NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

Breaking the Trauma Bond: What Keeps You Hooked (And How to Finally Break Free)

Episode Description (Show Notes):
You left… but you still feel hooked.
You blocked them… but you still think about them.
You know they were toxic… so why does part of you miss them?

Welcome to the trauma bond.

In this episode, Christy breaks down:
What a trauma bond really is
Why you feel addicted to someone who hurt you

The exact steps to finally unhook and come back to YOU

If you’ve ever felt confused, ashamed, or obsessed after narcissistic abuse—this is your wake-up call (and your soft place to land). 💕

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 Related Episodes You’ll Love:
Still Attached to the Narcissist? This Deep Cord Cutting Practice Can Help
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-attached-to-the-narcissist-this-deep-cord/id1662241353?i=1000708306120

Thrive in 5: Still Energetically Tied to the Narcissist? Cut the Cord With This Quick Practice
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-energetically-tied-to-the-narcissist-cut-the/id1662241353?i=1000706789155

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TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

So you block them, you want no contact, whatever it is, they're toxic. So why does part of you still miss them or just obsess over them? Why do you feel guilty or worse even tempted to go back? I've been getting some messages lately with listeners who really are trying to stay away and out of the life and not take the bait, but it is hard for them. So let's go into it. If you've ever felt like you're addicted to the narcissist, this episode is for you. We're talking about the trauma bond, what it is, why it's so hard to break, and how to finally unhook and come back to you because you're the queen, right?

(00:46)
Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up.

(01:44)
Hello, beautiful soul. Welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast where we were clean that peace, protect our power, and rebuild self-trust after narcissistic abuse. I'm Christy Jade, and today we are going deep into something most survivors wrestle with. I'd probably say all of them, even after they leave it is the trauma bond. That soul tie feeling, the obsessive loop that goes round and round in your mind, that craving for someone you know is harmful. And we can get shame about this, right? Kick that shit to the curb. We don't have time for your shame. Alright? So you're not crazy. You are trauma bonded and we're going to talk about it. So what is a trauma bond? It is a psychological and physiological attachment. These are real things, okay? Science that forms through repeated cycles of abuse and the intermittent reinforcement. So basically they hurt you.

(02:49)
They love bomb you, so you feel relief, right? Then what do they do? They pull away again. It's like, yo-yo, right? And your nervous system actually does become addicted to this cycle. The ups and downs, it becomes attached to it. It's the cycle. It's familiar, and you want that relief, right? Even after they hurt you, you're waiting, okay, well, I'm just holding onto that high. So kind of like a slot machine. You don't really know what you're going to get each day. You keep pulling the lever, hoping this time they're going to love you, right? They're going to treat you right? You're going to change them. Maybe this is all stuff I've heard about in my own life, of course, and then heard from you guys and working with clients. So the more unpredictable the behavior, the stronger bond.

(03:48)
That's why narcissists are masters at trauma bonding you so signs that you're still hooked even after going no contact or low contact. These trauma bonds can still linger. So here's some signs to know if you are still bonded, you miss them more than you want to admit. You might keep it on the dl. You fantasize them about them changing. Maybe even after you are broken up completely could be after you're divorced, these things happen, right? You doubt yourself or feel guilty for leaving. You have those moments. Maybe it's not all the time you feel anxious, empty or depressed without them. And again, this can be one or all of these. You don't have to necessarily feel all of these, but these are different versions. You minimize what they did. Oh, it wasn't that bad, right? Or look, we had good times though, right? That's minimizing the bad too.

(04:51)
Or you feel pulled to contact them even when you know it's basically self-sabotage. You still have that pull. This isn't weakness. And I know we can feel weak when we're in this, I get it, but it's a physiological, psychological and emotional loop. And until you interrupt it, it's going to keep looping. So why is it so hard to break? We're going to break down why you're still hooked. Even when your logical mind, you know that guy, there's like on the left shoulder, his logic says run. There is brain chemistry involved in this. So take a sigh of relief, maybe hug yourself. Like, Hey, this is actually a real condition in my brain.

(05:39)
So give yourself grace, please. So each high you got after a discard or mistreatment abuse, the hoover, the love bomb. That's the cycle. Discard Hoover love bomb released dopamine. You literally became chemically addicted to those tiny hits of validation and relief. And it's a cycle of knowing, oh, well, you know the pattern. You've been around this person long enough to know what the pattern is. So that can look like, oh, there's this abuse. I know what comes after it. That dopamine hit, it's going to feel better after. So I'm going to stick around for that dopamine. Okay?

(06:26)
Also, you attach during crisis. So that's another reason you are hooked, right? So you brain bonded during trauma. This is a primal survival strategy. Primal. It says stay close to danger so you can control it. And this is a big one in my past. Predict it. You feel like, okay, at least I know I can predict what's going to happen. Spoiler, you cannot control it, but your brain keeps trying. It wants to, which makes sense. And then there's the low self-worth equals an easier hook. So another reason it's hard to break when someone makes you feel like only they can love you the way they love you. Or maybe you're not worthy of love, right? These abusers often will make you feel like shit, knock you down, crush any confidence you have so they can have control over you and hook you more, right? It can tap into your childhood wounds, unmet needs you had, whether it was childhood are grown and fears, just even based on fears that you can lower your self-worth. They become your source of value. Really, you're dependent on them in those dopamine hits and those love bombs to feel valuable. So when they pull away, you panic because your sense of self, which is not from this point on, that's not going to be our sense of self anymore. We're going to do this work, but because that sense of self is tied to them. So how do you break free? That's all Great. Christie, how do you break free?

(08:13)
Let's flip the script here, Rick. Rick, here's how you start cutting the cord for real. First, label it as trauma bond. Naming it really out loud. Say it out loud. I'm a big advocate of saying shit out loud. Name it. This is trauma bond. It is not love. It is not a soulmate. It is a trauma bond. Say it. This is a trauma bond. Go ahead, queen. And then we're going to rename it from love toon. So that is going to reframe it in your mind and you might have to repeat that. You can repeat as much as you want. Put it on a beautiful old sticky note on your mirror. Number two, here we are my favorite going no contact. I know it's not as easy as it is for some as others, and some situations are hard to do. Do that in obviously co-parenting littles, but as limited as possible.

(09:17)
Okay? So that's blocking on socials. Even if you just check their page or you're not following them necessarily, no, every exposure is another dopamine hit. Okay? Think about it. I want you to suck that up. Why do you check their socials? It's actually a dopamine hit. It's reinforcing your cycle of what the shitty shit and the dopamine hit. We want to get rid of the cycle. Cold Turkey is hard, but it is clean. We love a good clean break and it works faster than the slow trying to pull away from that dopamine ripping off the bandaid. And by the way, if you need help doing this and support, that's what I'm here for. So check out the ways to work with me in my show notes always there and my emails there. If you have any questions about what I think you need, you can always email me too.

(10:14)
Alright. Number three, flood your nervous system with safety. We can't think our way out of this. This is a body thing. This is where the somatic work comes in. And I do somatic work with most of my clients. We need to feel safe in our bodies. That's where all of the somatic energy healing comes. So this, and it's like, oh, somatic. We're not going to get crazy going into somatic healing today. I'm going to give you a few examples of what you can do. Getting a walk in nature, grounding with your bare feet. Yes, go hippie on me. Okay, orienting practice. I think I've talked about this one, but you're looking around, you're naming what you see often. I will tell myself, prompt myself, okay, find four aqua things in the room. Aqua is a little harder than red, right? So I like a little challenge or find four different patterns.

(11:10)
Find what are two smells I can smell? What are three sounds? I can hear the birds chirping, right? The air filter that's blowing the TV two rooms away. It makes you present. Breath work, even cold water. I don't mess with cold water. I don't care. I don't care how much work I need. I'm never doing the cold water plunge. Okay? But you do, you boo boo. So you calm your body, you clear your mind. And yes, those might be momentary, but hey, they all add up. If you want to do deeper work, hit me up. Number four, rewire the belief that you need them. Let's say it for the people in the back, in the way, way back, rewire the belief that you need them. Start affirming. Have you heard of affirmations? Yeah. Love shouldn't hurt.

(12:04)
And maybe save this episode or write these down. You can repeat 'em. Love shouldn't hurt. I don't chase chaos. I choose peace. And this one, okay, I was taught conditioned that this was love. It is not. And I get to learn a new way, the real way, by the way. So you're not just detoxing from them. I'm going to repeat this. I really feel this in my heart that you need to hear it. You're not just detoxing from them. You're detoxing from the belief that love equals pain. Okay? You're so used to that. It was just part of the bargain, part of the deal. No, no ma'am.

(13:04)
So detox from that belief, and you can keep those affirmations so you don't really miss them. I know it feels like that. You miss the illusion, the validation, the love bombing, the dopamine, the feeling special when they would put you in those moments. And the good news is you can give yourself everything you were chasing in them. Do you know that? Work with me, queen. You're going to be a confident as queen. Upgrade. We're upgrading our confidence here. If this episode hit home, go share it. Is there someone else who could use this that that's feeling hooked? Okay, save it. Let's normalize this part of the healing journey, because shame has no seat at our table or our throne, whatever you want to call it. If you want more help unwinding trauma from your nervous system, let's grab your intake call and start our journey.

(14:11)
The intake call, it's about an hour and a half, an hour to an hour and a half, depending how far we go in your story. It's really me getting a background. We usually have time to do a little somatic exercise together, and then that sets you up and sets me up with the information so that we can start our really deep work together, like lasting work. And I say that because Somatic Healing was a life changer for me. I did therapy for years. I love therapy. I love all the shit, but the somatic healing, and I do both. We do a little therapy, but we also, we really focus on feeling better and safe in the body too, right? Because the body remembers everything. That's where it sits. That's where we upset. Stomach, stress, shoulders, all these symptoms that we get can be so related to our nervous system being so jacked up from all the years of dealing with this crap, right?

(15:18)
Yeah. We work on the brain stuff too, the mind stuff. How to deal with the narcs in your life if you're still involved with them at all that. But we do both so that you can have a complete healing and really a healing that not just the foundation, but then afterwards you actually get to thrive, right? You're getting this, I almost picture it like a, what's it? A vault? You've run what? Jump on that vault and then you're limitless. You might feel like that's not even attainable right now. So I won't go too deep into that. I know it can feel far away, but I'm telling you, I've been there. I have gone through a lot of shit in my life and I am an amazing peace bubble in my life. I'm unshakeable. I know my truth. I don't take the bait of any freaking narcissist anymore.

(16:16)
I have way more confidence and self-trust. Even more important than confidence is my self trust. You can get there. If I can get there, you can get there. Okay? So if you're interested in doing this work, one-on-one links are in the show notes or email me. Alright? Felt some passion up in here, but you are not alone. You're not broken. You're finally freeing yourself, right? This was a trauma bond and we're taking the scissors and we're cutting them, by the way. Ooh. I also want you to go in the show notes. There's also an energetic cord cutting episode I have. I think I actually have two of 'em. There's a longer one and a Thrive in five. If you don't know, I do thrive in fives on Thursdays. They're five minutes around. Five minutes. I'm chatty. So maybe 10 somatic healing exercises every single Thursday to get that hands-on ship. Okay? So I'll put those two episodes in the show notes as well. All right, see you in the next step. Love you. Bye.

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Why You Don’t Trust Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse (And 3 Ways to Rebuild It)

If you’ve ever left a narcissistic relationship and thought, “How did I not see that?” or “Why don’t I trust my judgment anymore?” you’re not alone. One of the most damaging effects of narcissistic abuse is the way it erodes your self-trust.

Gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional conditioning slowly train you to question your own reality. Over time, you start doubting your instincts, your memories, and even your smallest decisions.

In this episode, Christy Jade explains why narcissistic abuse breaks your ability to trust yourself and shares three powerful ways to start rebuilding that trust so you can reclaim your peace, confidence, and inner authority.

Calm & Clarity Reset Call

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Contact:
00:00):

Good morning, Queens. It is Christie and we are diving right into it. I am sick, almost getting over this thing. So if my voice sounds a little froggy, you hear a lozenge tapping around my teeth, that's why. And maybe why this is a little late today. Usually I post it by 6:00 AM and it is now 9:15. So sorry for the delay, but hey, better late than ever? All right. So if you've ever left a narcissistic relationship and thought, how did I not see that? How did I stay so long? How did I do this to myself? How did I do this to my children? Why didn't I trust my gut? There were maybe some red flags. Why didn't I pay attention to them? And maybe now you find yourself second guessing everything. Your memories, your instincts, even small decisions like what to get at the store, what to eat, what to say in a text message.

(01:00)
If this is happening to you, I want you to hear this. You are not broken. Narcissistic abuse doesn't just hurt your heart. It erodes your ability to trust yourself. So today we're going to talk about why that happens and three ways to start rebuilding your self-trust. All right. So I'm your host, Christie Jade. Welcome if you are new here. Say hello. Follow my podcast so you get every episode. It's Tuesdays and Thursdays. And join the Facebook group. It's private and there's women just like you in there that are going through what you're going through and you can chatty chatsky and I post some quotes, sometimes the links to my podcast, and I'm going to start trying to do some mini videos in there. So definitely join that. That is in the description notes. So if you're here, you're probably someone who has experienced manipulation, gaslighting, emotional abuse, maybe physical abuse, maybe financial abuse from a narcissistic person.

(02:07)
And hold on. I'm going to spit out my laws and you get to hear this lovely. I didn't do video this week because no one needs to see what's happening. All right. So one of the most painful things that happens after a relationship with a narcissist is something people don't really talk about enough. You don't just lose the relationship. You lose trust in yourself. And often we lose a relationship and think, "Oh, I'm going to find this freedom. I'm going to feel so good. This is so hard, but at least I'm going to be free." But that freedom has a little price tag with it. And that is that often we have lost our trust in ourselves and maybe other people, right? But today we're talking about the self-trust that we do lose. And I hear it from clients all the time. I've been through it.

(02:59)
They say things like, "I don't trust my judgment anymore. I feel like I missed all the flags." Or maybe they saw a sliver, but all the good stuff kind of overrode it and they tried to rationalize it. Then they wonder, "What if I fall for this again?" That's a big question, right? And so I want to unpack why this happens and how to begin rebuilding that trust in yourself because here's the truth. Your intuition was not broken. It was buried under manipulation. Okay? So let's start with why this happens. Because once you understand the mechanism, it becomes much easier to stop blaming yourself because I really ... None of us look good in the blame crown. We want that shiny, gold, empowering crown that we deserve. So narcissistic relationships slowly train you to doubt your reality, right? This often happens through something called gaslighting, which many of you have probably heard of if you're in this narcissistic realm now.

(04:08)
Some of you may not, but it's when someone repeatedly denies your experience or they twist reality so you start questioning yourself. You might say something like, "That hurts my feelings." And they say, "You're too sensitive," or, "That never happened," or, "You're remembering it wrong. You're crazy. You're way too much." And when this happens over and over again, something very important starts to happen inside your brain. It's a real thing. Your brain begins to think, "Maybe I am wrong." And eventually you start doing something that feels safer in the moment. You start doubting yourself before they can even doubt you. Your brain learns that trusting yourself leads to conflict. Okay? I want to repeat that again. This is something we don't really know when we're in it. Your brain learns that trusting yourself, which you're supposed to do, but it is conditioned to think, which is your reality in the situation, that it leads to conflict.

(05:19)
And narcissists design that way on purpose. But questioning yourself keeps the peace. It keeps you safe in your situation. So you begin overriding your instincts. You ignore the gut feeling. You explain away the red flags. You tell yourself, "Oh, you're overreacting. You're just sensitive." And over time, this creates a deep wound to your self-trust. So when that relationship ends, you're left thinking, "How did I miss this? " But the truth is you didn't miss it. You were trained to override it. Okay? You didn't miss it. It was there, but you've been conditioned. And that conditioning takes some time to undo, but it can be done. Okay? So the three self-trust wounds survivors experience. We'll talk about those before we get into, let's fix this junk. All right? Most survivors experience three common self-trust wounds after narcissistic abuse. So the first is constant second guessing, right?

(06:30)
You question your memories, you replay conversations. You wonder if you're being too harsh or too forgiving. Even simple decisions can feel overwhelming because you're afraid of making the wrong choice. And the second wound is decision paralysis. I'm sure you're familiar with this one. When your confidence in your judgment has been shaken, your brain starts trying to avoid mistakes. So instead of choosing, you freeze. You ask 10 people for advice. You research endlessly. You overthink constantly because part of you is still afraid that trusting yourself will lead to danger as it did in the past, as we mentioned.

(07:18)
And the third wound is outsourcing your intuition. Instead of really getting calm with yourself, and that's why I'm such a big advocate of prayer and meditation, right? Spending time with yourself and relearning, retrusting yourself. But instead of checking in, you look to others for validation because you don't trust yourself. So what do you think I should do? Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? And while support is sometimes helpful, healing means eventually coming back to the most important voice, which is your own. And I'm a God person. You don't have to be, but I am going to talk about God here on my podcast because I'm a God person and I relate that your own voice, your intuition to me is the Holy Spirit. So getting connected enough with yourself so that you are open to hearing God's voice.

(08:20)
So what are the three ways to rebuild that self-trust? The good news is this. You don't rebuild it through huge life decisions first. Okay? We do baby sparkle steps, small daily evidence. Okay? So number one, start with tiny decisions, tiny decisions. And I've done this on some of the somatic healing journeys we go through. I've had a couple people where we go through, we literally envision going shopping together and just choosing things you like because some people are so conditioned. They say they can't even go to a store and pick out a piece of artwork or a new coffee table because they second guess themselves so much because they've been conditioned this way. So somatic healing is an amazing way to recover from this. But anyway, so start with simple questions like, "What do I want to eat this morning? Like what do I really want to eat?

(09:22)
What would really make me happy to eat right now? Or what actually sounds fun right now?

(09:30)
Or what would feel good for my body today?" They seem like tiny things, especially to people who haven't gone through this, right? But every time you make a choice based on your own voice, you're sending your brain a powerful message. You're saying, "My preference matters. My voice matters." Self-trust is built through hundreds of small decisions, not one huge one, which is the good news because you can do tiny decisions. You can start with that. So as I mentioned, meditation, prayer goes under the umbrella of number two, reconnecting with your body. So after narcissistic abuse, many people live almost entirely in your head, right? You analyze everything. You think everything through, but your body is actually where a lot of wisdom is held. Your nervous system sends signals like a tight feeling in your chest, a sinking feeling in your stomach, or a sense of calm and expansion, right?

(10:43)
So learning to notice these signals, right? Stopping and getting in touch with your body. Again, prayer and meditation can be very similar. You're in quiet. You're with yourself. You have no distractions. It's just you and the big man upstairs, right?

(11:04)
I like to pray first, kind of like, "Dear God, please let me relax and help me not be distracted right now and shine the light on what you would like me to feel and know in this moment." And if there's specific things, you get into that, either in prayer or meditation and notice what's happening to your body. Sometimes your body knows the truth before your mind is ready to accept it. That can happen, right? That's why this somatic work, grounding exercises or simply pausing to ask, "How does this feel in my body?" Can be powerful. I do that a lot. I go, "Okay, if my brain is like, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. " Which I had actually a big situation like that recently. Guilt was coming up of saying no to something. And I said, "All right, body, it's time.

(12:04)
What is my body saying?" And immediately I knew my throat was tight, my shoulders were up to my damn ears. My body was saying, "No, I can't and I don't want to do this. " You have to listen to your body, all right? The body is very, very powerful. We just need to tap into it. All right? So the third thing, keep small promises to yourself.

(12:35)
Self-trust grows through follow through. Okay? So you make huge commitments or huge, "I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. " You can set yourself up for a letdown and to worsen the self-trust, right? So a smaller promise could be going for a walk you said you take, right? That self-care. So saying, "You know what? This week, Thursday at four o'clock, no matter what, I'm going for a 10 minute walk. We're talking small commitments. Okay? Next week you can make a 20, a 10 minute walk just to be with myself, to clear my head, to feel my body. It could be speaking up about something small or saying no when something doesn't feel right. Maybe that doesn't have to be a big decision this week, but maybe someone asks you to do a favor and say, Oh, hey, can you meet me up at the church to put together the cupcake, whatever, I don't know, before the bake sale.

(13:49)
And you are really spread thin and you're realizing you need some more time for you, which is okay. You don't have to be everywhere for everyone. You could say, "You know what? I don't have time for that, but thank you for asking and I'd love to help in the future." Okay? No committing to anything else right now or you're committing to yourself right now or setting a boundary and sticking to it. This could be even with your kids. Maybe you are someone who has some guilt from staying in a bad situation and you feel bad and so you let your kids get away with the lot of stuff and they've been pushing more boundaries lately. And this week your teen is really upset and they think you're the worst because you don't let them do X, Y, Z. Everyone else does this and that, and you always cave.

(14:52)
This week, maybe you don't cave. Maybe you say, "I love you. I need to do what I think is right for you. " And you can't go to that party when you have a test the next day, whatever it is, setting the boundary and sticking to it. You've got to stick to it. So each time you do that, you're telling your nervous system, "I've got you, baby. I've got you. " And over time, those small moments stack up until one day you realize something amazing. You're not asking everyone else what to do anymore. You're checking in with you first.

(15:37)
And it's not going to be overnight, but it can happen. Just practice these little sparkle steps, do some somatic healing with me, right? If you take one thing from this episode, I want it to be this, okay? The narcissist did not destroy your intuition. It is not kaboom, boom, bow, gone. They simply taught you to ignore it. They did. They conditioned you. They did it on purpose and screw them, but that's another episode. Okay? Healing is the process of remembering your inner voice was always there. It was always there and it's still there. I always say, right? It's like I have a book called Solid Gold Mama. It's the same kind of idea. We have this solid gold inside of us, right? That's our intuition. That's our Holy Spirit. That's God's word. It's there. It does not go anywhere. You cannot damage or undo solid gold.

(16:41)
You just can't. It's there. It's beautiful. It gets covered up by dirt. It gets covered up by mud. It might get dinks that pop right back out though. They will pop back out, but you cannot destroy that beautiful solid gold inside of you. And the more you listen to your intuition, the more solid it stays. The more when someone tries to kick it, it can't even get dinked. Okay? Is dink a word? I want to stop saying dink right now. All right? But if rebuilding self-trust is something you're working on, this is the work we do inside my coaching containers, right? Helping women reclaim their peace, protect your power, and rebuild trust in yourself after this abuse. And you can find all the links in the show notes. I do have three programs that are three, six, and 12 months. If you would like to get a taste of this amazing work, there is a one-off call you can do so we can chat, see if it's a good fit, and do maybe a little tapping.

(17:59)
If you don't know what tapping is, it's so fun.

(18:04)
We can work on that, depending on how the call goes. Sometimes it's mostly talking. We'll try to fit something in at the end. If it's not a lot of talking, we can have a longer session. It's whatever you need will happen. And you have to trust that. I know that's hard for us, but trust that that will happen. No session is the same. No one session is the same for all my clients and even within one of my clients. I have clients that have been with me for years and none of their sessions are ever the same. And it is amazing work. So when you sign on, we do long-term. In the beginning, it might be a little more talking and some somatic. Some clients come in and where they are, they talk a little and most of the session can be somatic. Or it might be one session, they're really drained and just want to have a quiet somatic session, or they feel really chatty and they want to talk and get out their stuff and then navigate how to work with their co-parent.

(19:11)
And then the next week we'll calm their nervous system with the beautiful joy ride soul cation. There is so much magic in this work. I just love it. I love it. I love it. Obviously, that's why I do it. So if you're interested in doing one of those calls, whether it's a one-off call or diving right into one of the programs where you do save money, the longer you commit, that's just how these things work, right? All those options are in the show notes. And again, join the Facebook group. There's a boundaries, little freebie pocket guide. If you're not the best at boundaries, there is actually an empowered boundaries course. That's there if you want to check that out. All my stuff's always in the show notes. Okay? And if you have any questions, my email's always there too. FiercemamaC@gmail and you can write me, just say hello.

(20:05)
I answer every single email myself, which won't be forever. I am getting more emails and more clients and all of that, but while it's there, take advantage of it and say hello and I will write you back directly. All right. I hope you guys have a beautiful Tuesday, Wednesday, whenever you listen to this. And don't forget, Thursday is our Thrive in Five, and that will be a beautiful and related to today's episode, Somatic Healing Experience. So I hope you all can join me for that. So definitely, again, follow the podcast. This is an ongoing journey that every episode builds on the last one. So it's like this stacked journey of joy. All right? I love you guys. I'll see you in the next one. Bye.

Seeing the narcissist appear happy, thriving, or “better off without you” can trigger a wave of anger, sadness, and self-doubt. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse find themselves measuring their healing by what the narcissist’s life looks like now.

In this Thrive in 5 episode, Christy Jade walks you through a short EFT tapping practice to help calm your nervous system and break the mental loop of comparing your life to theirs.

Because the truth is this: your healing has nothing to do with whether the narcissist seems to be winning. Your healing is about reclaiming your peace, your power, and your focus.

If you’ve been stuck checking their social media, wondering if they’re happier, or feeling triggered when it looks like they’ve moved on quickly, this episode will help you shift your energy back where it belongs — on your life.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why your brain keeps tracking what the narcissist is doing after the relationship
• The nervous system pattern that keeps survivors focused on the narcissist
• How EFT tapping can interrupt obsessive thinking and emotional triggers
• A guided tapping sequence to release the need to monitor their life

Feeling stuck in the mental loop of the narcissist? Let’s reset it.

If you’re tired of the obsessive thoughts, emotional triggers, or constantly replaying what happened, my Calm & Clarity Reset Call is designed to help you shift out of that spiral quickly.

In this focused 1:1 session we’ll calm your nervous system, untangle what’s actually keeping you stuck, and create clear next steps so you can move forward with confidence.

Book your Reset Call here:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/calm-and-clarity-reset-call/

3-Month Coaching Container: Reclaim Your Peace

This container is designed for women who are ready to stabilize their nervous system, rebuild self-trust, and start creating real emotional freedom after narcissistic abuse.

Apply here:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Coaching Container: Queens of Peace

For deeper healing and long-term transformation. Together we work through trauma patterns, boundaries, nervous system regulation, and rebuilding the life you want after abuse.

Apply here:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Coaching Container

This is the highest level of support for women ready to fully reclaim their power and build a life that feels peaceful, confident, and aligned.

Apply here:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free)
https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts
https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Free Facebook Community
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Contact:
00:00):

Hello. I have to do some intro music because I don't have time to do the whole thing this week. So we're going to go. I forgot my music. Welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery with me. How's that? Should that be my new diddy? All right. So you guys, yes, it's been a crazy week, kind of a tough week. If I'll be honest, we all have our weeks. A kind of tough week for me. I know I want to talk about stuff more, so maybe I'll take that opportunity. So also connect in the Facebook group, you guys. Don't forget. Don't forget. It's always in the show notes. You can join there. It's a private group. So it's not public. No one can see it. And there's questions to make sure no sketchies or bots get in there. You have to provide your email, all of that good stuff so we know it's like a safe place to chat.

(00:56)
That being said, yeah, there's been some shifts and I am very excited to really focus on my business and just really concentrating on my book. I've been working on my book, if you guys don't know that, which is related to narcissistic abuse recovery. Very excited about it. And I have some really cool leads where hopefully it will be able to get seen and impact more people than I hoped even. So cross your fingers and pray for that. You know my goal is to help as many women as I can deal with ... And men. I've had men write me too that listen to this podcast. So thank you. Thank you. This advice is not just for women. That's true. I just happened to specialize in working with women because I'm a woman and I know the woman things. But also if you hear it, I don't know if I'm getting sick or it's the crazy weather here in the DMV.

(02:00)
I live right outside of Washington DC. And right now it's dropping dramatically to 30 something degrees when it was 84 degrees yesterday. It's wild. It's been absolutely wild weather here. So hold on to your seats where you are too. I heard there's some weird shifting in Colorado or Utah too, just some weird weather patterns. So here we are. Anyway, but I wanted to connect about ... I'm on this journey and sometimes we have to pivot and people like us who have gone through a lot sometimes are afraid to say no or afraid to make decisions that may impact other people and stay stuck because we have a tendency to people please. And we kind of have that, "Oh, I want people to like me and whatever." It's like this conditioning when you've gone through abusive situations where you feel like, "Yeah, I really don't want to upset anyone." And that's a great goal.

(03:30)
We never want to upset anyone, right? But sometimes when things are not aligned in whatever way, you do have to make decisions and you have to do what is right for you, which usually, let's be honest, is right for everyone because you're not going to be the best you if you stay in a relationship and whatever situation, if you're staying out of fear. So if you're in any situation right now where you're staying out of fear of either letting someone down, which is, that's my biggest thing. I do not like to let people down. It will eat at me and that's something I've worked on. And so my body, look, my somatic body's still catching up with that a little bit. I know it's okay to do and that we're not going to make everyone a thousand percent happy all of the time. However, my body still is a little stuck going, "Oh, but it still feels bad a little bit." So that's why we do these certain things like tapping we're going to do today.

(04:50)
It's an example to show you this is like life doesn't stop lifeing. Your feelings don't stop. When you're quote healing, that doesn't mean you don't feel things or you don't get triggered or you don't have certain reactions. It's having the tools with, well, how do you deal with it when it comes up? So yes, this week I've had triggers, I've had guilty feelings, all sorts of stuff come out and I have the tools that I have so my body and nervous system can go, "You're still safe. It's not the end of the world. Your brain knows that, but this body over here is having a little trouble." So you're going to have reactions. Today we're going to do tapping around watching them move on. This is a theme that has come up with multiple clients of mine. So like recently, so I noticed a pattern and was like, maybe this is God telling me I need to do a tapping session in general.

(05:51)
And I was first just going to put it on like YouTube, like do a short on YouTube or Instagram and maybe I'll still do that. But I felt like, well, where's my real audience? Where are my peeps? And you're here. So even though we're on audio, I'm going to walk you through and tell you what to do with the tapping. I'm doing a video. I look like trash because I'm not feeling very well, but I'm going to put the video on YouTube. So I will link that in the show notes so you are able to get the visual if you want it and just don't mind my trash look. Today, what is it? Thursday? Thursday's trash look like Christie. All right. So watching them move on. First we're going to talk about it real quick. Watching them move on is never easy. Even if let's say you're the one who decided to end the relationship, you're the one who decided to walk away or just you know it wasn't right and that they were mistreating you, all of this.

(06:51)
And you're like, "Well, why do I still care? Why am I still looking at their social media? Why am I still upset when I see my ex, let's say it's co-parenting." When I see him now dating someone and logically you get upset with yourself going, "Why do I care? I know he's not good for me. I don't want to be with him. He's awful. Why do I care?" But that is a part of this. It's because you've been so conditioned by this type of person and that's a whole other episode in and of itself. Part of that can be worse tying to comparison. They have moved on and maybe you haven't or they move on and you look at this new person thinking, "Oh my God, is she better than me? " Do they think she's nicer? Are they going to treat her so good?

(07:50)
Thinking that this partner's going to change, which no, they'll treat her like trash eventually too. They will love Bomb like they did with you in the beginning, right? But a leopard's a leper, right? Those spots don't change with narcissist usually. Also, what do we call that 0.0060147% that change? Maybe, but let's not hold our breath for that. So you get my point, right? You often want to look at yourself and have that strength to say, "I don't care. I don't care." But you're human and you've been conditioned and there are worth issues for you that have stemmed from being in a relationship like this where you are now trying to figure out your worth by what they're doing. And so we're going to end that. We're going to end that today. So with tapping, you tap certain points. Now I got to put ... Where am I going to put my microphone?

(08:54)
I didn't think about this. I'm holding my microphone because I'm in my bed today. It's a lazy day. I usually have it on a desk, so I'm going to have to figure out what to do with that. But the tapping points, when you tap them, you do this karate chop point in the beginning. That's to activate. I call them like the energy channels, right? Where this stuff really gets more embodied in your body rather than just words. Words are great too. Repetition. There's all sorts of things that can help rewire the brain. Tapping it in your body is another level where you're doing these points and your body's starting to viscerally feel and accept, right? Kind of digest what you're saying with your brain now that's signaling your body once you're opening these channels. So it's finally working in parallel rather than just the brain going, "Oh yeah, I know logically I shouldn't care." But your body's like, "But I care." Right?

(09:46)
Does that make sense? Good. All right. So this practice will help release the habit of measuring your healing by what a former partner, friend, boss, whatever, parent is doing with their life. Maybe it's after you have cut them off, maybe you're co-parenting. This is the one that's come up a lot in the last couple of weeks for my clients, seeing that they really are having trouble with seeing their exes move on and questioning themselves because of it. So it's bringing focus back to you, your body, your nervous system, and your own healing, because that's what matters. What they're doing really has nothing to do with you, but I know sometimes that's hard for us to ... We can hear it, but to process it is a very different thing, right? All right. So that being said, let's start. So it's good with tapping, so you just get a sense.

(10:51)
You first will rate zero to 10. You will ask, when you think about what their life looks like compared to yours in general, or with this person, a new person, or just in general, maybe they got this amazing job or they got the gorgeous house or the race car or the donuts. Okay. Notice how activated your body is, right? How do you feel? Not your thoughts, but really like, how's your body feeling? Rate it from zero to 10, the intensity of that anxiousness or annoyance or whatever comes up. We don't need to label the feeling. We're labeling the intensity of that feeling, zero to 10. So I'm going to zoom back on my own life. I had broken up with a narcissist, and I will tell you it was my choice.

(11:54)
At that point, finally, I had gone back to him and broken up, but when I really ended it the last time, I was very, very sure. When I ran into him, how many years later I had that visceral reaction. I had it in my body of, A, just him moving on. He was with someone else. I was like, all these thoughts of, "Oh, what if she's more this? What if she's more that? " Even though I didn't want to be with him, it was just how this kind of works. I'm trying to think viscerally what that would've been like then. Probably an eight and I wasn't even ... I mean, that was a couple years after. So that intensity, what is that, zero to 10? Just remember that number. And now we're going to go into the actual tapping. So of course, get settled and take a good halo breath through your nose and now at your mouth.

(12:52)
Let your body just settle a little bit. And all right. So the karate chop point. I guess it's good I'm holding my microphone because I'm going to have to describe it without doing it for you audio people. But no, I do need to find something. Hold on. Let me see.

(13:14)
Okay. So karate chop is halfway between the bottom of your pinky and the bottom of your palm on the side. So it's the sides of your hands in the middle there, in the meaty part, each hand. And if you're watching, you can see me. Okay? If you're not, you basically put those in a cross position like perpendicular. So those spots are meeting and you're just bouncing, right? One, two, three. You just, you're karate chopping your hands together, opening the channel. This part you only have to do once when you are starting the rounds. We're going to do three rounds today. Yeah. Okay? So got your karate chop point. I got my little script. I made a beautiful script for you guys. All right. So you're going to repeat after me while you're just doing the karate chop point. As we're opening up, just listen to these words and repeat after me.

(14:20)
Even though I keep measuring my healing by what their life looks like, I deeply and completely accept myself.

(14:37)
Okay. Next. Even though part of me keeps checking, whether they're doing well or not, my nervous system learned to watch them to stay safe. Okay. Last one here. Even though my mind keeps going back to their life, I'm open to bringing my attention back to myself. All right. So now we're getting to the regular tapping part here. Okay? So we're going to have three rounds. Round one is acknowledging the pain. So let me tell you the points. As we go in round one, I'll tell you where to put your fingers. We're going to use your first, middle and ring finger, keep them together, right? Like they're little buddies, their cousins hanging out. And on the eyebrow, we're going to start right in the center, like where your eyebrow starts essentially, right? And you're just going to tap there and repeat everything after me. I'm not going to say it every time.

(15:48)
So anything I say, I'm giving you space to repeat. All right. So this is acknowledging the pain, round one.

(15:55)
So we're on that eyebrow point. I keep thinking about what their life looks like. Side of the eye on the temple, same three fingers. My mind keeps checking on them. Under the eye, that orbital bone right there. Are they happy? Are they struggling? Now under the nose, this is halfway between the nose and the upper lip. It feels like that somehow means something about me. Chin, just in the middle of the chin. My brain learned to monitor them. Then we go to the collarbone. I kind of spread my fingers out a little bit here. That's what helped me survive the relationship.

(17:04)
You can do underarm where the bra strap would lay on the side of your body. My nervous system got used to tracking them. They were going to bring it to the top of the head, right in the center, so that your three fingers are like in a line front to back. And that habit is still there. Round two, we're doing understanding the nervous system here. Okay? Back to the eyebrow. My brain still thinks I need to watch them. Side of the eye, temple, as if their life determines my healing. Under the eye. But that's an old survival pattern.

(18:10)
Under the nose. My body was trained to stay focused on them. Now the chin, but I don't have to live there anymore. Collarbone. I can start bringing the focus back to me. Underarm. My healing lives in my body. That's right, Queen. Back to top of the head. Not in what their life looks like. Okay. For round three, reclaiming focus. Okay, go back to that eyebrow. I'm allowed to stop measuring my healing by them. Side eye. I can measure healing by my peace. Yes. It's the good stuff. Round three is always the best. Under the eye, by my calm, under the nose, by my boundaries.

(19:42)
The chin. My ability to choose myself. Collarbone. My nervous system learning safety again. Underarm. My life getting bigger. Top of the head. And them becoming less important. All right. Now place a hand on your heart. Take a nice, slow inhale through the nose and release. Notice your body. Ask yourself what feels different in my body right now. Not your emotions, what feels different? Small shifts in your breath. Your shoulders, tension, your chest. All signs that your nervous system is healing. That shift is actual healing. So going back to that zero to 10 scale, we started where maybe it was a seven or an eight. What is it now?

(21:14)
I imagine it's dropped. That's why we do this, right? And that is proof that your body absolutely can heal through this type of work, right? Through rewiring plus coding it through the body with methods like tapping. There are many more, but tapping is always a fun intro one. So if you want more, if you want more, if you want one-on-one somatic healing like this with the coaching and navigating like we do all of it, I will have all of my offers listed. I do have ... Let's see. Let me look. I think I have two more openings for the month of March for my special calm and clarity reset calls. And I can tell you what is included in that. So that is one call. It's 60 minutes. It's a Zoom. It's to help calm the emotional overwhelm quickly, to feel grounded instead of reactive, a safe space to talk through what's happening, and then personalized boundary or response guidance.

(22:35)
And then a clear next step, plan. What do you need to do next? And then options for continued support. So ongoing support is what makes true transformation, obviously. So this can be a lead into that. This can be a, "Oh, I'm curious about this work. Let me try it. " And if you like it, you can have ongoing support with me once a week and work on not just the mindset, not just navigating. And we do that and that's great, but also this mind-blowing body work, this somatic healing that to me was the missing piece of the puzzle for so many years. So you'll walk away with a calmer nervous system, right? Not just talking it out. Sometimes we can talk it out and feel worse or just heavy. And then the clearest next step for your situation. And then if you want to work on a script, a boundary, a response plan, if you're in a situation made with a co-parent or a parent, your own parent, whatever the situation is so that you can just have some clarity and calm because those are a big part of peace.

(23:54)
And you know, I'm the queen of peace over here. So I hope you enjoyed this. And definitely look at, go check out the Calm and Clarity Reset call, sign up for that. And then if you know you want ongoing work, which some people just jump into, I have three, six, and 12 month options. Everything's listed in my description box. Okay? So definitely come, do the one-on-one work. You deserve it. There is so much transformation that you can have that you have no idea the joy and peace you can feel until you do this work, especially if you're someone who went through a lot of childhood stuff. You may not know what it feels like to be at peace and to be clearheaded and to trust yourself. And we do all of that work, but that is, you got to show up. And that is the ongoing work to do that level of transformation.

(24:56)
So if what you want to do right now is just a one-off call to just get a little nervous system calm and a little direction, great. If you want to see about ongoing work but want to test it out, that call's great for that too. And if you just want to dive the hell in, like some of my clients do, they skip that call and they're like, "I know I need to do this. " There are all those options too. And with those calls also, the longer you sign up, there are different pricing tiers you do save if you sign up for a little longer term and you get the benefits of getting access to me every day, not all day, every day. I got a life guys, but on an app called Voxer. So you can text or leave voice message for me between the weekly calls, which my clients love this bonus.

(25:54)
And this is only with the ongoing packages, but it's great for when you're just spinning out and you need a little either talk it out or a little, I give customized even like tappings or affirmations, customized different little somatic methods I can give through the app. And or if someone's asking, right? I have co-parents ask advice like, "Oh my gosh, he just wrote me this. What should I respond?" Stuff like that. Okay? So it is a great, great bonus you have when you do ongoing work with me. But either way, sign up. If you have not done somatic healing, let's do it. Can we please do this together? It's amazing. So sign up there and don't forget to follow. Like I said, this is an ongoing thing. So you want to get as many of these episodes in as you can. Thursdays are the Thrive in Five.

(26:52)
So that's the ones you want to save and you can use at your leisure when things come up to help your body chill, your mind chill. So don't forget to follow on whatever platform you're on so you don't miss any of these episodes. Okay? All right. You are queens. I love you guys so much. I will let you go and I will see you in the next one. Bye.

Have you ever noticed that just when you start moving on… the narcissist suddenly becomes kind again? Sweet messages. Apologies. Promises to change. It can make you question everything.

In this episode, Christy explains the manipulation tactic known as hoovering—why narcissists suddenly act nice when they feel you pulling away, how this behavior fits into the narcissistic abuse cycle, and what you can do to protect your peace. If you've ever wondered whether their sudden kindness means they've truly changed, this episode will give you clarity.

🎧 Listen to the episode:
https://www.podbean.com/eas/pb-fh2h2-1945389

Your Next Step in Healing

If you're dealing with hoovering, emotional manipulation, or the lingering effects of narcissistic abuse, you don't have to navigate it alone. These patterns can be confusing and exhausting—but clarity and peace are possible.

Working together can help you break trauma bonds, rebuild self-trust, and confidently protect your boundaries.

1:1 Coaching Support

3-Month Transformational Coaching Container
This container is designed for women who want focused support breaking free from narcissistic abuse patterns, strengthening boundaries, and reclaiming their peace.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Queens of Peace Coaching Container
For deeper transformation, this program helps you fully rebuild self-trust, emotional stability, and confidence after narcissistic abuse.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Queens of Peace Coaching Container
The most comprehensive option for women who want sustained support while rebuilding their life, identity, and relationships after narcissistic abuse.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free)
Learn how to set boundaries without guilt.
https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts
Exact scripts to handle narcissistic texts and manipulation.
https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course
Build strong boundaries that actually stick.
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Join the Free Facebook Community
Connect with other women healing after narcissistic abuse.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Related Episode

How to Spot a Narcissist in 60 Seconds
One of the most popular episodes of the show. Learn the fast red flags that reveal narcissistic behavior early.
https://www.podbean.com/eas/pb-4sj92-15e6a4b

Contact

Email: 00:00):

Ever notice this? You finally start pulling away from the narcissist, you get strong, you get fierce and queeny, and suddenly they're nice again, overly nice. Sweet texts, apologies, promises. Today, we're talking about why narcissists suddenly act nice and the manipulation tactic called hoovering that pulls so many people back in. Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five-minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen, this one's for you. All right, queens. It is Christie with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast. Welcome back or welcome if you are a newbie, a newbie queen. Welcome to the show. Today, we're talking about something that confuses almost everyone who has dealt with a narcissist. You start getting your power back, right? You stop chasing them. You stop overexplaining yourself or explaining yourself at all. And out of nowhere, they're nice again.

(01:10)
And you're like, "What just happened? What's happening?" And this usually shows up right when you start detaching. So maybe you stop texting back so fast because you are losing the conditioning that everything is urgent when it's not. Maybe you set a boundary and say, "I'm not going to let you talk to me like X, Y, Z anymore." Maybe you emotionally checked out. Maybe it's been a while, you are burnt out from their nasty, sticky, ugly spiderweb and you're just disconnected. And suddenly they miss you. They appreciate you. They're sorry. I have quotes up if you can't see me in the video. If you're just on audio, I'm putting a little quotation over that, sorry, because they're fake apologies. Okay? Or our personal favorite here, "I've been doing a lot of thinking." And your brain goes, "Wait, maybe they are really changing." But what you may be experiencing is called hoovering.

(02:19)
So what is hoovering? It is named after yes, the vacuum brand, because the narcissist is trying to suck you back in. When they feel you pulling away, they switch strategies. Instead of criticism, they'll give charm. Instead of distance, they will give you and shower you maybe even with attention. Instead of blaming you, they will give apologies. But the goal usually is not healing. The goal is regaining access to you. I'm going to repeat that again. Their goal is not healing, which it would be lovely if it was, but it is regaining access to you and control over you. In case you're new here, all narcissists seek really is control and that feeds them. So why do they suddenly act nice? There's a few reasons this happens. First, they feel that control slipping. When you stop reacting, it changes the whole dynamic. They love a good reaction.

(03:29)
It shows them that you're under their control, that you are affected by them and they love it. It feeds them. It literally feeds them. So the narcissists rely heavily on emotional reactions. So when that supply, as we call it in this world, narcissistic supply, when that supply disappears, they try to get it back. Second, they want to reset the cycle. So narcissistic relationships usually move through phases. We have the love bombing, right? And that's like right when you meet them, they love bomb you to get you. And then that comes back. There are these cycles. So love bombing, devaluing. That's when they start treating you poorly. Even they can start out slow sometimes where just like little dismissive comments that just kind of like beat you down a little by little emotionally, maybe physically, right? They're devaluing you. And then the discard where they really are treating you almost like trash.

(04:35)
And then comes the hoovering. That's the cycle reset. So if they can pull you back in, the pattern starts again. So they will do that love bombing. The hoover you in, love bomb you, go back to devaluing and discard, push you to that edge again, bring you back in. It is a hideous, hideous cycle. Why it is so confusing. Here's the tricky part. Sometimes during hoovering, they really do seem different. They're good at what they do usually. They're kinder, more thoughtful. One of my recent clients, an ongoing client of mine, during one of these cycles, he was buying her all of a sudden, and this is years into it. She had really pulled away a lot, set major boundaries, left him. He hoovered her back in. And what happened? He love bombed her with trips, beautiful gifts. Let's do this to the house, whatever you want, baby.

(05:47)
Start being more thoughtful. Let me bring you coffee in the morning. This is such a perfect example of love bombing after Hoovering. And it will and can make you question everything. You start wondering, maybe I misunderstood them. The most common one I see is maybe they've changed. Something like ... They realize what they lost and now they're going to change. But what's important to look at is patterns over time. So real change does not show up as a few nice texts or even a couple trips, right? It shows up as consistency, accountability, respect for boundaries. So if you are in a phase, and I hope you're not, and I hope you don't get Hoover back in, but if you're in the midst of it right now and you've been Hoovered and you're back in and like, wait, he is acting, he or she is acting different.

(06:48)
You've got to maybe even test things, set a boundary, see their reaction, right? Do a couple boundaries. Really test for that accountability and not just lip service on things that matter, not just a nice gift, not the things that are easy emotionally, right? A little easier than actually emotionally having to show up. And most importantly, which this is the hard part, right? Is does it last? And unfortunately, if you're in it right now, you may not know that until you've been in this cycle a little longer. But if you know the cycle goes back and forth and back and forth like this, that should be enough clarity for you to say, "Oh, this is a big pattern. We've done this three times. We've done this eight times. We've done this 90 times. It's time for me to pick up and go. " So the question that changes everything, instead of asking, are they finally changing?

(07:57)
Try asking, does this match their long-term pattern?

(08:03)
Because narcissists often become the nicest version of themselves right when they feel they're losing you. Not because they've transformed, right? That's not why, but because they want the connection and the control back. They want that cycle back. So if the narcissist in your life suddenly becomes nice when you start to pull away, or even if you're co-parenting, right? And you'll probably go through this. And this is what really mind F's everybody in these situations because you'll be like, "But he was so nice. Wait." And then now he's acting whatever again. And it's like you can even forget sometimes in the midst of their niceness, just how awful they've been because you're swooped up in their niceness. So this can happen whether you are currently with someone or if you are having to deal with someone like an ex that you're co-parenting with, or maybe your parent that you are maybe a little distanced with, but you have to deal with them and you're confused because you're like, "Well, they're nice to me the last couple weeks." And then next week you don't know what's going to happen.

(09:21)
But secret is you do know. If there's all these narcissistic traits, and you can go through my episodes to find those episodes, I'll try to remember to link one of them, the traits of narcissism. You can figure out what and who they are and look for the patterns. So if they're nice to you when you start pulling away, when you start creating boundaries, when you're like, "I'm not doing this anymore," pause, breathe, breathe, do that halo breath in through the nose, out through the mouth and remember kindness during hoovering is often part of the cycle, right? Not the end of it, it's part of the cycle. It never ends at kindness. It never ends at love bombing. A cycle never ends.

(10:19)
The worst case scenario cycle is it ends when you have got the real short end of the stick in many ways, right? We don't want you getting there. We don't want you to get to that point. We want you to get out of this cycle, right? So your job is not to decode them, not to figure out, have they changed? You've seen the patterns. You know what's coming next. This is a cycle. It's a cycle. Cycles doesn't have an end, right? Your job isn't to figure that out. We figured it out for you. You're in a cycle and your job is to protect your peace, however you can do that. I know it's very hard if you are in a co-parenting situation, but there are ways to do that. Obviously, I would say right now, 90, 95% of my clients are co-parents, maybe a little less right now.

(11:31)
It goes up and down, but generally, it's usually at least 80% of my clients, right? Our co-parents in crazy situations, and we are able to, one, navigate them.

(11:44)
I help with that. And then two, help your nervous system. So no matter what situation you're in, the beauty of the somatic healing we do, that's the body, healing through the body, no matter what you're going through, we can help heal your body in any situation. So that's the beauty of this work, right? We can help you navigate. We can't control other people. We can't control what they say or do, but you can control and start to alter through healing, through the body healing, be able to start at a higher vibe, essentially, and be able to deal with more and navigate easier and start to know yourself, trust yourself, and be built strong like a bull with a queen's crown on, so that you can find more peace. Your job is to protect your peace. Your job is not to control them or to change them or to figure them out.

(12:48)
Your job is to protect yourself and your children, if that's the case.

(12:57)
So if you're dealing with any sort of narcissistic or toxic situation right now, and you want to have a one-on-one customized session with me, I will link my information in the show notes. It should be in the little description box. There's always my links to work with me, and you can email me with any questions. I read every single email, and just know that you're not alone. There's a Facebook community just waiting for you to join, and it's private. So I will link that in the show notes as well. So check out all the things in the show notes, and don't forget to follow, because this is a long term journey, right? Narcissistic abuse, and it ain't easy going through it. So in solidarity, be with your people, be with us, come listen to these. Thursdays are my shorter somatic healing little methods, tips, and tricks, and tools, little bite-size episodes that you can save for when you're having a moment, when you're spiraling, when you're questioning yourself.

(14:08)
So those are on Thursdays. So make sure you do follow my podcast so you get notifications, so you'd know when I'm like, "Hey girl, hey, it's time." Yes, Queen, it's time. So Tuesdays and Thursdays, and yes, if you have any questions at all, feel free to email me at fiercemamase@gmail. It's also in the description, and I hope you are having a beautiful day. Don't let the narcs keep you down. All right, shine your crown. I'll see you in the next one. Bye.