NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

Feel like you know they’re toxic but still feel emotionally hooked? This deep cord-cutting is your sacred reset. Release the energetic ties, reclaim your peace, and feel lighter—fast.

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Speaker 1 (00:00):

All right, this episode is for saving, and you can go back to it over and over and over and over again. You might need it. Sometimes we do cord cuttings and they do work immediately. A hundred percent. I have had that happen with one of mine, one of my narcissist cord cuttings, another one where it was someone I had known a lot longer and deeper relationship with. It took somewhat longer a few times, and then sometimes it feels good to just do it if you have any sort of feeling like come back, right? Because nothing's foolproof, like, oh my God, you're never going to think about this person or worry about this person again in your life, right? But I promise you, there is energetic entanglement that does get separated when you do these cord cutting. So stay close. Wait for my amazing intro and then you'll be back. And we're going to dive deep into this cord cutting from a narcissist.

(01:07)
Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back while you're in the right place. Queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and drive ice and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you, so steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.

(02:05)
Alright, welcome, queen. I am so excited for this episode because these have helped me so much. Oh my gosh. Let me just describe real quick. One of my favorite cord cuttings was from someone I knew from a very, very long time ago, and I was really worried. I had cut them out of my life and was like, this is going to be so hard. So right away, I'm going to do a cord cutting, and I had done cord cuttings before. That's so I had experience with them, so I knew to just do it right away. And I did a cord cutting. It was very powerful. I had some emotions come up. It was a 20 minute one just like this. And the I don't know, difference. It was really night and day right after. And I can't promise you everyone is going to have exact same results, but I do promise you will have some result and feel a change, even if it's a small one.

(03:09)
It also depends on how open you are and what you believe. I always say you got to have faith for things to happen. That's just my personal beliefs about a lot of things. But this worked so well for me, especially with that one person. Other ones, like I said earlier, that it might take a little bit longer or a few times. So it depends. Everyone's different. So give it time, give yourself grace, but you will have some transformation of some sort, and definitely save this, save this, save this. Okay, so let's just take a breath for a second. Okay? This is your sacred space here where we're going to do this cutting. This is your moment to realize what no longer serves you. That doesn't mean you're selfish, just means there's something that it's not even just not serving you. It is doing damage to you.

(04:11)
So to cut the energetic cords that have kept you tangled in pain, confusion, the chaos of narcissistic abuse, right? We don't want to stay in that spiderweb of hell. So you are safe here in this moment. You are powerful here. You have the power right here. You are coming home to you. So I invite you to take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale. This is the beginning of your new found freedom. Okay? When you feel ready, close your eyes. We're going to do a little breath work to start. Bring both hands to your heart and make sure you are in a quiet space where you will be uninterrupted. Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. These are called halo breaths, and they're my favorite. Again, inhale peace.

(05:30)
Exhale tension. Feel your body sink. Sink into whatever piece of furniture floor is supporting you, knowing this is your time. Let your shoulders drop. Unclench your jaw, soften your belly. Now breathe into your heart space. Visualize a soft golden light glowing in the center of your chest, expanding gently with every breath. This is your power center, your intuition, your truth. Now, I want you to imagine standing in a wide open space. It's safe, it's sacred, it's protected before you, and I'm here with you. You're not alone. You're safe before you stand. The image of the narcissist you are cutting ties with, they're only here as a symbol. Okay? You're safe. You're in full control here. They cannot hurt you here.

(07:18)
Now, look down between you and this narcissist. There is an energetic cord. What does it look like to you? Is it thick, thin, frayed tight? Is it glowing? Is it dark? Just observe this cord without judgment. There's no right or wrong. It just is what it is. Just be with this cord. This cord has been connected through pain, guilt, trauma, obligation, maybe even love of some sort, familial, romantic friendship, love. But now it's time to release this court. Release these things that you've been carrying, not because you hate, but because you love yourself enough to let go. And I'm going to repeat that because you love yourself enough to let go.

(08:47)
It's time to let go. Take a moment now to feel into what this connection has cost you. This might bring up some feelings. Just let them rise up. It's okay. Don't push them away. Just let them bubble up and say these affirmations quietly or aloud after me so you can say them in your mind or speak them out loud. Whatever you are comfortable with, I will say them first and give you time to repeat and go on to the next one. I acknowledge the pain this bond has brought. I acknowledge the way I've ded myself to stay connected.

(09:50)
I acknowledge the confusion, the fear, and the self-doubt that's lived in this cord. I acknowledge that I am done, done, shrinking, done, doubting, done carrying energy that is not mine. Now we are getting to the cutting of the cord. Visualize yourself holding a powerful tool of your choice. This may be scissors, a golden sword with some diamonds. That's what I'm using, a beam of light, a torch. Whatever feels strong yet sacred to you. Okay, you've got that in your mind's eye. Raise that tool toward the cord. Now we're going to breathe in deeply through the nose. And on your exhale, you're going to swiftly cut the cord.

(11:30)
Exhale, cutting the cord. Now watch it. Watch it fall away. Watch the image of that narcissist, dissolve, disintegrate. Feel your energy shift. Feel it. How does that feel? The lightness in your chest, the strength in your belly, that power and the peace that begins to bloom. Sit in this moment. Let yourself really enjoy this. Tears may come up, confidence may come up. Things you have been sitting on and squishing down may rise. There is a shift. There has been a shift in you. Now say aloud, I'll say it. And then you can repeat after me. I release you.

(12:45)
I forgive what I need to for my own healing. I do not need closure. I create my own. The cord is cut, the pattern is broken. The cycle ends with me. Beautiful. Now we're going to seal and protect your energy. So when you feel ready, bring your hands back to your heart. Imagine that golden light in your chest expanding again, but now it begins to wrap around you like a cocoon. This is your shield, your golden shield. No one gets access unless you allow it. Right? You're in control. Repeat after me. I reclaim my energy.

(14:18)
I call back every piece of me I gave away. I am whole. I am protected. I am safe in my own body, in my own power. Sit and feel that power for a moment. Breathe it in. Feel nice and strong. Balance that crown on your head, queen. Now visualize roots growing from the soles of your feet down into the earth. You can even picture some golden roots. Notice I like gold. You are grounded, you are anchored, yet you are free. Isn't that an amazing feeling? From here, I invite you to picture your future, the embodiment of you in your future. Feel it. You are light, you are free, you are rising.

(15:59)
From this moment forward, the cord remains cut. It cannot reattach. You have already shifted. You've chosen by doing this here today. You have chosen your freedom. Repeat after me. I trust the healing has begun. I trust the Holy Spirit God, or maybe just your higher self is guiding me. I walk in peace. I walk in power, and I never look back. Take one more deep breath through your nose. Exhale. And when you're ready, gently bring awareness back to your body. Wiggle your fingers, roll your shoulders. Do some hip swerves, whatever feels good. And when you are ready, slowly open your eyes.

(17:44)
You did something truly powerful today. You don't know anyone. Access to your energy, right? You're allowed to walk away without guilt. You are allowed to protect your own peace. You're allowed to be free. If you found this helpful, make sure to definitely follow the podcast for more healing tools. Thursdays, we do thrive. Thrive to five, I almost said that's not it. Five to thrive. So there are shorter healing methods. And generally on Tuesdays, they're my full episodes. This is kind of a rare one where I'm doing a whole episode related to an actual embodied exercise. But I have been asked to do this several times, so I'm finally doing it. So this is that deeper dive. And last week I did put out a shorter version. If you just want to a quick fix, you can always do that. And if you ever need a full personalized cord cutting, definitely email me.

(18:58)
All of my information is always in the description notes. Do not forget to go over there if you want to work with me or purchase my boundaries course, which is amazing. I'm a little biased. Yes I am. But I love it. And I have many, many happy clients that have gone through the boundaries course and have told me all of their amazing shifts in their lives where they have gone from people pleasers to loving themselves, drawing boundaries without guilt, and had really amazing results. Right? So I hope you enjoyed this today. You are not alone. You are rising up like the queen you are. And I will see you in the next episode.

If guilt hits the second you set a boundary, it’s easy to think you did something wrong. But in narcissistic or emotionally unsafe dynamics, guilt often shows up because you finally did something right: you protected your peace.

In today’s Thrive in Five, we’re talking about why boundaries feel so hard after emotional abuse, how your nervous system connects “saying no” with danger, and the simple mindset shift that makes boundaries easier to hold.

You’ll also learn a 3-part boundary formula you can use immediately — without over-explaining, defending, or getting pulled into a debate.

This episode is for you if you’re ready to stop negotiating your needs and start building real emotional safety in your life.

Your Next Step in Healing

If you’re ready to stop second-guessing yourself and start holding boundaries without spiraling, I can help.

✨ 3-Month Coaching Container
Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

✨ 6-Month Coaching Container
Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free):
https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts:
https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen. This one's for you. What'd you think? That was me doing my sound test. What? And I feel too lazy tonight to edit it out, so you get to hear it. That's my sound test. Oh, my lighting is trash if you're on YouTube. Sorry. Sorry for you. My lighting is trash. I just put all these eyedrops in that probably are making my makeup a mess, but here I am. What do you get with Christie Jade? You get authenticity at its finest. All right. So today in our Thrivent five, we're talking about boundaries. They aren't mean. They're your nervous systems. Safety plan. All right? So if you feel guilty every time you set a boundary, you're not too sensitive, you're not bad at boundaries.

(01:20)
You're trained to believe that protecting yourself is wrong. And today we are going to break that programming. Yes, we are. I love a good cycle breakage, right? All right. So here's the truth. A lot of women don't struggle with boundaries because they don't know what to say. They struggle because their body believes that a boundary equals danger. We've been conditioned that way. I hate conditioning, don't you? For the birds. Let the birds go have the conditionedness. What? I'm making up words now. So maybe in your past when you said no, you got punished. This could be childhood. This could be previous relationship, whatever. Maybe you got guilt tripped. I'm all too familiar with the guilt trippings. Maybe you got iced out, the silent treatment or the straight rage, which we know a lot of narcissists do serve as a lovely punishment. Or you got that fine.

(02:26)
Do whatever you want. Energy where you're like, "Oh, great. What does that mean? That doesn't really mean fine." Yeah. So your nervous system learned. If I have needs, I lose connection. Let that sink in. We've been conditioned. If I have needs, I lose the connection, the connection you hope to have with somebody. So let me give you a reframe that changes everything. Okay? Hear me out. Maybe get a little notepad, write it down on a little post-it. A boundary isn't a demand. Okay? It's not trying to control someone else. A boundary is simply what you will do to keep yourself safe. And don't we? We all deserve safety. Can I get a what, what? Yes. We all deserve safety. So a boundary is just what you will do to keep yourself safe. It doesn't have to be about controlling somebody else. It's about what you're doing for you.

(03:32)
So it's not, you need to respect me. It's, if you speak that way to me, I will end the conversation. It's not you need to stop texting me at night. It's, "Hey, after 7:00 PM, I can't respond or I won't be responding." Okay? It's not, "You need to understand why I feel this way." It's, "I don't need you to understand. I need you to stop.

(04:07)
I don't need you to understand." So here's a simple three part boundary that works even with those difficult people. Okay? So the decision, number one, is I'm not available for this. It's the decision. Number two is the limit. This looks like I will not continue this conversation if it becomes disrespectful. So you've decided and you're setting a limit and then the follow through. If it happens again, I'm going to hang up, I'm going to leave, I'm going to mute you physically. No, I'm just kidding. Or ending this. That could be a relationship if it gets to that point. So going through them again, the decision, the limit, and then the follow through. And the magic isn't just in the words, it's in you doing it. I always say with my clients, you've got to stick to your word. You've got to be consistent. Okay? So let's talk about the part nobody prepares you for, which is the guilt wave.

(05:17)
We so fun because guilt isn't, it's not proof you're doing something wrong. It's proof you're doing something new. So that guilt, it's like a discomfort. So it can be like a withdrawal. You're detoxing from being the version of you that was easy to control. Remember her?

(05:42)
Right? And still might have some strings attached to her. So pulling away from that, it might feel wrong and uncomfortable, right? And you've been conditioned to feel guilty for not doing everything the narcissists want, being at their beck and call, right? All of that. So when this guilt shows up, I want you to say, "This discomfort is the cost of my freedom." This discomfort is the cost of my freedom. You want to be free, you're going to have to get a little uncomfortable because you weren't free, so you're not going to feel comfortable with freedom right away. It sucks. That's kind of how it works. That's why you work with a therapist or a coach, somatic healer, like yours truly somebody who gets narcissism and somebody who can help support you through the transition of being not free to finding that freedom and being able to live comfortably in that freedom.

(06:53)
It's a little layered, but you can do it. I promise. Okay? And then you breathe. This discomfort, this is what you should write down if anything, this episode. This discomfort is the cost of my freedom. You want freedom? You getting it, baby. All right? So here's your Thrivent five little boundary practice today. Okay? I want you to pick one sentence and practice it out loud five times. Out loud. Yes. I know. It's awkward. I'm an awkward lady. Welcome. Welcome to Christie Jade. We're going to do it anyway. So you can choose one of these.

(07:34)
No, that doesn't work for me. I'm not available for that. I'm going to think about it and get back to you. I'm not discussing this. If this continues, I'm ending the conversation. Okay? Those are some good, solid examples of boundary setting. And our goal isn't to sound nice. And I don't mean that like our goal is to sound mean either, right? But it's just to sound certain because when a narcissist smells the wobbly bobbly that you've been, the uncertainty that you have, the lack of confidence, when they smell that, they know that boundary's bullshit and you're not going to hold to it. You've got to first talk to yourself in the mirror, telling yourself these things, prep in, and then say them in whatever situation you need to this week, I'm not discussing this. You don't have to be mean. You don't have to be nice.

(08:38)
You be neutral. Don't get your emotions involved. That's a big part of the Gray Rock method. Go check out that episode of mine if you haven't checked it out. Gray Rock Method is huge here. And this is an example of it. It's a boundary, but it's also not taking the bait, not getting emotional, keeping it simple and clear. And firm, you don't have to be mean. We're not here yelling at people. We're not getting all lamped up. Very, very, excuse me, very calm, very simple. We're not adding anything to these sentences. We're saying, "I'm not available for that, " or, "I'm not discussing this. " Or, and I've used this one myself, plenty. If this continues, I'm going to have to end the conversation. I can even stick and I love you in there. If this is someone in your family, a family member, look, I love you, but if this continues, I'm going to have to hang up the phone.

(09:37)
That's it. Not me, not nice, just certain. The uncertainty, it invites the negotiation and we're not here for that. We've got to get away from negotiating with a narcissist. It's awful. Certainty ends that discussion. You're just saying, "This is it. These are the facts." Okay. And here's the little mic drop of the ep. All right? I love this and I've said this on here before, but I'm going to say it again. The people who benefit most from you having no boundaries will call you selfish when you finally get some.

(10:18)
They don't like you not having boundaries because it doesn't benefit them anymore, right? Healthy people respect your boundaries. Unhealthy, toxic, narcissists, whatever, abusers, manipulators, they're not going to like your boundaries and they'll flip it on you, call you selfish, you're cold, or demanding. Let them, let them. Okay? Your peace is not up for debate anymore. All right? So if you want support actually holding boundaries without spiraling, check the links in the show notes. There's all the fun little ways to work with me and there's a boundaries course. If you're into courses and you can come hang out with me and other women like you in my Facebook community, that is private. You have to answer some questions to get in there because I want to keep it a safe space. So yes, we're going to make sure you're a real human and all of that good stuff.

(11:18)
So it's just a couple questions and then you can join the community and we can have discussions in there. Meet like- minded people. And remember, keep that chin up. Let's do a little affirmation action to close this out. All right, repeat after me.

(11:37)
I am amazing at setting boundaries. My peace is not up for debate because I'm a queen. Yeah, you are. Yes, you are. All right. So just a reminder, Tuesday episodes are my longer episodes and whatever topic they are, the following Thursdays are the Thrive in Fives where we do these shorter episodes to kind of support those Tuesday episodes with a little somatic fun or like we did here today, maybe some scripts, just like quick little tips on Thursdays. So definitely do not forget to follow me on whatever platform you're on, whatever podcast platform you're on. Find the follow button and follow so you get notifications.This is like some good stuff we're doing here and it's not like a one-time job, right? This is ongoing maintenance. You are a car that is healing and getting fixed up. You're not broken, but you know what I mean.

(12:47)
And so what you consume really helps you. So if you're trying to heal, the more of this you consume, the more tips you get every week. It's like accountability for yourself. So definitely follow me. Other helpful podcasts. Make sure the stuff you're pulling in is healthy, healthy, peaceful stuff that can help you. Okay? So don't forget to follow. And I will see you on Tuesday for our next episode. Love you, bye.

If you’re trying to set boundaries with a narcissist and it keeps turning into an argument, you’re not doing it wrong — you’re just dealing with someone who treats your boundary like a debate.

In this episode, I’m breaking down why explaining yourself often makes things worse with toxic people, how over-explaining becomes emotional ammunition, and what to say instead so your boundary is short, clear, and unshakable.

You’ll learn how to stop trying to be understood by someone committed to misunderstanding you — and start protecting your peace in a way that actually works.

Your Next Step in Healing
If you’re ready to stop over-explaining, hold the line without guilt, and build boundaries that actually stick, coaching is where we do this together in real life — with real scripts, real support, and real nervous system safety.

✨ 3-Month Coaching Container
Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

✨ 6-Month Coaching Container
Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

✨ 12-Month Coaching Container
Long-term mentorship and steady support while you rebuild your identity, raise your standards, and create a life that finally feels like yours.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources
✨ Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free): https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
✨ Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts: https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/
✨ Empowered Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
✨ Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Contact
[email protected]

Coming Up Next
More tools for high-conflict communication, protecting your peace, and staying grounded when toxic people push back.

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Where did I go? I can't see myself. All right, there we go. Hello people, Queens, hope you are doing very well and we're getting into the new year now. It's kind of a crazy place out here in the United States. I'll put a pin on that one and we'll talk about the narcissists of the world. All right, we're going to talk about boundaries today. All right. So if you keep trying to explain your boundary in the perfect way, hoping they'll finally get it, this episode is your wake up call because with a narcissist, more explanation doesn't create more understanding. It actually creates more ammunition. So today I will break down why explaining yourself actually backfires and exactly what to say instead.

(00:54)
Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen. This one's for you. All right. So welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. I'm Christie Jade. And today we're going to talk about one of the biggest traps women fall into when they're trying to set boundaries with a narcissist. Explaining, overexplaining, clarifying, defending, and oh, the favorite justifying. So basically giving the full TED Talk to someone who already ... He's decided, she or he has decided to misunderstand you. So why explaining yourself actually makes it work? Worse. So what most women believe, if I can just say it the right way, they'll respect it. But with a narcissist, boundaries are not treated like information. They're almost treated like a challenge. So when you explain, they don't hear, "Oh, she's communicating.

(02:09)
How lovely." No. They hear, "Oh, good. Time for a negotiation," and they love a good negotiation, don't they? Or even worse, they may think, "Oh, good. A list of the exact emotional buttons to push for this specific individual." You're kind of giving yourself away. So the difference between healthy people and narcissists with a healthy person, an explanation leads to understanding. Clarity leads to connection. A boundary leads to adjusting things in the relationship, right? But with a narcissist, the explanation leads to a debate. Have you had that one happen? Yeah, me too. Clarity leads to them finding loopholes and a boundary leads to punishment. They don't like boundaries, right? So they are going to do what a narcissist loves to do, which is punish anybody who goes against what they want 100%, which when you set a boundary, that's you saying, "I'm not going to just throw myself at everything you tell me to do your way or the highway," and they don't like that.

(03:28)
So if you've been feeling like, no matter what I say, it turns into a fight, you're not failing, right? It's not you. You're just using healthy communication to what? An unsafe person.

(03:43)
So you are trying to do it the right way. Setting healthy boundaries with a healthy person leads to healthy results. But when you are trying to set healthy boundaries with an unhealthy person, an unsafe person, you don't have those same results, unfortunately. So here are the boundary phrases that can shut it down. So when you're dealing with a narcissist or someone who's toxic, your boundary has to be short, calm, and closed. Okay? So here's three scripts you can use right away. One, that doesn't work for me. No extra details, no defense, no overexplaining, no justifying. That doesn't work for me. It's closed. The end is closed. Doesn't work. We don't need to go in all the nitty-gritty of why and how. Okay? Number two, I'm not available for that. Not rude, not emotional, just final. I'm not available for that. You don't have to say it's seething.

(04:50)
You don't have to have a bite to it. I know we like to do that because we're so angry sometimes, right? Don't take the bait. They love a good reaction. I'm not available for that. And number three, this is one of my favorite, personal favorites. I've made my decision. This one is like queen energy, prayer, right? I've made my decision. There's no wiggle room in this. You don't say that. I'm just saying this is so you know this is your truth. This is something you're stating and it's just a fact. You have made your decision and you're owning that power. And if they push, you repeat that same sentence again. I just had this conversation with one of my clients last week. She said, "Well, I said this. " And he kept pushing. I said, "You repeat it. You repeat it again?" And then you get out.

(05:44)
I mean, if you're on the phone, they were on the phone. So let's say you're saying, "I've made my decision." And he says, "Well, but I really want another chance. And what if we, can we just meet up for just hear me out for five minutes? I've made my decision." Blah, blah. After that, after the second one, I'm out. You want to give it a third for whatever reason you can, don't do more than three. I'd say two, and then you're out and say, "I need to go now." That's it. It's not rude. They're being rude by pushing your boundaries when you're trying to set boundaries. So repetition can be the actual boundary. So what not to say, even though if it's tempting, and this is the part that can keep you trapped in this cycle with boundary pushers. I'm just trying to help you understand, trying to understand your boundary.

(06:40)
These are grown people. They get it. They don't want to get it. You just have to repeat it. Or I feel like you're misunderstanding me because guess what? We hate to be misunderstood. If I could jump through the screen or your little earbuds, that'd be creepy and give you just a hug because this part, man, I can still feel that feeling of just so not wanting to be misunderstood, like the trigger of that, that visceral response when you have been affected by a narcissist in such a deep way that being misunderstood is like this fear that can play out in other parts of your life, but especially with this narcissist, let's say you're co-parenting or it's your parent, and this is someone who has already pushed that sensitive spot over and over again, maybe created it in you, right?

(07:36)
That being misunderstood feeling sucks. So I get it. And we try to help them understand us because we can't stand to be looked at how they say they're viewing us, made out to be the bad person, made out to be a person who doesn't care or isn't ... They'll flip it almost like because you're setting a boundary, you're cold and hard and you're not flexible and you're not willing to do this, right? They'll mind F you. So you feel like you need to explain, "Well, no, it's not that. I just write no explaining anymore." And this is a transition, right? This is why we do the one-on-one work to not just get the coaching with me, but also the somatic healing that starts from the body. And that's where you can actually really feel those shifts where it will become comfortable organically through those somatic healing work where you get to feel okay saying nothing, not having to explain yourself, right?

(08:41)
Not having to say the next one is, "Let me explain just one more time. Let me explain." No, you're going to get real comfortable with not having to explain shit, okay? So that's the doorway back to chaos. The overexplaining, they know they have you then. That's what they want. They want the control. And when you explain yourself, you justify yourself, you beg for them to just hear you out, to understand you. That is all exactly what they want and it shows that you have lost power and you're a queen, so we're going to get our power back. So the secret, boundaries aren't about convincing. There's no convincing. You're just setting them. What they do with that is up to them, right? Boundaries are not this presentation. They're a position. And the moment you stop trying to be understood by someone committed to misunderstanding you, they're committed to it.

(09:42)
They are. And they're not really ... It's a very complex thing, and we go into that more in my one-on-one work, but they're committed to at least putting a front of misunderstanding you, even if they do understand you. They're fabulous at that. But you get your power back then when you stop trying to be understood. So if you are setting boundaries with a narcissist, explaining invites negotiation, and then the negotiation invites the manipulation, which you know they do. And short and final, those little examples I gave you, that is what protects your peace, and that's the goal here. Boundaries are for your protection and for your peace. So next time you feel the urge to write the paragraph on email or text, say this instead. "That doesn't work for me. I'm not available for that or I've made my decision and breathe and it feels powerful.

(10:53)
It's very empowering. And the more you do it, the more natural it feels and mixed with the somatic healing, girl, girl, you're on fire. This girl is on fire. "Remember that one? All right. So if you do want help setting boundaries without guilt, without the spiraling, without getting pulled back into the fight, you have options. I have Empowered Boundaries course, which is awesome. That's self-paced. If you want something self-paced, it is 10 videos. They drip out once a week for you and you have them for life. Or if you want to do that customized healing journey that is longer, very transformational. And we have a Zoom call once a week that's one-on-one with yours truly. And that's where you get to say," I'm in this specific situation. Obviously I'm teaching how to set boundaries, and we're also doing the somatic work on top of it.

(11:55)
"So it is double the fun, double the power. So that's always in my show notes, the ways to work with me, including the boundaries course. There is a freebie boundaries pocket guide. If you haven't got that, that's in there. And then my three, six, and 12 month options for working one-on-one with me. That's like, you want the pow-pow boo-dow journey of healing. You know what I mean? All right. So check the links in the show notes and I will help you hold the line and keep the peace with your boundaries, right?

(12:36)
That's about it. Anything else? I'm trying to think. I have no major updates. Oh, I did start acupuncture. I mentioned that last week that I was going to do it, I believe, right? It was the night before. Yeah. So I did that. First of all, crazy results. My feminine life every month is absolutely horrendous. It's been like that kind of my whole life. And then I went through a leap procedure, my pre-cancer cells, my cervix. This is so fun and TMI, by the way. Queen's talk. But I'm so impressed with what happened. So I got acupuncture.

(13:18)
She was just kind of rebalancing my stuff. I don't think there was a specific thing for the monthly, though she knew about it. I'm going to ask her tomorrow I'm going back. But though my period was still not light, I'll say that. I'm trying to be a little not gross about this. The cramps were almost nonexistent. And I'm telling you guys, if you knew the pain I go through every month, that's insane. I was waiting, waiting. I'm like, "What's happening? "Because it was getting heavier and heavier. And I'm like, " Where's the pain? "Because usually as it gets heavier, it gets worse and worse, the pain, right? It was crazy to the point I wasn't even taking my Tylenol. I can't take Advil, which sucks. I wasn't taking my Tylenol. I slept through the night. Usually I have to set an alarm in the middle of the night for two, three nights to help with the pain even overnight, because I'll wake up in pain.

(14:19)
That's how bad it is. And I didn't have to take it overnight. In the morning, once there was a slight cramp, it was crazy. So I don't know what freaking magic happened in only one session. I wasn't expecting it. It's not even like placebo, which that would take a lot of placebo effect to not feel the cramps I feel, but I wasn't even expecting that at all because it was more of just like a balance. And they say it takes multiple sessions to improve your period, but she didn't even mention working on my period. So I think just the rebalance, something happened and that's it. So that's the update on acupuncture. If you've ever done it, let me know. You can even email me. I always have my email in the show notes, fearsmamase@gmail. You can write me your experience, good or bad. I'd love to hear it.

(15:23)
And what else? These boundaries, they're your weapon. They're your weapon and they are how to get your power back and you deserve that. So if you have any questions ever, email me, please join my Facebook group. I know I have some people waiting in there I have to approve. I go through and look at every single person's to make sure it's safe for everyone. So sometimes there's a little delay. I'm sorry if you applied to get in there or submitted your thing and it's not approved yet. I was a very busy lady this weekend. We had a little holiday weekend and happy MLK day, by the way. And so I was not working this weekend and Monday because it was a long weekend and I just have not been in there. It's been a busy time. So I will try to approve those tomorrow. But if you are not in that group, go check it out.

(16:18)
It's a private Facebook group, women like you, and chat it up in there. Chat it on up with your fellow ladies. Let me make sure. Oh my gosh. Can you imagine if this wasn't recording? Okay. I just looked at my screen. By the way, if you don't know, I'm also on YouTube. So that's why I say looking at the screen, this is recorded video. You can see all the fun behind me. My husband's weird movie. What are they? Movie posters. I think there's some Star Wars back there. Got little my daughter's little stuffed animal, squish mellow looking thing. All the fun. And my pink, fuzzy microphone. And I don't have a stitch of makeup on today, which I rarely get on camera like this, but oh well. Oh, I got my hair done this weekend, actually. Look at that. I got it chopped off. I cut it right below my shoulder and it's a little darker for the winter.

(17:20)
But yeah, I have no makeup on. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love makeup. Do you guys love makeup? I love it. I don't like to think I need it. I mean, we all could use it sometimes. It helps me a little bit, but I just like it. It's fun. I like a little color in my face too. I'm pasty. I'm a pasty queen. All right. Well, now that I'm rambling, I guess it's time to go. That's my cue. But I hope you all have a beautiful day. Let's end with some I am affirmations. All right. Inhale through the nose and exhale, hand to heart or wherever. Repeat after me. I am great at creating boundaries. I no longer take the bait because I'm a queen. Yes, queen. Yes. I love it. All right. I will see you in Thursday's episode. We will do a little somatic short thrive in five.

(18:30)
That's Thursday. So as always, Tuesdays are the longer episodes. Thursdays are the shorter little bites of somatic healing or whatever. Some little fun that match up with Tuesday's theme, and I will catch you in the next episode. Love you.

I am not feeling too hot so reposting an oldie but goodie! Hope you enjoy it!

Episode Description (Show Notes):
You left… but you still feel hooked.
You blocked them… but you still think about them.
You know they were toxic… so why does part of you miss them?

Welcome to the trauma bond.

In this episode, Christy breaks down:
What a trauma bond really is
Why you feel addicted to someone who hurt you

The exact steps to finally unhook and come back to YOU

If you’ve ever felt confused, ashamed, or obsessed after narcissistic abuse—this is your wake-up call (and your soft place to land). 💕

Free Gift: The Boundaries Pocket Guide
Want to stop second-guessing yourself and finally set boundaries that stick without the guilt spiral?
Download Christy’s free Boundaries Pocket Guide — designed to help you reclaim your peace and protect your power after narcissistic abuse.
Grab it here → https://christyjade.kit.com/ce79ea9250

Ready to Go Deeper in Your Healing?
Whether you’re newly out or years into recovery, support changes everything.
Here are 3 powerful ways to work with Christy:

Reclaiming You: 1:1 Clarity & Intake Session
This 90-minute session is for the woman who’s serious about healing and wants to explore working together in a deeper way. It’s not designed as a one-off quick fix—but rather a powerful first step for those considering the monthly or 3-month coaching containers. If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure which path to take next, this session is for you.
Book here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/

1-Month Private Coaching Container
Includes weekly coaching, somatic tools, and in-between support to help you regulate, reset, and start rebuilding trust with yourself.
Apply here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/

3-Month Transformational Coaching Package
This is the most supportive and spacious container I offer. We’ll dive deep into emotional healing, nervous system support, boundary work, and personal empowerment so you can rise fully in your peace and power.
Learn more: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

 Related Episodes You’ll Love:
Still Attached to the Narcissist? This Deep Cord Cutting Practice Can Help
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-attached-to-the-narcissist-this-deep-cord/id1662241353?i=1000708306120

Thrive in 5: Still Energetically Tied to the Narcissist? Cut the Cord With This Quick Practice
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-energetically-tied-to-the-narcissist-cut-the/id1662241353?i=1000706789155

Stay Connected:
email: [email protected]

Follow Christy on Instagram →

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

So you block them, you want no contact, whatever it is, they're toxic. So why does part of you still miss them or just obsess over them? Why do you feel guilty or worse even tempted to go back? I've been getting some messages lately with listeners who really are trying to stay away and out of the life and not take the bait, but it is hard for them. So let's go into it. If you've ever felt like you're addicted to the narcissist, this episode is for you. We're talking about the trauma bond, what it is, why it's so hard to break, and how to finally unhook and come back to you because you're the queen, right?

(00:46)
Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up.

(01:44)
Hello, beautiful soul. Welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast where we were clean that peace, protect our power, and rebuild self-trust after narcissistic abuse. I'm Christy Jade, and today we are going deep into something most survivors wrestle with. I'd probably say all of them, even after they leave it is the trauma bond. That soul tie feeling, the obsessive loop that goes round and round in your mind, that craving for someone you know is harmful. And we can get shame about this, right? Kick that shit to the curb. We don't have time for your shame. Alright? So you're not crazy. You are trauma bonded and we're going to talk about it. So what is a trauma bond? It is a psychological and physiological attachment. These are real things, okay? Science that forms through repeated cycles of abuse and the intermittent reinforcement. So basically they hurt you.

(02:49)
They love bomb you, so you feel relief, right? Then what do they do? They pull away again. It's like, yo-yo, right? And your nervous system actually does become addicted to this cycle. The ups and downs, it becomes attached to it. It's the cycle. It's familiar, and you want that relief, right? Even after they hurt you, you're waiting, okay, well, I'm just holding onto that high. So kind of like a slot machine. You don't really know what you're going to get each day. You keep pulling the lever, hoping this time they're going to love you, right? They're going to treat you right? You're going to change them. Maybe this is all stuff I've heard about in my own life, of course, and then heard from you guys and working with clients. So the more unpredictable the behavior, the stronger bond.

(03:48)
That's why narcissists are masters at trauma bonding you so signs that you're still hooked even after going no contact or low contact. These trauma bonds can still linger. So here's some signs to know if you are still bonded, you miss them more than you want to admit. You might keep it on the dl. You fantasize them about them changing. Maybe even after you are broken up completely could be after you're divorced, these things happen, right? You doubt yourself or feel guilty for leaving. You have those moments. Maybe it's not all the time you feel anxious, empty or depressed without them. And again, this can be one or all of these. You don't have to necessarily feel all of these, but these are different versions. You minimize what they did. Oh, it wasn't that bad, right? Or look, we had good times though, right? That's minimizing the bad too.

(04:51)
Or you feel pulled to contact them even when you know it's basically self-sabotage. You still have that pull. This isn't weakness. And I know we can feel weak when we're in this, I get it, but it's a physiological, psychological and emotional loop. And until you interrupt it, it's going to keep looping. So why is it so hard to break? We're going to break down why you're still hooked. Even when your logical mind, you know that guy, there's like on the left shoulder, his logic says run. There is brain chemistry involved in this. So take a sigh of relief, maybe hug yourself. Like, Hey, this is actually a real condition in my brain.

(05:39)
So give yourself grace, please. So each high you got after a discard or mistreatment abuse, the hoover, the love bomb. That's the cycle. Discard Hoover love bomb released dopamine. You literally became chemically addicted to those tiny hits of validation and relief. And it's a cycle of knowing, oh, well, you know the pattern. You've been around this person long enough to know what the pattern is. So that can look like, oh, there's this abuse. I know what comes after it. That dopamine hit, it's going to feel better after. So I'm going to stick around for that dopamine. Okay?

(06:26)
Also, you attach during crisis. So that's another reason you are hooked, right? So you brain bonded during trauma. This is a primal survival strategy. Primal. It says stay close to danger so you can control it. And this is a big one in my past. Predict it. You feel like, okay, at least I know I can predict what's going to happen. Spoiler, you cannot control it, but your brain keeps trying. It wants to, which makes sense. And then there's the low self-worth equals an easier hook. So another reason it's hard to break when someone makes you feel like only they can love you the way they love you. Or maybe you're not worthy of love, right? These abusers often will make you feel like shit, knock you down, crush any confidence you have so they can have control over you and hook you more, right? It can tap into your childhood wounds, unmet needs you had, whether it was childhood are grown and fears, just even based on fears that you can lower your self-worth. They become your source of value. Really, you're dependent on them in those dopamine hits and those love bombs to feel valuable. So when they pull away, you panic because your sense of self, which is not from this point on, that's not going to be our sense of self anymore. We're going to do this work, but because that sense of self is tied to them. So how do you break free? That's all Great. Christie, how do you break free?

(08:13)
Let's flip the script here, Rick. Rick, here's how you start cutting the cord for real. First, label it as trauma bond. Naming it really out loud. Say it out loud. I'm a big advocate of saying shit out loud. Name it. This is trauma bond. It is not love. It is not a soulmate. It is a trauma bond. Say it. This is a trauma bond. Go ahead, queen. And then we're going to rename it from love toon. So that is going to reframe it in your mind and you might have to repeat that. You can repeat as much as you want. Put it on a beautiful old sticky note on your mirror. Number two, here we are my favorite going no contact. I know it's not as easy as it is for some as others, and some situations are hard to do. Do that in obviously co-parenting littles, but as limited as possible.

(09:17)
Okay? So that's blocking on socials. Even if you just check their page or you're not following them necessarily, no, every exposure is another dopamine hit. Okay? Think about it. I want you to suck that up. Why do you check their socials? It's actually a dopamine hit. It's reinforcing your cycle of what the shitty shit and the dopamine hit. We want to get rid of the cycle. Cold Turkey is hard, but it is clean. We love a good clean break and it works faster than the slow trying to pull away from that dopamine ripping off the bandaid. And by the way, if you need help doing this and support, that's what I'm here for. So check out the ways to work with me in my show notes always there and my emails there. If you have any questions about what I think you need, you can always email me too.

(10:14)
Alright. Number three, flood your nervous system with safety. We can't think our way out of this. This is a body thing. This is where the somatic work comes in. And I do somatic work with most of my clients. We need to feel safe in our bodies. That's where all of the somatic energy healing comes. So this, and it's like, oh, somatic. We're not going to get crazy going into somatic healing today. I'm going to give you a few examples of what you can do. Getting a walk in nature, grounding with your bare feet. Yes, go hippie on me. Okay, orienting practice. I think I've talked about this one, but you're looking around, you're naming what you see often. I will tell myself, prompt myself, okay, find four aqua things in the room. Aqua is a little harder than red, right? So I like a little challenge or find four different patterns.

(11:10)
Find what are two smells I can smell? What are three sounds? I can hear the birds chirping, right? The air filter that's blowing the TV two rooms away. It makes you present. Breath work, even cold water. I don't mess with cold water. I don't care. I don't care how much work I need. I'm never doing the cold water plunge. Okay? But you do, you boo boo. So you calm your body, you clear your mind. And yes, those might be momentary, but hey, they all add up. If you want to do deeper work, hit me up. Number four, rewire the belief that you need them. Let's say it for the people in the back, in the way, way back, rewire the belief that you need them. Start affirming. Have you heard of affirmations? Yeah. Love shouldn't hurt.

(12:04)
And maybe save this episode or write these down. You can repeat 'em. Love shouldn't hurt. I don't chase chaos. I choose peace. And this one, okay, I was taught conditioned that this was love. It is not. And I get to learn a new way, the real way, by the way. So you're not just detoxing from them. I'm going to repeat this. I really feel this in my heart that you need to hear it. You're not just detoxing from them. You're detoxing from the belief that love equals pain. Okay? You're so used to that. It was just part of the bargain, part of the deal. No, no ma'am.

(13:04)
So detox from that belief, and you can keep those affirmations so you don't really miss them. I know it feels like that. You miss the illusion, the validation, the love bombing, the dopamine, the feeling special when they would put you in those moments. And the good news is you can give yourself everything you were chasing in them. Do you know that? Work with me, queen. You're going to be a confident as queen. Upgrade. We're upgrading our confidence here. If this episode hit home, go share it. Is there someone else who could use this that that's feeling hooked? Okay, save it. Let's normalize this part of the healing journey, because shame has no seat at our table or our throne, whatever you want to call it. If you want more help unwinding trauma from your nervous system, let's grab your intake call and start our journey.

(14:11)
The intake call, it's about an hour and a half, an hour to an hour and a half, depending how far we go in your story. It's really me getting a background. We usually have time to do a little somatic exercise together, and then that sets you up and sets me up with the information so that we can start our really deep work together, like lasting work. And I say that because Somatic Healing was a life changer for me. I did therapy for years. I love therapy. I love all the shit, but the somatic healing, and I do both. We do a little therapy, but we also, we really focus on feeling better and safe in the body too, right? Because the body remembers everything. That's where it sits. That's where we upset. Stomach, stress, shoulders, all these symptoms that we get can be so related to our nervous system being so jacked up from all the years of dealing with this crap, right?

(15:18)
Yeah. We work on the brain stuff too, the mind stuff. How to deal with the narcs in your life if you're still involved with them at all that. But we do both so that you can have a complete healing and really a healing that not just the foundation, but then afterwards you actually get to thrive, right? You're getting this, I almost picture it like a, what's it? A vault? You've run what? Jump on that vault and then you're limitless. You might feel like that's not even attainable right now. So I won't go too deep into that. I know it can feel far away, but I'm telling you, I've been there. I have gone through a lot of shit in my life and I am an amazing peace bubble in my life. I'm unshakeable. I know my truth. I don't take the bait of any freaking narcissist anymore.

(16:16)
I have way more confidence and self-trust. Even more important than confidence is my self trust. You can get there. If I can get there, you can get there. Okay? So if you're interested in doing this work, one-on-one links are in the show notes or email me. Alright? Felt some passion up in here, but you are not alone. You're not broken. You're finally freeing yourself, right? This was a trauma bond and we're taking the scissors and we're cutting them, by the way. Ooh. I also want you to go in the show notes. There's also an energetic cord cutting episode I have. I think I actually have two of 'em. There's a longer one and a Thrive in five. If you don't know, I do thrive in fives on Thursdays. They're five minutes around. Five minutes. I'm chatty. So maybe 10 somatic healing exercises every single Thursday to get that hands-on ship. Okay? So I'll put those two episodes in the show notes as well. All right, see you in the next step. Love you. Bye.

Highly sensitive people don’t heal by pushing harder, thinking more positively, or forcing themselves to “move on.” If you’ve done the therapy, gained the insight, and understand what happened — but your body still feels tense, on edge, or exhausted — this episode explains why.

In this episode, we talk about why traditional healing advice often fails highly sensitive people, what healing actually means for a sensitive nervous system, and how safety — not mindset — is the missing piece. You’ll learn why insight alone isn’t enough, how your body responds differently than your mind, and what real, sustainable healing looks like when you stop overriding yourself.

This episode is especially for you if you’ve ever thought, “I know better… so why do I still feel like this?”

Your Next Step in Healing

If you’re highly sensitive and want support learning how to heal without pushing, forcing, or abandoning yourself, this is exactly the work I do with my clients.

✨ 3-Month Coaching Container
Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

✨ 6-Month Coaching Container
Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

• Free Facebook Community:
00:00):

Hello, queens. It's Christie. If you are a highly sensitive person like myself and you've done all the things, the therapy, the journaling, understanding, even that alone, we're good at that, aren't we? But your body still feels tense on edge. You get the visceral reactions and you get the mind spins, right? This episode is for you. Yay. So stay tuned here. Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen. This one's for you. But highly sensitive people, they don't get better by pushing harder. They heal by learning how to feel safe in their bodies, our bodies, because I'm one of them. And when this happens, and that's why I'm so into somatic healing, but when it happens from the body, that is when the transformations truly take place.

(01:09)
So welcome back to the podcast. If you are a follower of mine, I think I've told this story how I did acupuncture years ago. I'll tell it again, just in case. But I did acupunctures in my 20s. I am now 45, yes, as many, probably about 20 years ago, almost exactly. And I did it once. I was so excited to do it too. And I had a not great reaction.

(01:38)
I have been told since then I should have just stuck with it to move it through. But I was like, "Hell no." Because I got a fever and my mono resurfaced from the year before, who gets mono as a 20 ... Oh, I was 28 and then it came back at 29. So that's how old I was. So 28 to 29. So I was 29 and mono crept back into my life. That was just crazy. But I guess people say, "Oh, they went too fast or whatever." I don't know. I was like, "F that, never want to do it again." But I have heard so many amazing things and you know I'm such a big proponent of healing through the body and my body reacts so well. I do feel like some people are more in tune to body healing. I don't know if it's openness or, I don't know, physiology or what, but I know I react very well to yoga, to somatic healing, to breathwork, to all the energy body healings.

(02:41)
So it keeps flashing in me. You know you get nudges. So I've been getting the acupuncture nudge. Well, I got one months and months ago and I wrote to this local lady who has a good reputation and she was like, "Oh, I'm going to be out on leave, baby leave." So I was like, man, she was like, "Oh, this other person can do it. " And I was like, "Nope." Because when I get a nudge, I get specific nudges and it was toward her. I was like, "Nope, I don't want anyone else." So I just went la-da-da-da-da. And then the other day I got another nudge and was like, "Oh, I should see if she's back." And she's been back and there's also a sail and I was like, "Okay, God's going ding, ding-dong, get your needle on. " So needless to say, or needles to say, sorry, I had to, that was so bad.

(03:37)
I'm going to try acupuncture again tomorrow, pray for me. And for multiple things, there's so many things I could use it for. Just like nervous system regulation, but also my nerves will go to my stomach, so I can have very sensitive stomach, especially in high stress seasons of life. And I'm going through a remodel. So there we are. That's where we are with that one. And also TMI, but I'm an overshare. My monthly mayhem, I call it, my monthly period is pretty much torture. It's been for a very long time and we're going to give this a go and see if it helps because I can't take certain things or whatever. So I've heard it can help tremendously, so we're going to try it for a few things. And I have seasonal allergies and stuff. So if you have ever had acupuncture, I'd love you to come in the Facebook group and you can even message me in there or just post about it.

(04:42)
I'd love to hear your experience with it. All right. Now for the stuff that affects you in your life. Okay. So why does traditional healing advice fail oftentimes for highly sensitive people? First, most healing advice is very mind-based, right? Think positive, reframe the story, affirmations. Forgive. Move on. Understand your patterns. And here's the thing. Highly sensitive people are usually excellent at insight, right? You already understand what happened or you're learning it, right? A lot of times on the narcissistic podcasts and YouTube videos we're learning and light bulb clicks, you understand. You know why it affected you. You learned that. These are the first stages of after you've come through the other side of abuse and you might recognize the patterns. If understanding alone though, healed trauma, we'd all be done, right? We're like, "Oh yeah, okay, that makes sense. Now I can move on. " Wonderful.

(05:56)
Well, for especially, especially for ... I mean, it's hard enough with narcissistic situations, but especially for highly sensitive people, it doesn't usually work out that simply, right? So if you've ever thought, "Why do I still feel like this when I know better?" That is such a common thing that I have clients say to me weekly, I would say. There's one client at least a week that's like, "But I know better." Or like, "I know this in my mind, but why do I still feel it? " They're not syncing up. Nothing is wrong with you. You're not broken. Your nervous system just has not caught up to that insight, to what you know. You know it on a brain level, but your body is not there yet in catching up with that. So what does healing then actually mean for us highly sensitive people? It doesn't mean becoming numb or like bypassing or becoming detached or unaffected or drinking a whiskey.

(06:59)
Okay? I mean, you can, but it's not going to help. You're not here to get tougher or grow thicker skin. You may have people in your life in the past that have told you, "Oh, stop being so sunset of. Oh, tough it up." I got a lot to say about that. And you're not here to stop feeling deeply because it is a beautiful thing about you. So healing means this. You still heal, feel all these heels and feels you still feel, but your body no longer lives in defense mode. So you stop being overwhelmed with your own sensitivity, right? You're like learning to navigate that. You stop feeling hijacked by other people's emotions. I know you know about that life and you stop living on edge waiting for the next emotional hit.

(07:58)
Sensitivity is not the problem. Unsafety is that feeling of unsafe that can come with the sensitivity that arises, right? So what is the real block that not everybody talks about, except yours truly? Here's what I see all the time with my clients, highly sensitive women. You heal mentally long before you heal physically, right? So you might know you're safe, but you don't feel safe. You might have left the relationship, you're completely out, hopefully, but your body doesn't really embody that. It didn't get the memo clear in full yet, right? You've done therapy maybe, but you're still braced. You're still feeling the things that you're trying to get over or not feel or undo the damage, as some people say, right? Your shoulders can be tight, jaw clench, like I said, my stomach, so fun. And the nervous system as a whole is scanning for danger even in calm moments, even though you're out of maybe your daily mess that you were in.

(09:20)
I know we have to still deal with them, but often your body still is in this survival mode that it was in when it was actually in more danger and it's because your body doesn't respond to logic, it responds to safety. Until your nervous system feels safe, healing stays incomplete no matter how much insight you have, no matter how many affirmations ... And I'm a big proponent of all that stuff. I think together there's a beautiful toolbox of joy that can help us heal, right? But this somatic healing is so, so important for people like us. So how do we truly, truly heal regulation before reflection? So when the calm ... I can't talk. I didn't go to bed till like one in the morning last night, y'all. All right, let me try again. We calm the nervous system first, not after. Okay? Safety before processing.

(10:30)
So no deep emotional work while your body is feeling threatened. So that's why when I do my work with clients, you'll often hear me ask, "Where are we at today?" One client this week, I was like, "I don't think we're going to be doing the somatic work today. Let's just do some coaching." Maybe at the end we'll have a wind down, nice luxury moment, but we're not going to do that deeper work right now because of where she was mentally. So it's my job to judge that and I'm trauma informed, so I get to evaluate before proceeding with the work. So sometimes we'll talk more, sometimes we'll do more somatic healing, little mix of both. So that's really important in the process. And then gentle consistency over intensity. So either small daily practices, which are very small. I actually, one of my clients this week asked, "So should I be doing like this at home?" And I was like, "No." You can be doing little small meditations, you can do some breath work, but the somatic healing at this stage when you're first working with me, you're not able to evaluate in the way I am.

(11:56)
And it's good to have a third party there on the outside, especially when you are in those earlier phases where you're more raw. So definitely consistency, like in between sessions, gentle consistency. Not intense, not let's do this. I want to do it three times myself this week. No, ma'am, that's not going to end well. Okay? You have to be safe and permission to slow down. Healing actually accelerates when the pressure is removed. When you don't feel like, "Oh my God, I got to do this. I got to get through this. This is going too slow." I have a lot of clients coming to me. It's like, "It's so slow." And part of that is because you're putting a pressure on yourself for it to go fast. When you release that pressure, you find it will organically go faster. Oh, amazing. And you're not behind, right?

(12:52)
You're not doing it wrong and your pace is not the problem. Forcing yourself is that can actually hinder it. So we've talked about orienting. We'll do this little simple somatic practice, something you can do right now, simple, not too deep, just to have a little centering, right? If it feels okay, gently just look around the room you're in and let your eyes land on three things that feel neutral or pleasant. So I'm going to do mine. My eyes always go to the damn flamingo and I'm going to look. I see leopard print. I love leopard print and my daughter's cowboy hat that makes me laugh. So that's an example. You look at three things, no analyzing, no fixing, just noticing.

(14:00)
And as you do that, let your breath slow naturally. This is called orienting and it's very simple, right? And what it tells your nervous system is, I'm here, I'm safe, the danger is passed. So if you are in a spin out mode, this is a great thing to try to pull yourself out. I like to do this, to do this, to initiate just becoming present. And then I like to get up, get my shoes on, walk out of the house. And just even if I'm walking around just the cul-de-sac or if I can take a longer walk, getting out in nature, removing yourself, right? When you're stuck in a cycle, it's become present.

(14:55)
Do a little curtsy little, a little twirl, whatever makes you feel happy inside. But even just doing the orienting practice where you are, if you got to get back to work or something, if you work from home and you're having a moment, orient, find the three things. Don't think too hard. You're just kind of observing. Take some breaths and get back to what you need to do. So for highly sensitive people, healing happens when your body believes that message, right? The danger's passed. I'm safe. So it's almost like we're proving it by slowing things down, by looking at items, and you're looking around, right? That's part of the orienting is looking at your surroundings. It's showing there's nothing unsafe here. You can look every angle. You can whip that head around, girl. Check it out. Nothing dangerous.

(15:58)
Unless, unless you don't like leopard print, right? So your mind gets to see it. There's some proof. There's some present proof. Now, healing without overwhelm. So here's something you do need to hear. You do not have to relive everything to heal it. That is something some people, I don't want to say will go against, but some people really want to dig to every little nook and cranny. You don't have to do that to heal it. And this is proven within somatic healing. You don't have to reopen every wound. You don't have to push yourself past your capacity. It's not a race to heal.

(16:53)
And we heal better with softness, not force. So you're allowed to choose ease. It might be uncomfortable, you're not used to it. Get comfy with it. Choosing gentleness and you don't have to prove how strong you are or how far you've come. Those milestones will come, but don't force them. Okay? So healing doesn't make you less sensitive. It makes your sensitivity feel like a gift instead of a burden. Again, you are not broken, you were never broken. Your nervous system adapted brilliantly to what you live through. And now you get to teach it that life doesn't have to hurt anymore, that you are safe.

(17:48)
Okay? So if you want support, learning how to heal without overriding yourself, check the show notes for the next steps, whether it's the Boundaries Pocket Guide or working with me one-on-one. I have three different programs you can choose from and they are transformative, amazing, like I said, somatic and coaching together. And it's just my favorite thing in the world. So of course, I'm going to brag about it and tell you to sign up, woman. All right. So if this episode resonated, you're not alone. There's a bunch of us out there and join my Facebook community again so we can have some chatsies in there and yeah, try to engage in there, talk to each other. Feel free to make posts in there or post quotes. I love a good quote. Put a quote up there. I will approve it. And don't forget to follow my podcast if you're not following it.

(18:48)
So you get every single stinking podcast episode. Guys, this is not a one and done. This is ongoing, amazing work. This healing is actually ... There's just so much good in this type of somatic healing and these episodes. I give a lot of information on purpose. I know maybe not everyone can do one-on-one work, right? So following these really, really will help you. Every episode has something juicy to take home. Okay? So I will see you in the next one. Love you. Bye.