to know that first of all, right, your mind understands what happened, but your body, that nervous system, all the things still reacts like it is happening now. Basically it's stuck, and I get that word so much from my clients, I feel stuck. So the text comes in, your stomach drops, you feel pressure to respond immediately. That urgency, oh, I'm familiar, I remember that guy. Do not miss urgency. And you start mentally defending yourself before you've even unlocked your phone and afterwards, then comes the shame.

(02:04)
I should be past this. So today I want to walk you through something very gently, well, as queen gently as I can be, right? Because there are really three things happening underneath these reactions, and once you see them, you will stop blaming yourself. Well, that is my goal here. Okay, so reason one, your body still thinks you are in danger. When you lived inside these narcissistic dynamics, your nervous system adapted to survive the unpredictability. This is something that is not normal. It's not what most people have to go through in life, this unpredictable, unsafe feeling all the time. So you learn to respond quickly, explain fast, fix tension before it actually escalated. Not you were weak, but because your brain was protecting you, right? Your subconscious. So now when that person reaches out, your body reacts before logic has time to step in. Your heart speeds up your thoughts, race desperately trying to figure out what to do, even though a lot of times we've been through this over and over and you feel that urgency again, urgency is my enemy.

(03:32)
I still have some residual, and this is just a little side note, I'll get back in a second, but my a DD creeps in a side note of urgency that can be created even though I have healed so much and comes so far, and I don't feel that urgency to, especially those people that I know longer have relationship with or other similar toxic personalities that come along that treat people like that can try to condition you to feel like everything's urgent even though I don't have that. When you've been conditioned like that for a long time, especially if you grew up with it in your family, childhood, it's a long-term thing. You can develop just an urgency in general, which I've gotten rid of, but not totally all the way. So when I say we're still healing, we're always healing. No one in the world is always ever healed.

(04:28)
We're all on our different paths. I want to be very transparent. I have come so far and I am a completely different person in a fabulous way of who I used to be as far as narcissistic abuse recovery goes, but there's still some things in life that we still have to work on, and sometimes I'll get these little dings of this just urgency because it was so conditioned in my nature. So anyway, we're going to go back to what we're talking about here, but you might be able to relate to that, and I just want to be honest with you guys, so it's not like I know a lot of you will say you feel behind. Well, guess what? There is no behind. We're all always healing. So this urgency creates reaction and you're not reacting to this specific moment. Your nervous system is reacting to what it remembers, everything it remembers. And healing begins when the moment that you realize this is not a character flaw, it's just conditioning. So sometimes the most powerful change is simply pausing and shining a light on it, not answering right away, letting your body catch up to reality before your fingers start typing and you start explaining Overexplaining, can we be real?

(06:04)
I mean, there's so many different reactions we have with narcissists that we've been conditioned to do the overexplaining and just this trying to get the right word because you don't want to escalate and then you're like, well, maybe I shouldn't. There's back and forth in your own head and then it's too late. You already sent this message. So a lot of power comes in pausing and not answering right away, if at all. Do you have to answer? It depends right? With someone. You have to, and there's so many episodes I have on this type of stuff. Gray Rock Method episode is a really good place to start, but don't take the bait, don't get emotional. Keep it simple, keep it short, keep it factual. These are all tips in there. So not answering right away and also go listen to that episode and let your body catch up with reality before you actually start responding.

(07:06)
It is a great, fantastic idea when you get, first of all, you don't even need to read it right away unless it's like they have your child for the weekend. It could be an emergency, right? If not, you don't have to read it right away. Even the urgency is made up. It's bullshit. They conditioned us to feel, okay? So unless it's involving your child in the moment, it's not an emergency. They can wait and you can get your thoughts together to think of how you can stay in your power and your peace and respond with no emotion and no extra information for them either. That is a big tip. Don't let them have extra information that they can use against you. Okay? So reason two, you're still communicating. This is a healthy relationship. Most survivors keep reacting because they're still trying to communicate normally. So you're trying to clarify, you're trying to be fair as you would with anyone.

(08:07)
You're trying to be the bigger person in a way. We talked about this a little bit last week. You're trying to be understood. Can I tell you one of our biggest triggers as narcissist, abuse, recover, or survivors is being misunderstood. Anyone out there? Yeah. Is that true? I know it's true For me, one of my Achilles was being misunderstood. Now you misunderstand me. That's on you. B, bye-bye. Not my shit. Hashtag not my shit. Okay? But that is something that can definitely be a trigger. So when we feel like we're being misunderstood, which they'll purposely misunderstand you or pretend they are misunderstanding you, we go into, oh no, I have to make sure. So now I have to what? Over. Explain. Okay.

(08:58)
Healthy relationships resolve through communication. So we think, oh, if I communicate I can make this better. That's what we should think. If we're in a healthy relationship, we should think, oh, well I need to talk about this. We need to work through this. We can get through this together, but we're not in a healthy relationship even if we're outside the relationship, we are technically in relationship with this person. If we're in communication with them, which I know a lot of you are, especially when you are co-parenting or trying to figure out what to do in a relationship or getting out of it. Sometimes we're out of it, but we still have a little strings attached and if you're there, run, no, I'm just kidding. Alright, but narcissistic dynamics, they don't calm through understanding. They continue through engagement. So what does that mean? They don't get calmer through understanding.

(09:59)
Why? Because again, this isn't a healthy individual who's receiving your information like a healthy individual would, right? So it's just continuing engagement and that's what they want, and they want you to take the bait so they can gain more control of you and confuse you and manipulate you more. So then every explanation gives more material for them, right? I was saying you don't want them to have more material, more ammo against you. Every defense keeps that emotional loop alive and they love that. They love to get emotions out of you, good or bad, they don't care. And this realization can be freeing and heartbreaking at the same time. When you realize all this stuff, I was just talking to a client this week about this, it can be devastating that all of this is going on, but once you accept it, so the hard part is realizing it. Let's put it this way, the hard part is realizing it. The freeing part is accepting it.

(11:11)
Okay? Should I say that again? The hard part is realizing it very difficult. You might not even be able to do it overnight. It might be a couple weeks to really soak in when you start to really understand the mind of a narcissist, but the freedom in it, the power in it comes from accepting that it's all true, right? Because you start to see it through a very different lens. So you were not failing to communicate well enough. You're trying to solve something that wasn't designed to be solved. They don't want it to get that sucks, right? It sucks to realize that. But the faster you accept that knowing, they actually don't want to resolve this, they don't want to have peace. And if they say they do, they're bullshitting you. I know you want peace. You're the only one who can get it for yourself.

(12:17)
They will not give that to you. They're not giving peace out on any kind of silver, gold or rose gold platter. So when responses become shorter, simpler, focused on only what actually matters, you get out of that emotional area. And we're not doing this to punish them. You don't have to be vindictive, you don't have to be mean. You be neutral, baby. That gray rock method is called gray rock for reason. What's gray? Neutral blend in neutral. We're not going to be sparkly. They don't get our sparkle and they don't get our dark because dark is not our natural state. Sparkle, of course it is. We're queens. They don't deserve all the sparkles so they can have our leftover neutral, okay? Actually my neutral is leopard print. So where do we go from there? I don't know. Okay, so you're not doing it though to punish them, okay?

(13:15)
So any guilt you have, spit it out. Just spit it out. It's gross. We don't like the taste of guilt, okay? We're going to just protect our peace. You're protecting your peace. And I've heard this so many times in different phrasing, but boundaries are not made to hurt others or control others, but to protect yourself. So anytime you have that guilt creep up, remember that part that did help me? I remember the first time I heard that years ago about boundaries. We've been conditioned by narcissists that boundaries are selfish. No, no ma'am. They're not selfish. No, they're protecting yourself, which is absolutely normal. You're not trying to control them. You're not telling them what to do. You are maybe telling them what you'll do if they do something, but that's not controlling them. That's a response, right? Here's an example, quick example.

(14:15)
If you continue to talk to me that way, I'm going to hang up the phone. You're not saying they can't talk to you that way. There's just a consequence, a natural consequence to them being a jackass. All right, get it. Okay, moving on. Reason three, oh my gosh, I'm so thirsty. I had pizza today. Do you guys get thirsty when you pizza? Hold on, I'm taking a swig. I feel like I get so thirsty. Maybe there's extra sodium in there. Is that a me thing? Alright, so reason three, part of you is still waiting for closure. Ah, it's true. So this one is a little quieter, but maybe deeper. Maybe it's deeper. Maybe we don't want to think about it, but maybe it's true. So ears open. Listen to Christy Jade. So many reactions happen because part of you still hopes that one interaction will feel different.

(15:20)
Maybe they'll finally understand. You can be a big tough ass bee. Like myself, I was always kind of tough. I wasn't as tough as I am now probably, but I was at a little tough side, maybe not with certain people, but even that tough girl who was like, I don't care, whatever. Was there a little hope, a little sliver that narc would hear me or not misunderstand me the trigger? Or maybe I'd be special enough to change them. Maybe they take accountability because they love me so much. By the way, PS, another heartbreaker is they don't really know what true love feels like. They don't love the same way as us. I don't know what to call it, but I don't want to call it anything right now. We're not going to talk about their love other than that can mess with your mind. So I'm slipping that in there. It's just a note. Just a little side note that they don't love the same way I get that question a lot, you guys, well, if he loved me, how could he do this? They don't love in the same way that we know how to love.

(16:42)
But back to the reactions I'm trying to hold on. Lemme look at my notes here happened because part of, yes, still the hope, still the hope that they will maybe show you kindness, that they'll soften, they'll have a wake up call, any of that. And there's nothing wrong with wanting that. It means you loved sincerely. And I don't want you to regret loving anything. Anyone in this world we're beautiful humans with beautiful love, beautiful hearts. Most of us are empaths that get taken advantage of by people like this, right? We have a lot to give. I am a wild, passionate Italian woman. I got a lot of love. I got a lot of spice. I will tell you how I think, especially now, but we have a lot of love and I don't want anyone to go, man, I wish I never, I wish I never, I believe we all had a path. We don't know all the reasons, but what do you do now? You learn lessons. Yes, but regretting love. No, it means you love sincerely. That's okay.

(18:06)
The healing accelerates though. When the closure stops being something that you want to receive, it doesn't come from the conversation going differently. Closure comes from you no longer needing that conversation to feel. Okay? That's when the actual shift starts happening. And I've had that in my own journey where I really, even though I didn't seek it deep down, there was this hope of this sliver of hope. I say didn't really know if it was there, but there was always a little hope. Well, maybe one day I'll get that, sorry or that call. And then I had another day where I woke up and said, I don't even want that call. I don't need that call. I don't care about that call anymore. I don't need that anymore because I had been on my healing journey. I had done the inside work, especially the somatic healing.

(19:30)
Blew all my healing out of the water. Hashtag somatic healing is the bomb. I don't know why I'm doing hashtags in the bomb. I'm really just regressing today. So welcome to my regression show. But I, in my journey, that moment of it was a new truth that was truly from the inside. I felt it deep and I know who I am. I don't need to be affirmed by other people anymore. I don't need a conversation for closure anymore. I know who I am. I know I loved hard. I love hard in general. I'm a good person. I'm a good wife. I'm a good sister, I'm a good mother, I'm a good daughter. And I'm not trying to be like, ooh, toot too. But at a point you finally get enough confidence, it doesn't mean you're cocky. It means you're saying, I am good enough. I'm finally good enough.

(20:43)
And if you've been conditioned by a narcissist bottom line, you believe you're not good enough. At some point, probably ongoing. And I never felt good enough because this narcissist, well, there's a couple in my life, but one started out and I didn't feel good enough because of how they messed with my mind and my beliefs about myself and to do all this beautiful somatic work and come out of that being like I'm not questioning myself anymore and gaining the self trust, not just confidence, right? I'm good enough, but I trust myself to know X, Y, z moving forward. That is huge. That's the hugest thing that I feel I can help guide you through in working with me. That is a gift. Not saying it's my gift. I'm just saying this work is a gift. I think it's a gift from God. I love that he placed it in my life and I've had such impact from it, and I love even more that I got to experience it, know how amazing it is, and immediately be like, okay, I need to put this into my work because now we are talking more than, I mean, it was great enough with the narcissistic abuse, recovery, coaching, now you're going to go sprinkle in the somatic stuff and lives are exploding in amazing ways.

(22:19)
I know that's a weird word to say, but it is just because it's mind blowing work. It's mind blowing. That's all I can say. It's really awesome. So I got totally sidetracked there, but I love it. So let's go back, wind this up, that closure, the shift starts happening once you let go of needing that closure, but there's a gap there. You need it probably right now if you're agreeing with this. So you need to do some healing before you can close that gap. And that's whether it's with your therapist, whether it's with me, whatever you can do to close that gap. So what does healing actually look like?

(23:06)
It's not the moment you never feel triggered again in your life, okay? It's actually kind of quieter than that. It's like pausing before responding, right? Take your little fingers away from that text message. Go put that phone in a drawer. Go back to it later and listen to the Gray Rock Method episode. I'll try to put that in the show notes. By the way, it looks like we're recovering faster, which is huge with somatic healing. It looks like noticing the reaction without being controlled by it. So you might get even a visceral response for a while. That might not be overnight that that leaves you. But instead of letting that marinate and take over and control your body and then your mind, you go, wow, I feel my body getting real tense about this. Let's say it's just a text message and you go, okay, I'm going to do some breathing.

(24:09)
We got some somatic tools from Christie Jade up in here. That's by the way, thrive in five on Thursdays are all about those tools. How can I take myself into the present moment, shift from away from being triggered and telling my body, guess what? Calm down. We're safe. We're good. Take a breath. Go take a walk. Go listen to some fun music. Go eat some bon bonds, okay? Get out of that moment. Don't be controlled by their shit anymore. And the day you realize something small, but life changing, the message comes in and your whole day doesn't collapse. It doesn't affect you the rest of the day. You don't have to go call your girlfriends. You don't have to cry and eat too many bond bonds. We got to moderate our bond bonds. And that's when your nervous system finally understands, I am safe. Now I just put my hands in my heart. Oh, I was feeling that. It's my favorite little phrase. I'm safe now.

(25:21)
So if you're still reacting, sometimes you're not behind. First of all, you're in very good company. I know a lot of you guys, you can actually join my Facebook page and chat together. That's in the show notes too, right? You're not broken. You're in the middle of your body learning a new definition of safety. You're in a transition. That's all it is. So just breathe. Not everything can happen overnight, and you're not going to win healing by never being triggered. We all want that. I hope to never be triggered again. I can still get triggered, but it's what I can now do with it because of my healing. I got to take another swig, man.

(26:13)
I'm sure it's lovely to listen to out there. You like it my gulps. So you actually win when their behavior stops. Like deciding your emotional state. Take your power back, queen. Don't let them do that. You're letting them do that. They're not doing it. No one can control your emotions and that's not fun. We love to blame everybody else, and I'm not trying to put blame on you, not adding to guilt or shame, but saying we do get to heal and we get to shift that power and it's beautiful. This is empowerment. And then it shifts slowly and then all at once. I do feel like there's this click moment where just like a lot changes, you go through these motions and it's like boom. And you're like, whoa. And you look back, you're like, I get here. This is amazing and it's coming for you.

(27:09)
You're listening to this podcast. So obviously you're one step closer to freedom. So if this episode resonated, share it with someone who needs the reminder that healing isn't about perfection, it's just about progress. And if you, like I said, you want some deeper support, I basically do coaching and somatic healing wrapped up into one. And we do one hour sessions once a week, and I have three programs we could do three months, six month and 12 month. And you can read about them in the show notes if you want more details or you can always email me. My email will be in the show notes too. You can ask me more about them or we set up a fun little call and start if you're ready. Yeah, I know I want this. I'm in. You can start with three months, six month, 12 month. They all have Voxer access, which is a fun walkie talkie app.

(28:12)
So you can either just text normal people or do voice messaging, which I say like normal people because some of my friends hate voice messaging. I like it, I'm fine with it. But you can do that. It's on Voxer and I can explain details of that. But generally I check that once or twice a day and I'll get back to you within 24 hours during Monday through Friday. So that's a fun thing my clients love taking advantage of. And it's in between our weekly calls. They get to be like, Hey, I was just thinking about this. Someone might be, I've got spinning out calls. You can't leave. 80 minute messages says, okay guys, but you get my point. I mean, I've had people kind of spinning out and like, oh, this thought's resonated. And then I get to come back and remind them what a queen they are, and I give them tools.

(29:06)
Maybe in the moment, go do X, Y, Z. And it's beautiful. They get this in-between support. So I don't know. I love my programs, but I'm very biased. No, I'm just kidding. If you do have questions, seriously, please email me or read the more detailed descriptions on the links. You can click the links and read more and sign up because I want to work with you because I want to help more people because f these narcs that think they can get away with this, know we are going to heal and we are going to take over the damn world. World, yes, Queens. All right, let's end with I feel like we need to some affirmations. Take a nice breath through your nose, out your mouth, and repeat after me. All right. Let's see what's a good one for this week? I separate my energy from their dark energy. Okay, I am no longer in danger because I am a queen. Yes, you are. Shine that crown. Go sign up to work with me. Make sure to follow so you don't miss any episodes on whatever platform you're on. And I will see you in the next episode on Thursday. Love you. Bye.