Can’t Go No Contact? How to Stop the Obsessive Thoughts, Calm Your Nervous System & Protect Your Peace Around a Narcissist
Episode Summary
If your mind keeps replaying every conversation, argument, or manipulation, you’re not broken — your nervous system is stuck in protection mode. In this episode, Christy Jade explains why obsessive thoughts happen after narcissistic abuse and the exact steps to interrupt the loop so you can finally reclaim your mental space.
If you feel mentally hijacked, constantly analyzing them, or exhausted from thoughts you don’t want, this episode will show you how to break the cycle and come back to yourself.
What You’ll Learn
Why obsessive thinking is a normal trauma response
How trauma bonding and hypervigilance keep the loop alive
What your brain is trying to protect you from
How to interrupt intrusive thoughts without relying on willpower
Somatic tools to regulate your nervous system
How to restore clarity and stop overthinking
Your Next Step in Healing
Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching and Somatic Healing
For survivors who are stuck in loops, overwhelmed, or ready to finally rebuild peace and self-trust with real support and structure.
1-Month Coaching (Private Support & Nervous System Reset)
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly
3-Month Coaching (Deep Healing, Identity Rebuild, Full Transformation)
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly
Paid Resource: Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts
If overthinking or panic about how to respond is feeding your mental spiral, these scripts stop it instantly.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/
Empowered Boundaries Course
10 video modules, meditation bundle, and lifetime access.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries
Free Resource: Boundaries Pocket Guide
https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Free Facebook Community
https://facebook.com/groups/christyjade
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Mama, if you've tried journaling, blocking, deleting, praying, meditating, and you still cannot stop thinking about the narcissist, especially when you can't go no contact because of the kids, court, family, or finances, this episode is going to be a little lifeline for you. Okay? I'm going to break down why your brain won't let go, and the steps to stop the obsessive thoughts. Calm that cute little nervous system of yours and reclaim your peace. Remember your peace bubble. You know about that? Yeah. We want to get your peace bubble on, okay? Even if you're still in contact like frequently. Okay, here we go.
(00:46)
Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.
(01:44)
All right, Queens, let's go there. Alright, you're not obsessed, you're not weak, you're not crazy. Well, maybe a little crazy, but the good crazy, like my kind of crazy. I like your crazy. Okay, alright. Your brain is actually doing exactly what a brain does when it's been trapped in a cycle of trauma plus unpredictability. Okay? So here's what's happening. We're going to do the queen breakdown. Number one, the threat detector part of your brain. It's still on patrol, it's still out there with its shield, with its sword, it's ready. So when you have to share a child, a house, a calendar school event, your brain is scanning, what will their mood be like today? Will they explode? Will they pull something? This is hypervigilance, and it's not like your character flaw, it's just survival mode, what you've been conditioned to do. Number two, your nervous system is addicted to the pattern, so it's not addicted to them.
(02:51)
This is a misconception. You're not really addicted to them. You have been, again, kind of conditioned to be addicted to the cycle, the anticipation, the crash, the tiny breadcrumbs of calm that can happen here and there. Your body learned to stay ready. So that leads us to number three, this lack of closure that keeps that loop spinning, right? That addictive loop. So narcissists don't give real endings. They don't give apologies, especially legit ones. They might really fake it. They don't give ownership accountability, and they sure as hell don't give the truth. So your brain keeps searching for what it never got and it is still not getting. Number four, if you cannot go no contact, that loop resets every single time they pop up One email, one we need to talk, one school event where they walk in like a ghost of drama past. Oh, you feel that?
(04:13)
Feel the holidays coming. Yeah, you're going to feel 'em big time. You got a narc. We'll definitely do an episode about that. But then boom, the cycle restarts. You are not imagining this. This is a biological reason that you can't shut it off F. So why just ignoring them doesn't really work for you. A lot of advice online is for people who get to go no contact. I've even shared episodes at that, right? It's a great thing if you can do that. But for most survivors, I would say at least 90% of my clients now, maybe more now, actually, you are living with them while separating. Maybe you're dealing with maybe a narcissistic parent. So even if you're not co-parenting, there could be this reason you can't disconnect. Totally. Maybe you're stuck in the same town, the same friendship circle, the same court system, the same school.
(05:26)
Let me say this clearly, you cannot regulate your nervous system by pretending danger is not danger. You regulate it by understanding what's happening inside of you and giving your body a different experience. Which brings us to drum roll. That's my really sad attempt at a drum roll. Can you hear it? Okay, how to stop the obsessive thoughts, the brain loop breakers. So, alright, loop breaker number one, give your brain a script. Your brain like mine hates uncertainty. So what are we going to do? We're going to give it certainty, ladies, okay? Try this phrase. This thought is not a warning, it's a leftover survival response. This thought is not a warning. It's not like a reality warning, right? It's a leftover survival response. And so you can repeat that every time the intrusive thought hits and you're teaching your brain, this is old danger, not current danger.
(06:40)
This isn't my current reality, right? Loop breaker number two, the 92nd nervous system reset, baby. This is quick, right? 90 seconds, we all have 90 seconds. It's gentle and it works. Okay? So number one, put your hand to your heart. Two exhale longer than you inhale, right? You inhale four seconds in, and then you're going to exhale six seconds out. So you're really expelling that breath. And then three, look around the room and name five things you can see. Look at my beautiful palm tree. Look at my beautiful palm tree pajamas. Do you notice a pattern? I like palm trees. Oh, palm tree comforter. I'm not lying, you guys. Alright, so you get the idea though. You're looking around finding five things and this tells your brain we are not with the narcissist right now. We're safe.
(07:42)
We're in Palm Beach, baby. Okay, now, loop breaker number three. This is the micro no contact method. So even when you can't go full, no contact, you can create these little predictable micro boundaries. These kind of like rules. Boundaries only respond at certain times, only respond through one channel. Many of my clients, if you're listening, you're like, yeah, here Christie is, we've heard these before, right? Keep it simple. Only use short factual sentences. Do not take the bait, do not get emotional. Do not fall into their traps of oversharing your information. They don't need it. Short, factual sentences, no emotional explanations. Let's highlight that. They want your emotions. They can use them against you later. It's one of their favorite pastimes and present times if you let it be. Don't. And no jade is in this so beautiful, but this is my name, right? Christy Jade, huh?
(08:51)
And it can stand for no justifying JA for arguing. No arguing. D, for defending. Do not defend yourself. You have no reason to and no explaining. You don't need to explain shizz. Okay? So Jade, justify, argue, defend, explain. Don't do none of 'em. So this cuts down the emotional activation and the mental replay. Isn't that beautiful? So beautiful. Alright, in our last loop breaker number four. Last but not least, interrupt the fantasy. We don't just obsess over what happened. We obsess over what might happen, what they could do next, what we should have said, right? I do all those things. I've done all those things. I currently don't do them. I'm not saying I never do. Look, we're never perfect, okay? We are never fully a thousand percent healed. I'm going to throw that out there. So we all have our moments, but this is something, it can be literally night and day still.
(09:58)
Okay? So we want to get rid of these constantly worrying about what might happen and what I could have done or what could happen next. When you catch your brain running all these future episodes, use this line. We'll handle that. If it happens right now I'm here. It's kind of like cross the bridge, baby, cross that golden bridge. We'll handle it if it happens, and you know I'm going to bring God into this, right? Let's have a God moment together. God's handling it and God will help me handle it if and when it needs to be handled. Right now, I'm here in the present in my truth, right this second. It brings you back into that present moment and that's where your power actually is. So how to calm your nervous system when you still have to deal with them. Well, here are your real world Christie approved tools.
(11:05)
Number one, we're going to create a pre-contract ritual. So before you respond to a message or see them in person, do one grounding exercise. It trains your brain and your body not to panic at the sound of their name. You'll see over time, the more you do it that the more you won't have that visceral reaction. Okay? One grounding. I have a bunch of episodes with all sorts of grounding techniques, but you can always email me if you'd like. Help with that. My email's always in the show notes. And two, create a post contact detox. Okay? Yeah, you want to shake that nasty dark energy off of your queen body. Okay? So something little. It doesn't have to be crazy. You could take a 10 minute walk, a warm shower, shake out your arms. I love a good arm shake. Okay? I might look crazy, but I feel good music, right?
(12:04)
Your favorite jams a brain dump note if you're like to write stuff down, okay? Otherwise, all that toxic crap stays in your body for hours, maybe years, and you do not look cute in toxicity. Okay? I am sorry you don't, nobody does. Don't take offense. Alright? And then three, limit their access. Even if they don't know it, you decide when you read the messages. This is the training that can be hard to redo this. And this is where my work with you one-on-one really comes into play, right? We are going to rewire that so you can do this work so you can decide and stick to your boundaries. When you read messages, when you reply, what you reply, how much space you give, this is where you get your power back, getting that control back. So you get to say, I'm only going to read their messages at 3:00 PM every day.
(13:02)
Obviously if they have your kid, you might want to just read it to make sure everything's okay. But when you have your kid in your possession, you don't need to be checking if they're sending 50 messages a day about bs. No thank you. And you get to decide when you reply. If you have court papers that say you must reply within 24 hours, okay, there you go. But outside of legalities, you get to decide. Okay? And then finally, build a safety identity. Start telling yourself, I'm a woman who protects her peace every day as every boundary, every calm response, you become the version of you who's no longer reactive, you're grounded, you're clear, and not available for the chaos. Can you say, I'm not available for the chaos? Please tell me, come on. That's right, you're not. Okay, so we're getting wrapped up here. I know this is kind of longer episode. Oh, it's actually not. It feels so long. I guess I'm jamming a lot in here. Wow, it's only 13 minutes so far, you guys, you could listen to it twice. Alright, so the truth you need to hear, the goal is not to become immune to them overnight.
(14:23)
It's to become less reactive, less activated, less available. I love that one. Less attached. You're still attached if you're having these issues and less mentally occupied. I know that's a huge one for you guys and I've been there. You want them out of your dang brain and every little shift is healing. And when you train your brain and your body to stop treating them like an emergency, can we say that again? When you train your brain and your body to stop treating them like an emergency, that's the problem here, right? That's the big holdup. The obsession fades and your peace expands soon. You might not even need that golden peace bubble around you. You'd be like, I am peace Emma. Okay? And you finally become the version of you that the narcissist never wanted you to meet. And they don't want to meet her either.
(15:28)
That's right. Come at me, bro. Okay, comment. Christie, I need to use a grounding tool. Alright? So if this episode felt like someone finally is explaining what's happening in your body and your brain, you're not alone. And you are very capable of breaking these cycles. So don't listen to anyone saying you're damaged forever or Oh, I don't want to hear it. We are queens and we are absolutely capable of breaking these cycles and yes, more quickly than you think. It's with some slow titrated work, but the transformations that my clients have are insane. So again, you want to do one-on-one work. Go to my show notes, click the different ways we can work together one-on-one. The most transformational epic shit that will happen in your life. Yeah, I'm getting excited. Yeah, I'm biased. Is my three month transformational coaching? It's not just coaching, it is coaching mixed with.
(16:35)
And that's really like we are going through how to deal with the narcissist themselves, how to deal with you, your nervous system, what tools, it's all the tangibles and methods. And then we have the somatic healing aspect, which is it's mind blowing work that you can't really explain until you've done it. You can try. I have tried, but the level of depth and how amazing it is is really hard to describe. But it is healing from the body are sometimes I call 'em soul cas. We go on just a beautiful calm little soul cas. Other times if you're having pain or tension, we will sit with that and we will resolve that. I mean, I can tell you anytime I've had a client coming in with pain that can be manifested from emotional things, we have always lessened it, if not completely gone because everything is tied together.
(17:39)
So I'm just telling you, it is amazing work. And these are tools, both the more tangible things and the energetic somatic things we do are tools you can use yourself, you can take with you and you can teach your children. You are breaking cycles and passing along tools that are going to change the world. Yep, I said it. They're going to change. Now if everyone did this, oh there would be no war. Everyone would hold hands and smile and have rainbows and bunnies all day. Yep. Alright. That means it's Christie's overtired time. I am recording this at night and I am a little tired and when I'm tired sometimes I sing weird songs. Alright, so you get the point here, right? You want to work one-on-one, really transform, sign up for the three month transformational coaching. I also have a monthly option. Both are going to get you epic results with the three month.
(18:45)
There is the bonus of you get to have video, not video. That'd be a lot. I love you guys. Not that much. No, I'm just kidding. In between, you can do audio recordings or text on the Voxer app. It's like a walkie-talkie app. It is free. It's kind of like WhatsApp I guess. And you get that in between calls so you get the support. So this is for people who really are ready for this work, ready to do this and just want to take their life back. So if that's you, sign on up. I'm so excited to help any of you. This is why I'm here. So that it is my baby. I have a course, a boundaries course, you can buy that too. My baby is my one-on-one transformational three month shit that just I get so excited for because the work we do is sacred.
(19:46)
So yes, come hit or I do not have tons of spots open. So if you want that, there are limited spots because I have limited time, obviously it takes a lot of time. And these are hour long video calls every week. And then I email you and sometimes we have plans or different, sometimes I will look at your divorce documents. I'm there for that kind of support too. I'm not an attorney, but I will give advice and I will tell you what to ask your attorney. Stuff like that. So it runs the gamut. Alright? So check out those things in the show notes and join my Facebook community for that little daily support. You can talk to each other in there. And your piece is not only possible, it's inevitable when you learn how to protect it with your little golden bubble. Alright? So I will see you in the next episode. Remember, Thursdays episodes are always related to Tuesdays, but they're just these little bite-sized somatic healing episodes. And don't forget to follow the podcast, whatever platform you're listening so you don't miss out on any of my episodes because there is so much fun here. I mean, who knew you could have fun healing from narcissistic abuse? This guy did. This girl. Excuse me. All right, love you guys. See you the next one.
Denmark