What if we stayed? The sacred space is already here.
I am what they call a runner. I felt a connection with Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride—the idea that if you don’t like your situation in life, you can just leave. If you get fired from a job, there’s always a better one out there. If you’re not in love with your partner, you’re doing them a favor by calling it quits. Are you unhappy now? There’s something better out there—you’re just missing out…But why, then, is my happy life so hard? We find ourselves stuck in a culture that tells us there is always something better than what we have right now. Yet, that leaves us with the sinking feeling that who we are is not enough.This week, I’m talking to Lydia Sohn about her new book, Here. It’s a Christian book—I should start there. As someone who grew up in a very atheist household, I’ve seen firsthand how religious trauma can leave lasting scars. My father, for example, spent his life rebelling against Christmas because of the shame he felt growing up in a church that made him feel unworthy for not speaking in tongues. But something shifted this past holiday season. He said out loud, “Christmas can be enjoyable. I love the music and the food, and I just don’t have to think about it in terms of God or consumerism.” We all thought, WOW. What had changed in him that suddenly allowed him to take delight in the season, after spending most of his adult life rejecting it in favor of its pagan roots and the solstice?If you have felt a little less alone when you are here, consider subscribing :)Reading Here felt like a relief—like the weight of constantly searching for something better had been lifted off my shoulders. It introduces a few key concepts that truly resonated with me. And you don’t have to believe in God to feel them in your bones:* You can trust yourself.* You have to stay somewhere long enough to develop roots.* You can’t change other people. (This is my struggle.)* You have everything you need inside of you right now.Lydia also shared her belief that great pain and great joy often go hand in hand—that experiencing pain can lead to experiencing joy. That sometimes, we get overwhelmed by endless possibilities, and in those moments, containment can be liberating.For me, it always comes back to the question: How do you know when to stay and when to leave?Ever thought of asking nature? Lydia suggests this, along with practices to help you learn to trust yourself.When I picked up Lydia’s book, I was admittedly scrolling through Zillow, looking at homes in San Francisco, Minneapolis, and Orinda. I had been daydreaming about how much better my life would be if I were just somewhere else—somewhere I didn’t have to worry about being attacked every time I left the house or about M getting into a school that could meet her medical needs. And I know—we have to leave the house I love, the community I love. But I also recognize that leaving is a privilege. That’s a reality that should be part of the conversation too.Lydia and I also discuss the word toxic and how we often use it to describe situations and people. She questions this term for two good reasons:* No situation is entirely horrible or entirely great.* Labeling someone as toxic removes the ownership and agency we have in any given situation. Most people, after all, are a mix of both stellar and not-so-stellar traits.We end with something really special. I ask Lydia for a favor, and she delivers. I needed to ground myself in the moment—to take stock of all the good things in my life without the constant urge to move forward. So, I asked for a meditation—some comforting thoughts in a world that feels like it’s falling apart.Fast forward to the end if you need some reassurance. You’ll find it in Lydia’s words. I promise. Even though I am only culturally Christian, I found so much in the practices in this book. Thanks so much for letting me explore topics that connect us with me. You are so loved, and you are so not alone. XOXO, CarissaPS. Bad At Keeping Secrets, the podcast is Carissa Potter (me). Audio by Officially Quigley. Sound editing by Mark McDonald. Mark is helping people start their podcasts, if you have been thinking about starting one, I would highly recommend him. Sign up for a free meeting with him here.PPS You can find Lydia’s book, Here. (ha ha)PPS I do this substack because I LOVE IT. I love talking to people. I love thinking about hard stuff. I love being here with you. If you want to support me and are having a hard time making decisions and trusting yourself, we made a deck for you with the world famous Annie Duke. Get a copy here. It also makes a great gift for all the people in your life who are feeling stuck right now…PPPS Lydia Sohn is a mom, minister, and writer whose writings have appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, and The Christian Century, among others. One of her very first essays, "What Do 90-Somethings Regret Most" received over 700K views, leading it to be one of the top ten most-read essays on Medium. As an Asian American female minister, her voice is unique, fresh, and needed for today’s transient age.As a daughter of immigrants who moved to America in search of the American dream (and achieved it), she saw with her own eyes that all can be burned down to begin afresh at any time. But it wasn't until her adult years, after multiple moves and a life of chasing greener pastures, that she began to realize the power of stability and commitment and our miraculous abilities to transform our circumstances from the inside out.She lives in Claremont, California with her husband and three children. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe
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