NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

The People-Pleasing Hangover: Still Saying YES After Narcissistic Abuse? Why Your Body Struggles to Say NO (And How to Change That)
Episode Summary
Ever said YES when every fiber of your being was screaming NO? Welcome to the People-Pleasing Hangover!

If you've experienced narcissistic abuse, you may find yourself apologizing when you've done nothing wrong, overexplaining your decisions, or agreeing to things you don't actually want to do. And even when you KNOW you have every right to set boundaries, your body might have other plans!

In this episode, Christy Jade dives into the mind-body connection behind people-pleasing, the nervous system's role in learned survival responses, and why saying NO can feel so uncomfortable after narcissistic abuse.

We'll explore how chronic emotional stress can shape our reactions, why the fawn response may keep us stuck in old patterns, and how somatic awareness can help us move from automatic people-pleasing to intentional choices.

Because, Queen, you can be kind without disappearing.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

Why people-pleasing can continue long after narcissistic abuse ends.

How the nervous system can learn to associate disappointing others with danger or conflict.

The connection between the fawn response, trauma, and people-pleasing.

Why setting healthy boundaries can trigger guilt, anxiety, or physical tension.

The difference between genuine kindness and abandoning your own needs.

A simple somatic practice called Pause, Notice, Choose to help you respond instead of automatically saying YES.

How to begin rebuilding self-trust and creating healthier relationship patterns.

Plus, don't miss this week's Glitter Drops, where we're practicing one small but powerful way to choose ourselves without the guilt spiral!

Your Next Step in Healing
Empowered Boundaries Course

Ready to stop overexplaining, overgiving, and feeling guilty for putting yourself first? My Empowered Boundaries course will help you build healthier boundaries, strengthen your self-trust, and start honoring YOUR needs.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Join Our FREE Facebook Community

You don't have to navigate narcissistic abuse recovery alone! Come connect with other women who understand the journey, share encouragement, and support one another as we heal and grow.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Connect With Christy Jade
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

Email: fiercemamac@gmail.com

If this episode resonated with you, share it with another Queen who needs the reminder that her needs matter, too. And don't forget to follow the podcast so you never miss an episode!

Remember: Your peace is not supposed to be the price you pay for everyone else's comfort.

Keep healing, keep growing, and keep collecting those Glitter Drops! ✨

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Hello, queens. Hey, it's Christie. How are we doing today? Going around people pleasing everyone but yourself? Is that why you clicked on this? Oh, okay. I did this episode because it's something we need to talk about because first of all, if you're a people pleaser by nature, you can fall into this cycle of attracting people who are abusive or controlling, or maybe you weren't always, but you met a certain type of person or were raised by a certain type of person and had to adapt to what they wanted so you are conditioned, right? Either way, once you're even out of the house with the parents that are controlling or you're out of the romantic situation or friendship with somebody who is this way too, you can still hold these characteristics because it is relation deep, deep in you. No, but let's get to it. Basically, it's hard because your mind might know you don't want to do something or doesn't feel right, but you're so used to saying yes, yes, and pleasing everybody that you continue to ignore your needs, your wants, your capacity.

(01:22)
So we're going to talk about why people pleasing can stick around long after abuse has ended, why you can intellectually know. You have the right to say no, but your body responds for some reason like you've just announced you're going to wrestle an alligator. And most importantly, we're talking about how to begin changing that pattern, right? We love a good change around here. So not by becoming cold either, not by being selfish, don't worry about that. We're not going to turn you into some monster, but some of us could use a little more nope in our lives. Okay? We're talking about learning how to be kind without abandoning ourselves. So grab your coffee in the acutest mug that you like and you love and you picked out. You got one? No, go get one. That's your homework today. And let's get into it.

(02:23)
All right, so here's something I really want you to understand. For some survivors of narcissistic abuse or any abuse controlling type of people in your life, people pleasing wasn't simply about wanting to be liked. It became a way to manage conflict. Okay? Think about what happens when you're in a relationship where someone's reactions are unpredictable. Maybe saying no resulted in an argument. Maybe expressing a need resulted in criticism. Maybe having an opinion different from theirs meant hours of tension, accusations, or my personal favorite, the silent treatment. Maybe you learned the quickest way to get through the day, the night was to keep the peace. And by keep the peace, I mean their peace. Can we focus on that? When you wanted to keep the peace, what were you really trying to do? Keep them as quote peaceful as possible. Trying to keep them as calm as possible.

(03:40)
But your peace wasn't included in that household subscription, right? So over time you might have started making little adjustments, maybe stop mentioning certain things. You agreed when you didn't agree because you just didn't want to deal with the aftermath. You apologized when you hadn't done anything wrong. I have been doing that since I am an itty bitty. Not anymore. Actually, that's a lie. Occasionally I do still slept. Okay? No, not perfect. That's a tough one when that's so ingrained. Just apologizing because you don't want to feel that tension and you start anticipating their moods before they even walk through the door, right? You didn't know what you're going to get. A lot of the time it was angsty chaos. So you became a professional, emotional meteorologist. Slight chance of passive aggressive comments by dinner. And what makes this especially difficult is that these behaviors may have actually worked, right?

(04:52)
Not perfectly, not every time. We know how they are, but sometimes agreeing really did prevent an argument. Sometimes staying quiet did reduce the conflict and putting your needs last, that could definitely make a difficult situation easier to navigate, right? That one for sure. And that's important because I don't want you looking back at those behaviors and thinking you were weak. You were responding to the circumstances you were in. So I don't want you blaming yourself for any of this. But here's the catch. A strategy that helps you navigate this unhealthy relationship of whatever kind it was can become exhausting when you carry it into every other relationship. You're people pleasing your friends, your coworkers, your family, the cashier at Target. I people please my hair people. I mean, I went back to some people when it was not good, but I was just like, I don't want to hurt their feelings.

(06:03)
Okay, well you got orange hair. So you should probably start protecting yourself and there's a way to do that without being mean. And we usually actually are thinking the worst situation reflected upon our past, right? So our lens isn't clear. So I'm thinking, oh my God, this hairdresser's going to hate me for the resident. That hairdresser is not your abuser. They're not a narcissist. They're not an awful person. They'll be fine. And if they are a jerk, guess what? Good riddance anyway. Okay? But anyway, this is where we need to go a little deeper because these patterns aren't always just thoughts, right? When someone bumps into you and you apologize, you're apologizing to the chair. It can't even hear you. But these thoughts are sometimes connected to what our bodies have learned to anticipate. So we are proactively ready to go and say, sorry and my bad and I'll fix it.

(07:17)
I'll fix it. I'll fix it. I'll fix it. I'll keep the peace.

(07:22)
So let's talk the mind body connection because this is where it gets interesting. Our brains are constantly learning from experience, right? When certain situations repeatedly lead to stress, conflict, emotional pain, our nervous systems can become more sensitive to similar situations in the future. That's a normal part of how humans learn to recognize potential threats, right? It's supposed to be there. But after prolonged emotional stress, the body can respond to reminders of those experiences even when the present situation is very different. It has a similar feeling, right? So for example, someone asks you for a favor, completely reasonable one. Maybe it's someone asking with help something over the weekend. And before you've even checked your calendar, you're going, "Yeah, of course." But internally that breath is shallow, maybe your stomach is in knots, your heart's beating a little faster, and there's this urgency to make sure the other person isn't disappointed.

(08:37)
Now, those sensations don't automatically mean you're experiencing some crazy trauma response. Sometimes they're just anxious, right? Sometimes we're overwhelmed. Sometimes we just really don't want to help move a heavy couch. And that last one's understandable. Okay? I've skipped out on some couch moving just because I didn't feel like it. I had plenty of time and capacity, but I was like, "Ooh, I've got these little tiny muscles and I got to preserve them for carrying my groceries." All right, just kidding. But for survivors like us who repeatedly experience negative consequences for setting boundaries, I imagine you did, these reactions can reflect an old learned association. Okay? So get ready for this one, maybe jot this one down.

(09:31)
It's very simple, but sometimes we don't shine a light on these things, right? You have gone through this over and over again. Disappointing someone might lead to something unpleasant. Odds are it will if you've been in these relationships. Even if the person standing in front of you today is perfectly safe to disappoint, right? This is one reason understanding a pattern intellectually does not always make it disappear immediately. You can know that saying no is allowed. You can know you're not responsible for anyone else's emotions, right? Maybe you've done the therapy, done the fun work, YouTube videos, whatever. You can know healthy relationships make room for disagreement, and you can still feel uncomfortable practicing that because learning a new response requires more than simply telling yourself a new story. That's why affirmations are great, but usually you need some experience and other stuff thrown in the mix we'll talk about in addition to them.

(10:39)
You need that experience to reinforce the story rather than just words or knowing. There's a knowing and then there's a believing. And that brings me to a term you may have heard, the fawn response. It's not a medical diagnosis. It's just a term used to describe appeasing or accommodating behavior that can emerge in response to a perceived threat. And for some survivors, it describes their experience beautifully. Instead of fighting, instead of fleeing, instead of freezing, you have become extra agreeable. You might also, by the way, have a combination of these. I definitely did. So depending on the situation. So being extra helpful, extra accommodating, "Oh, I don't care where we go, wherever you want. Sure, I love, live or worst." You try to keep everyone happy because somewhere along the way, keeping someone else comfortable was associated with keeping yourself safe.

(11:57)
Say that again. Keeping someone else comfortable became associated with keeping yourself safe. And here's what I find fascinating. You might not even notice you're doing it until after you've done it, which brings us right back to the people pleasing hangover. Your body feels tense, your mind starts replaying the interaction. Then you're frustrated with yourself for agreeing because you're like, "Well, too late. Great. I already said I'd do it." But instead of turning that frustration into another opportunity to criticize yourself, what if we approached it with curiosity instead? What if we asked, "What was I trying to avoid feeling in that moment?" Okay, write that down. "What was I trying to avoid feeling in that moment?

(12:50)
Was it guilt, conflict, disapproval, huge one, or someone being disappointed? Maybe a mix, but sit with it. Think about it next time. Sometimes the hardest part of saying no isn't the word itself. It's tolerating the uncomfortable feelings that come up after you say no. And that is something we can practice. So I want to make something clear. People pleasing and kindness are not the same thing. You can be the most generous, loving, thoughtful, human and still have boundaries. I think you need to hear that again. You can be generous, loving, thoughtful, super sweet, and still have boundaries.

(13:48)
And actually, healthy boundaries can make generosity feel a lot better because there is a difference between saying yes because you want and saying yes because you're terrified of what might happen if you don't. If it's not genuine, and sometimes people can feel that, right? All right. So let's imagine two different scenarios. Scenario number one, your friend asks you for help with something. Okay, let's say it's moving. You check your schedule, you have time. Oh, it's Saturday at four. Yep. Nothing on the schedule. You genuinely want to help. You say yes. You're like, "Ooh, I get to go help her decorate, go to HomeGoods maybe. We can have some pizza." That's generosity. Scenario two, your friend asks you for help. You are exhausted. You have worked a 60 hour week. You are running wild with running your kids around to different activities. You're helping your other family members.

(14:54)
Your mom's been sick. Your dog pooped again on the carpet. You have 47 things on your to-do list. You're really looking forward to having just a day for yourself, a peaceful afternoon, time to just light a candle, read a book. But the second they ask, you feel the wave of guilt. You imagine them being disappointed, start thinking they'll believe you're selfish. Maybe they'll be upset. Maybe they'll stop inviting you places. Maybe they'll tell everyone you're a terrible friend. And before you know it, you have agreed to spend your entire Saturday doing something you absolutely did not want to do. And then you're mad about it on top of it, right?

(15:46)
So is every single reluctant, yes, people pleasing? Not necessarily. Sometimes we make sacrifices for people we love, right? That's a part of being human. It's a part of society and people help you out. You should help out. Sometimes it's on a day that's not totally convenient. That's okay. But if you've repeatedly ignored your own needs because someone else might get disappointed, that's worth exploring more. Okay? Someone being disappointed in your boundary does not automatically mean your boundary is wrong, right? I think a lot of survivors have learned to measure the success of a boundary by how the other person responds. If they're happy, the boundary must be okay. If they're upset, "Oh, maybe that was too harsh. Maybe I said it the wrong way or maybe I just shouldn't have set that boundary at all." That is not how boundaries work. You're allowed to make a reasonable decision that someone else does not love.

(16:58)
Not everyone's going to. They're just not. People are mostly about themselves, right? So a lot of time, if it's not making them happy and doing exactly what they want their way, even if they're a good person, they may or may not get upset about it. You're allowed to have different preferences. You're allowed to say, "That doesn't work for me." And you're allowed to let someone experience disappointment without rushing in to fix it. We got to stop being the fixers.

(17:33)
Sometimes I would wear that pride. I had this pride. "Oh, I'm a fixer. I'm a troubleshooter. I'm a problem solver. "Yeah, that's because of trauma, baby. Not saying some of us aren't like that by nature, but a lot of that is created because of trauma, because we had to figure out how to fix, how to please, how to avoid, how to do our whole freaking life in some cases. If you grew up in a family situation that you had to watch your back or you've been in a relationship for 10 years watching your back, you've learned some new moves, some new problem solving skills. I don't know. Okay? So you're allowed to let someone experience disappointment without rushing into what? Fixing it. And I know that might have just made you feel crazy. We're letting people be disappointed, but the goal isn't to become completely unaffected by other people's emotions, right?

(18:48)
We don't have to swing the pendulum all the way the other side, but the goal is to stop treating every uncomfortable reaction as an emergency you're responsible for solving.

(19:02)
I think out of everything, this might be what we need to highlight. Okay? Stop treating every uncomfortable reaction as an emergency you're responsible for solving. You know how much better you're going to feel if you can do that? Okay? So here's where we're going to bring the body into this because I don't want to give you another episode where you're like, "Okay, I understand, but how do I stop?" And I tried to give you solutions because I'm a problem solver, full circle, but how do I stop this? So let's talk about a small practice I use in my somatic work and you don't need a yoga mat, you don't need candles though. I welcome both always. You don't need to chant under a full moon holding a crystal, unless it's your thing. Go ahead. We're going to practice something simple. The pause, notice, choose. Okay?

(20:05)
If you're driving, keep your eyes on the road and just listen. Come back, save this episode or come back later. So step one is the pause. So the next time someone asks you for something, notice. Just slow down, notice whether you feel an urge to answer, especially if that urge feels rushed, like you need to say yes before they've even finished. Just like, "Yes, of course I'm going to do whatever you want me to do." Instead of answering automatically, try giving yourself a little space. Say, "Let me check and get back to you." We're going to practice saying that, okay? Or, "Let me see what I've got going on." I personally usually say, "Oh, I'll let you know. I'll let you know. Let me check. I'll let you know." That's it.

(21:02)
No elaborate explanation like, "Well, I don't know." Even the I don't knows, we can turn into five paragraph of excuses because we're so afraid it's not good enough. "I don't know. Let me check because I got my daughter's thing and I got my husband's thing and my dog lately, so I got to check before I can really commit to... I'm sorry. It's just been so crazy. No. Let me check and get back to you. You don't need a PowerPoint presentation explaining why you might possibly, potentially, perhaps be unavailable. Just pause. You can directly refuse if you feel like it, depending on your situation. If you know it's a no, and we might have to work up to that, you can just say," Oh, I can't make that. "And sometimes that's a whole other episode, but sometimes it's something that I found helpful is," I can't help you move, but I'd love to send you guys a pizza that you can have while you guys help yourselves move.

(22:13)
Bye. Please. Just kidding. All right. Anyway, back to our noticing, right? So next is notice.

(22:25)
Once you've created a little space, check in with yourself. Okay? Feel your feet resting against the floor. You can do it right now if you're not driving again. But in the moment, you can practice right now. Notice your feet on the floor. Notice the support of the chair underneath you. Let your shoulders settle a little. Take a nice, slow inhale, exhale, and just notice, what am I feeling about this request? Is your chest getting tight, stomach fluttering, jaw clenching? Or maybe you feel fine, you're like, "Actually, it would be nice to do that. I haven't spent time. I kind of miss hanging out with her." That feels warm inside, warm and fuzzy, right?

(23:25)
Maybe you don't notice anything at all. All of those are okay. We're not trying to interpret every sensation as some secret message from the universe. We're just practicing awareness. So remember, there's no wrong answer. Then ask, "Do I actually want to say yes? Do I have the time and the energy, the capacity? Am I making this choice freely or am I feeling pressured by guilt or fear?" And then just notice what comes up. You don't even need to solve it or answer it immediately, right? We've got to let go of urgency. And the third step, choose. Now this is the less comfortable part, making a choice based on what actually works for you. Maybe the answer is yes. Maybe it's no. Maybe it's not right now. Maybe it's I can come for an hour, but I can't come for four.

(24:35)
And here's the important part. After you make the choice, you might still feel uncomfortable. You might feel a little guilty. This is like you're not used to this. It's normal to feel this way. You might second guess. You may have the urge to send a follow-up explaining, again, 900 different ways to try to soften the blow. We've got to take ourself out of trying to be responsible for everyone's feelings all the time. We cannot do it all. We cannot please everyone all the time. We're human. Okay? But if you're feeling the discomfort, it doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong, okay? Most likely it doesn't. I mean, most likely you haven't done anything wrong, right? It doesn't mean that, but you haven't.

(25:32)
It's just you're practicing something unfamiliar and our bodies love safety. Our bodies love predictability. So when we throw something in and say, "We're saying no," your body's going, "What the fuck? We've been saying yes for our entire lives. Why are we now saying no? What's wrong? Alarm bell. It's a fake alarm. It's a false alarm and we're going to turn it off." So every time you practice responding intentionally in a safe situation, you're giving yourself another opportunity to learn you can make choices without automatically managing everyone else's feelings. Not overnight, but gradually. But you have to do it. You have to practice it for it to stick for your body to learn this, for your mind to learn this. The mind usually knows before the body, so your mind might be like, "I know it's fine." Then your body goes, "Nope, what? I feel weird." And you say, "Body, we're safe.

(26:28)
We're safe. We're safe." If you're someone whose body tends to react strongly to stress, mind definitely does, you don't have to push yourself in overwhelming situations to prove your healing either, right? So small, manageable steps count and they're more sustainable. So here's a little plat twist. Sometimes you finally do say no, you set the boundary, you don't over-explain, you don't apologize, you actually do it and then you feel terrible. Isn't this supposed to be empowering? Where's the confetti?

(27:10)
Instead, you're laying in bed wondering if your friend secretly hates you now. Feeling guilty after setting a boundary does not mean the boundary was unkind, right? It's like a signal we violated one of our values because we're so used to doing it. And sometimes it can reflect an old expectation that we should always accommodate, right? So let's tell the difference. Ask yourself, "Was I respectful? Was I reasonably honest? Was the decision consistent with my needs and values now?" Guess what? Your values could have changed. Valuing other people's emotions all the time over your own is not a good value to have. Valuing your own, very good. Valuing others, good too. You can do both, right? This is another place where the mind-body awareness can help. If you notice yourself spiraling after setting a boundary, try reconnecting with the present moment.

(28:27)
Notice ordinary things you can see. Unclench your hands. Remind yourself I can feel comfortable without immediately changing my decision. That's this mind-body work is getting comfortable, allowing, accepting. And we're going to talk a lot more about this stuff. And then go do something meaningful. We don't want your entire afternoon becoming a trial about whether you're allowed to decline a brunch invitation, right? We don't need to spiral and get stuck. Go enjoy your day, right? All right, that leaves us with our glitter drop. This week, I'm dropping a little reminder that might just change the way you approach your relationships.

(29:21)
You ready? You don't have to earn your place in someone's life by constantly making yourself smaller. So this week, this is your challenge. Are you ready? I want you to look for one tiny opportunity to choose yourself. Okay? An everyday moment where you notice the automatic urge to please. Maybe someone asked you for something, maybe you're about to apologize to that chair. So sorry, you thing without feeling, right? Maybe you're preparing to explain a perfectly reasonable decision for the 18th time. I want you to try three things. Pause, notice, choose. Give yourself a moment before responding. Check in with what you actually want and need.

🎁 Fun Queen Resources
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EMAIL ME: fiercemamac@gmail.com

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Hello, queens. All right. Last week I told you we're changing things up around here. We are giving the narcissist less airtime because haven't we had enough? Huh? Anyone know Uncle Jesse? Did I sound like him? All right. So we've analyzed what the narcissists do, their gaslighting, manipulation, very clear lack of boundaries. We've talked about going no contact my favorite way to deal with them. We've talked about all of it and all that's super, super important, especially when you're first realizing what happened to you. But eventually I want us to ask a different question. And by the way, all those episodes are in my past library of episodes. You can go, if you need to catch up there first, go right ahead. There's tons of information. But I want us to ask a different question now. Once you've gone through all that, once you understand more about the narcissist and how they work, how their minds work, what tactics they use, all that.

(01:03)
What happened to you while you were surviving all of that? And maybe even more importantly, how do we help you feel like you again? Or maybe you don't even know the version of you that is in your future and is going to be amazing and shiny and queen like. Because one of the strangest things about getting out of these situations is that the narcissists can be gone. They are powerful. They're not as powerful as they think, but they are powerful in a way of, it can still feel like you're waiting for the next thing to happen. You can be sitting in your house, nobody's yelling, no one's criticizing you, no one's giving you the silent treatment or accusing you of something you didn't do. Nobody's making you explain yourself for hours. Everything is technically maybe fine, but it doesn't feel fine, right? But your body is like, I don't trust this.

(02:02)
Anybody? Okay. Today we're talking about why you can still feel on edge after narcissistic abuse, even when you're finally safe.

(02:14)
So if you spent months or years with a narcissist or even emotionally abusive person, think about how much information you are constantly processing. What mood are they in? How did they say that? Was that a normal fine or was that fine? I feel like it's like there's this robot that ends up in our head, just these standard questions you're scanning, you're questioning, right? Why are they quiet? Why they shut the door like that? Should I bring this up? Should I wait? How can I say this without upsetting them? Are they going to twist what I say? Yes, they are, by the way. Do I have proof of what actually happened? Am I remembering this correctly? Maybe I'm the problem. You're not the problem. But you become a detective in your own relationship, whatever that relationship is. And when somebody's reactions are unpredictable, paying close attention can feel protective because maybe if you notice the mood change early enough, you can prevent the explosion.

(03:16)
Maybe if you choose exactly the right words, you can avoid the argument. Maybe if you're good enough, calm enough, accommodating enough, understanding enough, everything will stay okay. Except you eventually learn there was no perfect combination, but your brain still learned something during that. Pay attention. Don't relax too much. Something could change. And then you leave, you're out of the situation. And this is the part I don't think we talk about enough. You can remove yourself from the abusive situation, but you don't instantly just erase everything you learned while you were in it. Your brain learned patterns. Our brains are constantly using previous experiences to help predict what might happen next. We are professional predictors. It's a great thing and an awful thing. It's one of those double edged swords. If you have spent years experiencing criticism, manipulation, emotional unpredictability, walking on those eggshells, your attention can become very tuned into signs that something might be wrong.

(04:34)
So now you're with a healthy person and they say, "Okay." And this could be, look, if you're in a new relationship, I dealt with this. Actually having a healthy relationship was very abnormal and felt wrong and uncomfortable to me. But this could be even with you have a calm friend or you're hanging out with new people that almost seem boring because everything is predictable and calm, right? They say, "Okay, that's it. Okay." Normal people hear okay, but you might hear, "Okay, what did that mean? Are you mad?" They'll send a text and it just has a period instead of an exclamation and you're like, "Huh, maybe they're busy." But your brain has already written a Netflix limited series about what happened, right? Or everything in your life is going really well and instead of enjoying it, you're waiting for this other shoe to drop. I was like that with my husband when I first met him.

(05:34)
I just was like waiting, waiting so much I actually caused an issue because I was looking for scanning, scanning, looking for something. There has to be something wrong. There's always been something wrong in my home relationships, in my romantic relationships.

(05:54)
So if you have especially both, which is very common to grow up in a home with a narcissist and then go out in the world and attract narcissists and accept narcissists, that's the thing, right? So you have this whole world of narcissistic abuse around you. So by the time you enter something normal, I mean, you just don't believe it. You subconsciously are not accepting it. So you are going to find the wrong thing because there's got to be a wrong thing. There's always been a wrong thing. That can be one of the leftovers of living in an unpredictable emotional environment. The circumstances changed. Your brain is still learning. It doesn't have to do that job anymore and it can take a long time.

(06:44)
But that's why we're here to make it not take so long, to help you kind of crack through it a little faster than you might be able to without some of this knowledge or tools. So feeling on edge after narcissistic abuse doesn't necessarily mean you're walking around terrified all day. It could be, but sometimes it's more subtle. It's over explaining yourself when nobody asks you to explain. I was so guilty of that. My husband would be like, "Why are you giving like 90 reasons for something you could just say no to like an invite somewhere?" No, because we were trained to do that, because we were trained if we did not give all the explanations, a no was not good enough. Even the explanations were really never good enough, were they?

(07:36)
It's rehearsing conversations before you have them. It's immediately assuming someone's mood has something to do with you. Another huge one in general in our society. I think we assume we are the problem when 98% of the time it has nothing to do with you. Everyone's in their own shit, let's be honest. It could be apologizing constantly. My therapist the other day, I started crying. I was like, "I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah." And he's like, "You need to stop apologizing all the time." It's feeling uncomfortable saying no. It's checking people's faces, right? Oh my God. I used to always be, "Oh, I'm so intuitive. I was trained to be intuitive. Let's be real." We're all empaths. Are we? I think we are probably by nature, but also I think we become high empaths when dealing with narcissists because you have to feel and see every nuance to make sure it's going to be okay, right?

(08:50)
It's feeling guilty when you're resting. It's being suspicious when somebody is genuinely kind to you.

(08:58)
It's having trouble making simple decisions because for years, your choices were criticized, right? Do you even know what toothpaste or deodorant you'd like to use today when you're in your new life? Maybe you're past that, but often when you come out of a relationship on your own, you are so controlled that you don't even feel like you know what you want. It's thinking, what do they want me to do before you ever ask, what do I want? What do I want? And here's a big one, peace. Like I said, with my relationship, I had this and just even new friendships I developed as I got older, peace can initially feel really weird because chaos was familiar. It was comfortable. That doesn't mean you wanted it or liked it. Let's not get it twisted. It's familiar. Doesn't mean you want it. Doesn't mean you miss the narcissist.

(10:06)
Doesn't mean healthy relationships are boring. It means familiar and safe are not always the same thing. And I'll say that again. Familiar and safe are not always the same thing. And sometimes we have to give ourselves time and experiences that teach us this is what peace feels like. But here's where I don't want us to get stuck, okay? Because now that we're learning about nervous system and trauma and mind body healing, there's another trap we can fall into. We can start monitoring ourselves the same way you used to monitor them, right? Am I regulated? Was that a trauma response? Why did I react like that? Am I healed? Is my nervous system dysregulated? Did that trigger me? And suddenly we're still scanning for danger just in a different way, right? We just changed the person we're watching. So we've done enough monitoring probably for a lifetime.

(11:06)
It's exhausting. It's what has beaten up your nervous system. The goal of healing isn't to become a perfectly calm human who never gets triggered, never gets anxious and floats peacefully through whole foods like a Buddhist monk. You're a person, you'll get irritated, you have bad days, you'll misunderstand someone, you might get hurt, you might hurt someone. The goal is not perfection. Here we go, drum roll, my word of the year. The goal is freedom.

(11:39)
So how do we start teaching ourselves something different? Not by spending 12 hours a day trying to regulate our nervous system, right? You know I'm a big proponent of all these tools to help. I teach them. I'm certified in them, but that can't be your whole life either, right? But let's start living, having new experiences, being around people who are consistent, even if it feels boring at first, saying no and discovering, guess what? The world is not going to explode if you say no. The more you say no, I know it's hard for a lot of us, right? The more you do it, the more it practice. It's like desensiti... Why can't I say that word? Desensitization or exposure by expressing an opinion and realizing nobody punishes you for having one, by making a mistake and noticing nobody humiliates you, resting without earning it, by laughing like belly laughing, right?

(12:51)
Just letting loose, watching a funny movie, getting together with a friend just because by choosing, right? There's that freedom. It could be simple. I did this exercise with one of my clients where she just didn't know what she wanted in life and she was on her own and wanted to redecorate her new place and did not know where to start. So we had a little exercise. First, we did it kind of in a somatic session where she envisioned being in a store and picking things out and what color comes to mind to kind of get a color pale. Then she went into in person, into home goods and we started with just thinking about those things that came to her in the somatic session and bringing that to reality and finding a beautiful painting she loved. Freedom, that's a freedom. That's a choice she got to make and it was huge for her.

(14:00)
By enjoying things, enjoying life, slowing down and having more experiences that say, "I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore." I want you to actually experience one of those this week. Okay? So here is your little... Oh, what did I call it last week? Now I forget. Take me a while to get used to this new show, but your sparkle drop or whatever, glitter drop, I think it's glitter drop. Your glitter drop of the week, it's a quick thing, easy, 10 minute freedom experiment. Okay? Assignment, drum roll. Okay. For 10 minutes this week, I want you to do something you genuinely enjoy. And here's the catch, practice not monitoring anyone else or anything during this 10 minutes. So if you're sitting with someone, you go out to enjoy a cup of coffee or something, you don't need to figure out what mood they're in. You don't have to make sure they're okay or that they're having fun.

(15:08)
You don't need to think about if you're talking too much. Don't need to make sure everyone else is comfortable. For 10 minutes, you get to just exist.

(15:22)
So maybe drink coffee outside, maybe you blast music in your car, maybe you walk around TJ Maxx, even walk around TJ Maxx, right? Oh, should I bother this woman who is unloading the cart that works here? I want to ask a question, right? No, we're going to try to get rid of this. Obviously we want to be polite and like normal humans in the world, but we don't want to overthink. So it's going, when those questions come up, just say, "Oh, thanks for that question. That's nice, but I'm just going to do what I want and I want to ask this woman a question and not be a big deal." You want to take a class, but don't monitor other people and don't get so obsessed with how you are coming off, right?

(16:19)
So you could dance around your kitchen and not think about what if someone walks in right now or, "Ugh, I really want to lose weight. My flub's dancing around with me." None of it, right? But notice if your brain tries to pull you into, "Should I be doing something else? Is everybody okay? Am I wasting time?" And instead of fighting with that thought, come back to what you're doing. Just say, "I'm allowed to be here." Another question comes up, say, "I am going to be in the present for 10 minutes. I can think about that later." Okay?

(17:09)
So you're doing something that you want to do because you like it. Okay? And it's simple. It's 10 minutes. And if you want to be a nerd, we can have a little bonus and make a list. If you're a journaler, you don't have to, but if you want it, or you could just think about it to start rebuilding your life, rediscovering your own sense of self. Start thinking about things like what music do you like? What clothes make you feel good? What makes you laugh? Where do you want to go? What do you enjoy being around or who do you enjoy being around? What do you want your Saturday afternoon to look like? I know especially a lot of us are parents. It's all about the kids. Okay. Well, what if you thought about what you wanted for a couple hours on a Saturday, right?

(18:14)
A couple hours on a Saturday, what would I like to do if I could do anything? Might be eating bonbons in your closet. Might be saying, "Hey family, I want to go for a drive to see the beautiful fall leaves.

(18:32)
Might want to go take a painting class, whatever." They sound like tiny questions, but they're not. You're rebuilding a relationship with yourself and that is what we're doing here. We're not pretending the abuse didn't happen. We're not telling you to just move on. We're not saying understanding narcissistic abuse isn't important. It is. And we got all that in my previous episodes, but there comes a point when healing has to become about more than understanding them. You already spent enough of your life studying them, like literally the entire relationship was studying them to please them. Now, let's study you. What makes you feel alive? What makes you laugh? What makes you feel peaceful? What do you want? What do you want your life to look like now that you're not designing it around someone else's reactions all the time? That's the next chapter. I always say U 2.0 with all my clients because that's what it is.

(19:40)
It's another version of yourself, right? And you don't have to wait until you feel 100% healed to start living like that. No. No, ma'am. We're not waiting for anything anymore. You already waited the whole time you were with them under their control, and now you're still technically under control if you're not living freely and not making choices for yourself and not knowing what to do. So we're going to shift that. Start small, 10 minutes, one choice that's yours, a little piece of yourself that you can take back. That's how we're getting that spackle back, okay? One glittery piece at a time. All right? So we'll see you next week. You can always email me. My email address is always in the show notes. And if you have any questions, and also you can join my Facebook group. The link should be in the show notes.

(20:42)
And please, either in the Facebook group or email, let me know what 10 minute activity you're going to do. I'd love to hear it, okay? And I will see you in the next one. Bye.

We are back!!! Let's rebuild our lives with joy, peace and SPARKLES!

email me! Fiercemamac@gmail.com

 

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Hello, queens. It has been a hot, a very hot minute. I have gone through a heck of a lot. Maybe I'll do a show about that, but I want to just come back in a positive way. I did get COVID in March. It exploded my whole body, but I don't want to focus on that. And this new and improved Narcissistic Abuse Recovery 2.0 is going to be highlighting kind of just that, kind of in general, focusing on the good. And I know that can seem hard, so stay with me when you've gone through what we have gone through. But I have learned so much from actually this illness and what I was fighting before this illness, just mentally and not taking care of myself quite as much. My father had passed and then I got COVID, just a lot of stuff. But I learned so much and have changed.

(01:06)
So with that means the podcast is going to have a little shift. Nothing crazy.

(01:13)
Nothing crazy at all, right? If you've been listening to me for a while, you know we've spent a lot of time talking about narcissists, understanding them, dealing with them, setting boundaries with them. And that work is very important. But here's what I've been thinking lately. At some point, we deserve to make our healing really about us. And I've always had that and thrown that in there about rebuilding. But our happiness, our peace, our bodies, our joy, because we have given these people too much airtime. I don't even want to have them in my damn title anymore. We have given them enough air time. So we're going to shift a little bit. I am going to be mostly focusing on what you are going to do to start living your life instead of focusing so much energy on them and trying to figure them out and marinating on them and hyper-focusing on them and all the diligence overcompensating for what has happened to you and trying to fix yourself, your mind by understanding them.

(02:38)
And we have all those episodes you can go through. I've got tons of episodes on understanding them, how to deal with them. So I was like, I've said all I can say. Sure, I could repeat it in all different ways and that's not what I want to do anymore. Okay? So I'm going to touch on things like it is important to understand it, but those episodes are there. Understanding though is not the same as rebuilding your life, right? You can understand something and that doesn't change. It helps, but it doesn't change your whole situation. And something huge, what I've been learning about after prolonged stress, our bodies and minds may still remain on high alert. So even through work I have done myself, there's some background noise there. So we're going to address how to help that heal even more and that we deserve more than simply getting through the day or surviving.

(03:46)
That is not living. It's not thriving. I used to have But Still She Thrives is my title because thriving is important. And how the healing can also involve pleasure, laughter, connection, joy, feeling that sparkle again, which you know I love the sparkles, right? And we're going to go slow but impactful. So we can spend years finding out why someone treated us the way they did. But if we started spending that energy, figuring out what makes us feel amazing, focusing on our own needs, our own wants, and you'll get there. I know you might not feel like you can even get there right now. You will.

(04:34)
Then we'll be able to, and we can do that through nervous system regulation, mind body healing. This is the big thing I have been learning about in probably the last three months. Amazing stuff. Meditation, somatic practices we've already talked about here. We're going to focus more on this stuff. Rebuilding confidence, always talked about that, going to really hammer it in. Finding joy. We need those dopamine. Even if you don't feel like it, it's like do it anyway and then sometimes you have to go out not feeling great. And once you get there, you feel great. Have you ever had that happen? And creating a life that feels really good. You deserve that. So you can intellectually understand that you're safe while your body still responds as though danger is nearby. So when someone has experienced prolonged emotional stress, you guys, we become accustomed to scanning for problems.

(05:40)
And this is where the illness comes in that I'll talk about because you can stay stuck when you're already down if you are someone who's gone through abuse like we have because deep down, deep down, you're always waiting for the shoe to drop or trying to scan what's not right? How can I keep myself safe? What's wrong? Looking for problems, looking for problems because you essentially were trained to be that way. You know all about that. So even after you leave the relationship, you might notice you have difficulty relaxing, feeling guilty when you're doing something enjoyable. I have that in the way of I don't feel worthy.

(06:29)
I feel guilty in a way of when I'm not doing purpose work, I still have that issue. That's one of my biggest issues I've always struggled with is if I'm not reaching enough people, if I don't have enough clients, it's not about the money. It's not about the clout. It's about my own insecurities and feeling like I need to be doing more, which can come from this abuse cycle. Being easily startled or overwhelmed. Yes ma'am. Definitely after I gotten sick, my nervous system took a big hit. Constantly anticipating something going wrong, right? You're just like waiting for something to go wrong. If things are really good, you feel weird because you're like, oh, this can't be right. I even had that when I met my husband. I was like, there's no way. Something's off. Something's off way too nice. Likes me, treats me well. No, this can't be right.

(07:34)
And feeling disconnected from your own needs and desires because you were trained to fulfill somebody else's.

(07:43)
And that could have started with your childhood. Even if you were in a narcissistic relationship later, it could be as a result of being treated a certain way as a child. So healing isn't just about understanding what happened to you or how to deal with the narcissist. It's also about learning how to experience life differently from a different angle. So like I said, it can be gentle movement, breathing, exercise, music is a big one for me, grounding and enjoyable experiences to support your recovery. Okay? So let's rename this together. Right here right now, I'm thinking of every week I want to do just a fun reset. We're just going to do sparkly... Oh, I was doing a YouTube video this morning and I said something.

(08:48)
It was like give glitter. So maybe this can be your glitter of the day kind of thing, but glitter of the week. All right. I'm going to have to think about this separately. And then also you can always email me. My email should be in the show notes. FiercemamaC@gmail if you have ideas for names. Either sparkle or glitter, something catchy. Okay?This just like weekly glitter. It's going to be fun, uplifting. We're not going to suffer anymore. We're not letting them take anything from us anymore. We get to respond. It's not what happens to us. It's how we respond and we're going to start sparkling one sparkle at a time as I always say. So let's see. First, and you can save this for later if you're driving or something, but if you're right there, let's just loosen up, relax your jaw, drop your shoulders. Seriously girl, they're not earrings.

(09:49)
Your shoulders are not earrings. They don't need to be up on your ear lobes, okay? Drop them.

(09:57)
Now feel your feet on the floor. I'm doing it with you right now. I'm getting up. I was sitting on the floor doing this. Okay? Taking my shoes off. Got naked feet, naked sparkly feet on the ground. The rug counts. I don't care. I was thinking that earlier today. I'm like, does concrete count because I don't want to step in these bugs. I don't know what's in that soil, right? There's anxiety for you. I'm like, fine, I'm just going to do it on concrete. So I concrete grounded this morning. Now I'm doing the rug. Do it with me. Okay?

(10:33)
Okay. Now feel your feet on the floor. Look around your space. Notice three things you can see. Three things. And really look at them for like five seconds each. Observe their texture, their color, how they make you feel. Maybe a fun memory is attached. Okay. And look at your third item. Kind of breathe it in and just be with it. Okay? Okay. Now ask yourself something we sometimes forget to ask when we've spent so much time focused on someone else's needs. What would feel good for me today? What would feel good for me today? I don't know why. For me, I just saw a cup of tea and a blanket.

(11:54)
The answers are in us. You just got to ask, girl. You just got to ask. Not what you should do, not what's on your to-do list, not what someone else expects of you or what you have to do for someone. What would genuinely bring you a little peace or joy? Maybe it's putting on your favorite song, dancing. I'm dancing right now. I'm shaking my hips. I love dancing. Dancing. Maybe it's making a YouTube video. Maybe it's baking. Maybe it's reading an old book you love to your kid. Maybe it's doing your makeup just to do it for fun.

(12:41)
Maybe it's going to TJ Maxx, girl, 1999. Calling a friend. I encourage you to choose one small thing and actually do it. Don't say, "Oh yeah, that'd be nice, like me and my tea." No, this day will not end without me drinking tea. Okay? Have your sparkle moment, your glitter something. We got to name this something good. It'd be so fun. I'm very big on words. So sometimes rebuilding your life starts with remembering that your happiness matters too. Okay? So for next week, next episode, maybe we'll do a little... I'm trying to think. This is all, I didn't plan on doing this, but I got a few episodes up my sleeve. I know people will want to hear. So maybe why you still feel on edge after narcissistic abuse, right?

(14:17)
How to feel safe in your body again, the guilt of being happy after abuse, finding your sparkle again, like all this, right? Like reconnecting with who you were before, before this shiz happened. Maybe some somatic healing. Okay? But next week, I think we'll start with how to feel safe in your body again. I think that's really important. Okay? So don't forget to subscribe, hit follow, subscribe, whatever, on whatever podcast platform you are on. Okay? And I want you to remember something, okay? You are so much more than what happened to you. You're not just someone who survived narcissistic abuse. That is not your identity. You are a whole, beautiful, complicated, we can be complicated, but we're fabulous. Fabulous, queen, with dreams, desires, and a whole lot of life left to live. And that's what this next chapter's about. Less obsessing over what they did or why they did it or why I feel this way.

(15:48)
I mean, we can touch on those things. I've touched on them if you want to go, but don't sit in that hole. We are climbing out of the hole because life is short and how do you want to spend it? Do you want to spend it in your mind trying to figure everything out all the time? That's what I did with this illness. That's why this comparison is amazing to me, seeing the parallels.

(16:19)
Still nobody knows exactly what's wrong with me. I've spent seven months trying to be my own doctor, therapist, everything. It has been absolute hell and I want to live again. So it's very similar, just a different chapter of the same book, right? So less obsessing over all of that stuff, more discovering what makes you feel alive and actually living it because we're not just surviving, right? You don't have to just survive. You go and get your sparkle back. We are going to get our sparkle back. Okay? I haven't gone out with friends in seven months. I mean, I barely... I go on outings. I push myself to just go walk around the shops or whatever with my family. Barely done anything though. No big group things. I get overwhelmed easily. It's been hell, but I want my sparkle back. So I'm actually talking to a therapist now.

(17:30)
He's awesome. And I was telling him I just get overwhelmed and there's this Halloween party I got invited to, but I just don't know. And he was like, "Queen?" No, he didn't say queen, but I should train him to, huh? No, but he said, "Well..." Oh, what he did, this was actually really smart. He said, "Go look at pictures." I said I went last year. He said, "Go look at pictures of last year's." So I did, and I ended up tearing up, getting all sad. He's like, "What's coming up?" And I was like, "I miss her. I miss me. I miss that." And he was like, "Well, you have the opportunity to live it again this weekend, so you can make that choice. Even if you don't feel as good as you did a year ago, you can choose to do that and see what happens." So we have to make choices.

(18:31)
Not like this is all easy, but I do believe in the mind-body connection. I am going to talk a lot about that. If you don't know what that is, you soon will.

(18:44)
How the mind really can create physical symptoms, mental symptoms. Not saying any of the symptoms I had were not very real and caused by COVID, but staying kind of stuck and hyper-focusing and whatever can make things worse. I don't know if that's the situation or not, but it definitely can't make them better. So the mind-body healing is really about living your life, not focusing on the things, not Googling, not going... And you can use it for healing from something like you all have gone through, right? So we're going to get our sparkle back together. We're going to be a bright ass group of ladies, queens, very shiny, so bring your sunglasses. And this is painful. I get it, but that doesn't mean we have to sit in the pain. How do you want to feel, right? We're going to get you there. So I'm glad to be back and we're going to figure out a fun name for our weekly sparkle and glitter all over the world, shine bright like a diamond.

(20:20)
And I look forward to hearing from you guys. Feel free to email me. And yeah, we got a lot of fun to have. Bye queens.

If you can’t seem to let go—even when you know they’re wrong for you—you might not be in love… you might be trauma bonded. In this episode, we break down 5 clear signs you’re stuck in a trauma bond and why it feels so intense, confusing, and hard to walk away. This is about clarity, not shame—so you can finally start breaking free.

💖 Work With Christy
✨ Ready for real-time transformation?
Step into your power with Christy 1:1. Her 3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healing package helps you regulate your nervous system, rebuild self-trust, and feel safe in your own skin again.
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🎁 Fun Queen Resources
💌 Join the Free Private Facebook Community — connect with other Queens rebuilding after narcissistic abuse.
👉 https://www.facebook.com/groups/narcissisticabuserecoverypodcast

👑 Grab Your Free Boundaries Pocket Guide — learn how to say nope without guilt.
👉 https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

💬 Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts — ready-made boundary phrases that protect your peace.
👉 https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

TRANSCRIPTS
Speaker 1 (00:00):

If you ever said, "I know they're bad for me, so why can't I let them go? " This episode might change everything because what if it's not really love at all? Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen, this one's for you. Hello, hello my queens. How are you? It has been, I don't know, let's look at the date. Over two months, I believe, since I've had a new fresh episode. I got COVID for the first time ever and it reactivated my mono that I had in my twenties that just stays there looking cute in your body for decades. I'm 46, sorry. I also had a birthday during this horrendous time. I ended up in the hospital. I had heart issues. I am now on a ... This is all TMI, but you know who I am.

(01:15)
I'm like queen of TMI. I have to take a heart medicine, hopefully not forever, a beta blocker because my heart rate just would not settle. Basically it threw my nervous system into chaos and even the queen of somatoculin couldn't comment the hell down and I couldn't sleep so I am on a little sleep sedative. And again, hopefully I can come off of all these, but for now they're keeping me in check, but I was almost like bedridden other than a few things here and there for two months. So my body, I'm like just crawling out of a deep ... It's like I've been in a bunker, but it feels like it was for a year. The body atrophies quicker than you fucking think. That's what I've learned here.

(02:11)
So that being said, I have les energy. I am fatigued still, not like to the extent I was and it's hard knowing what is recovery and what's just like reconditioning my body. So I will spare the rest of the details, but I'm crawling out of the hole and I know some of you checked on me. Thank you very much. Sorry if I didn't get back to all of you on messages and stuff. It's been a wild ride, but I've missed doing my podcast. So here we are and before all this happened, I planned on doing a series basically on trauma, trauma bonding, stuff like that. So today we're starting this new series and we're talking about something that keeps so many women stuck longer than they need to be, these trauma bonds. And before you go, "Oh yeah, heard that term." Right? It's kind of like a buzzword.

(03:10)
I want you to stay with me because most people do not fully understand what this actually feels like in real life because it doesn't feel like just straight trauma. It can feel like love, like chemistry, like connection. It feels like, but we had something special, right? So today I'm going to walk you through five signs. You are trauma bonded, not in love. And I want you to gently notice what resonates with you. No shame, no judgment, no kicking yourself.This happens to a lot of people with narcissists because they're really good at what they do. Okay? Just be aware. So sign one. You can't let go even when you know better. Okay This is a big one. Logically you know this person hurt you or continues to hurt you. This relationship was unhealthy. You deserve better. Maybe you don't think you do. Some people aren't there, but maybe you do.

(04:18)
And yet you still miss them. You still think about them. You still feel pulled back or get pulled back into their shit, into their chaos, right? That is not you being weak. That is your nervous system being conditioned. So a trauma bond is literally created through cycles of emotional highs and lows. Your brain gets hooked on the relief after the pain. Hear that again. Yo brain gets hooked on the relief it feels after the pain. So you're not like ... Some people are like, "Oh, you're addicted to chaos. You're addicted to the abuse." You hear all these things, right? Like you're addicted to bad boys who actually have been conditioned and are addicted to the relief after the bad things that they put you through or the hurt, which is a cycle, right? The abuse cycle. It is a cycle. So you're not crazy. You're conditioned.

(05:22)
Number two, sign two, the highs felt addictive. So let's talk about those good moments and this really reminds me of a relationship I had long ago with a narcissist and I always joked, but ha ha, not so funny. It was like Eminem and Kim. And I don't think it was to that extent, thank God. But those highs were so high and this is what keeps the bond alive. When it was good, girl, it felt really good. They're charming. They can be attentive and loving. Maybe everything you wanted or dreamed of. Maybe you wrote down what you wanted and they were it in those high moments. And your brain goes, see, that's who they are. It's in there. I saw it. But here's the truth. That version of them is just part of the cycle. The high only exists because of the low and your brain gets addicted to chasing that high again.

(06:34)
Okay.

(06:37)
Sign number three, you find yourself blaming yourself more than them. This one hits deep. You find yourself thinking, well, maybe I overreacted or maybe I'm sensitive because they probably have told you you're sensitive or you overreact or you're just crazy. Or maybe I pushed them away. Maybe it was how I dealt with relationships. Maybe I'm not seeing it. Or maybe if I just handled things better, it would've worked or they would've been better to me or they wouldn't have hurt me or they wouldn't have had to be how they were because I was how I was. No. They were the ones causing the chaos. This is just what happens when you've been gaslit, right? Yo brain starts turning inward instead of seeing clearly outward like a healthy brain does. So instead of saying they hurt me, you say, "What's wrong with me? " Does that sound familiar?

(07:45)
Instead of saying, "They hurt me. " Saying that out loud. You say, "What's wrong with me? " Or, "What did I do? " Or, "Why did I do this? " It starts to go inward. Okay? Sign number four.

(08:06)
We can all relate to this one. You feel anxiety more than peace. Real love, the healthy kind that I now have with my husband and you can get as well for just 1999 on QVC. No, but you can. Don't worry. There's still hope. Okay. There is healthy laveta there. It feels steady. Trauma bonding feels like this. Walking on eggshells. Waiting for the next shift up or down. Overanalyzing text messages or what they said or what they didn't say. Feeling relief, then dread, then relief again. Is that familiar? The emotional whiplash and your body knows it. That tight chest, the short breath, you're spinning mind ruminating all the time. Get stuck thinking, thinking, thinking. That is not healthy love. That is your nervous system in what we call survival mode. Whether you are going through physical, emotional, spiritual, financial abuse, any, all of the above, your nervous system is reacting.

(09:45)
Sign number five. You confuse intensity with connection. This one is important. They're all important. But man, that intensity can take over. This one's huge. Huge, huge. Okay. You think we had something so deep, something like I've never had before, something I'll never get again. By the way, that's actually a good thing. I remember thinking that with that relationship like, "Oh, I'll never have these highs again. I don't want those highs again because guess what? With those highs come very low lows." But what you actually had was intensity, not intimacy and there is a difference, right? Intensity is fast bonding, right? They love bomb you right away. They adore you. They say everything you wish you would've heard from everyone always. Oh my gosh, there's finally this man or woman who knows how to show love and they're not afraid to show it. And I feel special.

(11:03)
Big emotions. Intensity is big emotions, right? And very high highs, but what? Class, what comes with those highs? Low lows. Yes. Intimacy is what? And this is what you need to really hear. This is what I have with my husband. Safety. Consistency. I think I'll bold that one in my mind. Consistency. I will tell you right now there are no narcissists out there that are consistent and I can put my stamp on that. Okay? And intimacy is calm. Are you going to have a thousand percent agreement all of the time? No. But overall, if you're zoomed out looking at a pattern of a healthy relationship and love, you are going to feel safe. You're going to feel like you're on the same team. You're going to feel consistent energy and emotion. And overall, you're going to feel a calm, a comfort in this relationship like I do.

(12:26)
I feel like I'm so certain of my relationship. There's never any question. It's just like it's stable. That's a good word for it too. Stable. I can lean on my relationship. I know it's there. I know it's not going anywhere. I know that I'm safe, emotionally safe in it, physically safe in it, mentally safe in it, financially safe in it. Unless I go play some blackjack. Just kidding. All right. If it didn't feel calm, it wasn't secure. If you're listening to this, you're probably in a very insecure relationship or maybe still are and you know my advice. Listen to the other apps and get out. You deserve so much better and there is so much better out there. Sometimes we may ... I did feel like I deserved more at a point when I was with that ex that was a narky narc.

(13:26)
I kind of knew I deserved more. He'd make me question myself, of course. But part of me was more like, "But then why does it feel so good when it's good? Like that can't be normal. I'll never find that again." And I'm telling you, that type of good is not the good you want. And I'm not saying I don't have high highs with my husband. We have extra fun times or we laugh a lot together, but there's a difference between that crazy almost out of this world high that is unfortunately balanced with the very low lows.

(14:13)
So you don't need more willpower to pull out of this situation to either not get pulled back or just you're struggling just moving forward, even if you're not going back to them or in touch with them, just emotionally and healing and going back to your thoughts, right? They can still have you mentally, even if you're not with them physically or emotionally. They can still have your fucking brain. I know, honey. I've been there. Okay? You don't need more willpower. You need nervous system support. You need clear boundaries and you need the truth over and over and over again, because your truth has been unraveled.

(15:04)
And once you see the real of the pattern, you can start breaking it. Okay? So if this episode hit you and you're realizing, oh, this is deeper than I thought, you don't have to do this alone. This is exactly what I help women do. Break trauma bonds, regulate their emotions, and finally feel free again. And all the ways to work with me are in the show notes. So pick your poison. Just kidding. Let's chat. And if you're in a place and this is for not the women who are trying to get out of these situations, the women who I work with are disconnected. That is a requirement and you must be disconnected from the relationship. Okay? So you've got to be disconnected already. You can't be living with your narcissist person. You are on the other side, you're seeing the patterns and you're going, "Okay, I know I can do this.

(16:12)
I want to do this. I want to move on with my life. I've already made steps to be away from them, but I feel stuck mentally. So Christie, I need your help." That is the women that work with me so we can step forward and up and out and fly like fly. Okay? So next we're going to talk about why trauma bonds feel like an addiction and how to actually start breaking them. So definitely hit the follow button or whatever. I don't even know what it says on there, whatever podcast platform you are on to follow my podcast so you start getting all of my lovely episodes again because this is going to be a very epic series if I don't say so myself. I'm not biased at all. All right. Thank you so much for joining. I have missed you guys and you can always feel free to email me.

(17:20)
My email is always in the show notes and just say hello or tell me about your situation, just whatever. I love talking to my people. So send me a little note and I hope you all have a fabulous day and you deserve healthy love and a healthy mind that can get unstuck from this boo shit because that's all it is. It's just a little bullshit. All right. I'll see you in the next episode on Thursday. Bye.